Christmas Diary 2015
Tuesday 1st December – Woke up really excited, I love December and there’s so much going on. Also it’s advent calendar day, which I love. I got 2 of them last week in the Netto sale, and I only ate 1 before December started, which is far better than last year when I eat all 4. Ran downstairs all happy, opened the door, there was a picture of a little bird but no chocolate! I’d got the wrong one and there’s no chocolate in it. Just stupid pictures. After this setback I just couldn’t face work, I needed to sit down for a bit to recover, but I didn’t know what to say to the nurse at work. Rang Jonny to ask him if he had any advice about what to say to work, he was a bit funny. He said he doesn’t work with me anymore and I can’t keep calling him during work hours, and that he’d had to leave a meeting to talk to me and he didn’t think the advent calendar was a suitable reason to do so in hindsight. I told him that hindsight is a wonderful thing but he swore at me and hung up. Rang Hobbo, and with-held my number first like Jonny showed me to do a while ago. As soon as I said hello his phone went dead though again. The signal in Salford gets quite bad round Christmas my dad said though, so maybe he’s there. I sent him a text too, just in case. I rang the nurse in the end and told her I had no pants. She said that she’s told me before that’s she’s a HR rep, not a nurse, but that she’d tell Steve anyway. The other nurse is nicer, that one’s a bit funny sometimes.
Wednesday 2nd December – I texted mum about the advent calendar disaster last night, her phone was just ringing out. Woke up to a text this morning to say that she’s pushed some chocolate through my door on her way out, so I could have a piece when I open my calendar and pretend it’s the same. I ran downstairs and there was a bag with 16 chocolates in, so I’ll need to pick some more up, or break some in half or something. I had one while looking at the picture, it was a snowy field. It was quite nice, I don’t mind dog chocolate. Went into work and got done off Steve for having no pants, I said someone must have stole them, he asked who the F would do that. I said I didn’t know and he shouldn’t swear this close to Christmas. He swore at me again and told me to get out of his sight so I went and hid in the toilet for a few hours till he went into meetings.
Thursday 3th December – Woke up late again, as the kids from down the street were throwing things at all the windows again, I don’t know why they do it, but they just throw things and shout ‘peado’ through the letterbox, but dad says they probably do it to everyone on the street and that they are little rips. I told them that they were little rips once when I walked past them on my way back from the shops, but they chased me home and said they were going to kick my head in, so I leave them alone now. Ran into work only a couple of minutes late, but Steve said that late is late, and that I need to start having showers again in the morning. I told him that they make me all cold before I have to leave the house but he said he didn’t want to hear it. I was sweating because I had been running to, but when I was explaining this he just walked away. I went to my desk, Hobbo got up and said he wasn’t putting up with this anymore, and went talking to Steve saying it stinks, I think he’s unhappy with the way Steve talks to me sometimes. I’m quite tough so I can deal with it but Hobbo is a gentle soul.
Friday 4th December – Was late for work again this morning. Couldn’t find my other shoe so I had to wear one shoe and one slipper. Then I was looking at the picture for a bit too long in the advent calendar, it was another bird, so I was running late. I ran through the park but fell in the pond a bit and my slipper got wet so I couldn’t run properly anymore and missed my bus. Steve swore at me again and said I couldn’t come to the Christmas meal tomorrow, as retards weren’t allowed. I told him I wasn’t a retard, but he said I was again, so I ran out of the building. Dad said that people have to stop saying that to me as it wasn’t fair or true, and that I’d been tested loads and I wasn’t. Steve ran after me but I hid behind a bin then went home after he’d stopped looking. I’m my own worst
enemy sometimes as I think if I’d just said sorry then I could have gone to the meal, but I always make things worse by going my own way, I’m too much of a loose cannon I think. Rang Jonny after I finished work, he used to let me open his birthday cards when he worked with me. I wished him happy birthday and asked him could I come to his apartment and open some of his cards, but he said he was in Greece for the day so I couldn’t. He gets around that lad.
Saturday 5th Dec - I found out where the lads were going tonight from good old face-book, but I had to use Steve’s account. I’ve got my own Face book account, but none of the guys will add me, and most of them have blocked me after the bowling alley bad night. But I know Steve’s password cos he wrote it down once then I saw him throw it in the bin, so I got it out, and I can log in through his account. I never write anything, I wouldn’t do that. I just have a look what the guys are up to. And read his messages. But just to see if I can pick up any tips on how to talk to woman properly. I really need to learn, I need a girlfriend to sort myself out. Mum says I need to sort myself out. I went down to the restaurant where they were, Alan saw me walking up and I saw him run to the waiter, he must have been asking for another place at the table, wasn’t to be though I guess as the waiter stopped me on the way in and said there was no room for anyone else. The place looked quite quiet but there were probably some more people in the back area. Alan waved at me as I was leaving though, that was quite nice of him and cheered me up. Got some chips on the way home instead but I dropped them on the floor when I slipped on the kerb. I was too busy looking at the moon, instead of watching where I was going. The chips were wet and had a few bits on them off the pavement, but I pretended it was special salt & pepper, so it was ok in the end.
Sunday 6th Dec – Another bird in the calendar this morning. That’s 3 so far this year, which is as many as the number of kings. Maybe they’re linked. I’ll ask mum. Checked my e-mails whilst it’s Sunday, I love checking my mail, makes me feel like a business man. I thought that’s I’d won the Nigerian lottery though a couple of weeks ago and I lost the £62 pounds that I had in my bank when I gave them the details. Mum says I’m not allowed to use my bank card on the internet anymore unless I check with her first. It’s like the Woolworths fiasco all over again. I did get an e-mail this morning from a Russian girl who’d seen my picture online and wanted to talk to me! I sent her a message over giving her my phone number in case she wants to call me and I sent another picture over to be sure she was meant to be talking to me. I hope so, she was a proper girl who looks like the girls that Jonny goes out with, so that would definitely make the lads think I’m cool. Didn’t want to leave the house today in-case Rosalika messaged me back. I sat at my desk and kept checking back all day, and refreshing like mum showed me. Nothing came through, so I went to bed at about 9pm. Maybe she’s working late though as I think it gets later in Russia than it does here, my dad said something about it once. I think they must have more of the night time there than we do here; maybe it’s because of all the bears.
Monday 7th Dec – Got up and ran downstairs to open calendar, tripped and fell and banged my head. Needed some sugar puffs to cheer me up after my sore head. The calendar was another bird I think if you can believe that! Not sure if it was a hen or a magpie though. Then had to check my e-mails to see if Roslinka had messaged back. She hadn’t, but I think the night lasts for a long time so it maybe morning in Russia soon, she’ll probably message me when she gets up. Had to run to work again so I wasn’t late, so I was sweating a bit. Went into kitchen and put my shirt in the microwave. Lisa caught me making the microwave noise again whilst I was drying myself on the tea towel; she looked at me all strange. She’s an odd one that girl, I’ve said it before. Was emptying the bins round the back this afternoon and found some great ribbon that I can use for my art, so a productive day all round. Still no message for Roslinka. Maybe the nights are really, really long in winter. Like days long. I’ll ask dad. He’ll know.
Tuesday 8th December – Yeah! Tuesday. I love Tuesdays! A picture of what looks like a shed in the calendar today, interesting, it certainly makes you think. Mum sent me a text saying something about chocolate being for worms, I thought it was for dogs? Didn’t know worms like chocolate but it makes sense I suppose. Mud and dirt look a bit like chocolate. Nothing further from Roslinka, so I sent another message, maybe the first one didn’t come through. The internet and e-mails can be really unreliable. I sent Jonny 132 e-mails over summer and he said he didn’t get any of them; someone needs to sort it out. I left the pan on last night after making my hot milk, so it’s got a hole in the bottom and the kitchen smells. I can’t tell mum though, she said last time that if I burnt another pan then I wasn’t allowed to use them anymore, and that I would have to use the microwave. I don’t like using the microwave for hot milk though as Hobbo says it gives you aids. Plus my microwave is being a bit funny since I put tin foil in it for indoor fireworks on Bonfire night; the inside still has some burn on it too. Took my 2nd lot of Christmas cards into work today, if I give everyone three I may get some back this year. I gave Lisa her 2nd one and she said “You’ve already given me one”, I said “I know, ho ho ho”, Debbie laughed at me but Kirsty told her not to be mean. Wrote another 4 cards for Kirsty.
Wednesday 9th December – Fell down stairs again this morning and landed on my bum so it made me walk funny all day. Everyone laughed at me all day, even the lolly-pop lady. Stupid stairs. No e-mails from Roslinka, no Christmas cards, and a stupid star in the calendar. I hate Wednesdays.
Thursday 10th December – Woke up really early this morning as I thought I heard something on the roof. I thought that maybe Santa had come early so I ran out into the back garden but it was just a cat that had taken something up to the roof to play with. It looked like one of the scarves that I burnt the other week but not sure as it was dark. Couldn’t get back to sleep after that because of the excitement so I opened my calendar early, I think it was a cucumber today, which confused me a bit. Then I wrote to Roslinka again. I asked Steve in work about the cucumber and he said cucumber was Jesus’ favourite vegetable, so that explains it. He’s a smart guy that Steve. But he shouted at me later as I fell asleep at my desk. I told him that I was looking really, really closely at a piece of paper, but he said I was snoring and drooling. The paper was a bit wet, but Steve wasn’t too angry as it was my 1-2-1 document and Steve said it would save him a job, and an hour of his life that he’d never get back. I don’t understand that as you can’t get any of the hours of your life back I don’t think. Rang mum tonight but she said she was in China so she couldn’t talk.
Friday 11th December – I had a day off work today, as Steve said I could go shopping for Christmas presents. I don’t know if that means that I have to buy presents for Steve. I called Jonny to ask him but he said I only need to buy a present for him and not anyone else from work so that’s ok. I wouldn’t know what to get for Steve but I know Jonny likes peanuts so it should be ok. I relaxed in the new dressing gown that I got from the hospital when I was visiting dad. It’s nice and warm at the front but my back gets cold if I sit in the draught as it doesn’t close at the back. I had some toast soldiers ready and was going to boil an egg but then I remembered I’d burnt my pan. So I just had toast soldiers dipped in jam. A nice picture of a lion today in the calendar. I like lions. Sent another e-mail to Roslinka then got dressed and went into town. Thought I saw mum from the bus window, but I thought she was in China. She must have got back. I tried calling her and saw her take her phone out and look at it, but she put it back in her pocket then it rang out, her phone must be broke again. Got all my Christmas shopping done, got tea-towels for Mum & Dad again, and some peanuts for Jonny. Then got some wrapping paper and more cards. Got home and tried to wrap all the presents, managed the tea-towels, but couldn’t do the pea-nuts properly, the paper kept ripping so I burnt the paper and the peanuts in the back garden. I’ll have to go and get some more tomorrow. Went to get some chips tonight then realised that I had no bread, so added it to my shopping list (peanuts, wrapping paper, and bread) and used Riveta instead. I like crunchy chip sandwiches now.
Saturday 12th Dec– Saturday is ‘Don’t natter day’ according to mum. I called her this morning but she said she can’t talk as it’s don’t natter day. Then she hung up. Rang Dad and he didn’t know anything about it, but he can be a bit behind the times. Tried to ring Jonny & Hobbo but neither of them answered. Maybe it is no natter day. Didn’t want to risk offending anyone so I stayed in all day and switched my phone off. Was going to message Roslinka, but didn’t know whether No Natter Day was on in Russia to, so didn’t want to risk it. The lights went off at 7pm tonight, I thought I’d gone blind at first, but it was just a power cut. The power came back on after 20 mins but I kept the light switched off. It helps me reflect if I’m sat in the dark, and today has been a strange day I think you’ll agree. A cloud with a hat on in the advent calendar today.
Sunday 13th Dec – Didn’t go out of the house today as it’s the 13th. Last time I went out on the 13th I lost my lucky rabbit’s foot, and I burnt my head on an oven so didn’t want to risk it today. Opened my calendar and it looked like a lip balm in a panda’s hand. But it may have been a goat. Had some burning to do in the back garden, just some old clothes and a scarf that Hobbo said was gay. I don’t know why I keep getting gay clothes. I don’t do it on purpose and I usually ask the people in the shop if the stuff I’m buying is gay, but stuff slips through occasionally I suppose. Maybe I am gay. It would explain some things. But I don’t like to look at myself in the nude, and I’m a man, so that doesn’t make sense. Maybe I’m not attracted to men who look like me. I need to look at another man in the nude to decide I suppose. Not Dad though. He said it was “A strange request, even for you Paul”, and wouldn’t do it.
Monday 14th Dec – Took another set of cards into work today, and, brilliantly, I GOT ONE BACK! Kirsty gave me a card this morning, and I’ve only given her 5 already. She did ask me not to send any more cards to her, as she says five is enough. But it’s a nice card, with a bird on the front. And she’s written ‘From Kirsty and family’ on the inside, which is really nice. I was so happy all day, even when Steve called me a dog turd. I just laughed and said “Merry Christmas to you too Steve”. Hobbo laughed when I said that too, so all in all a great day. I bought a scratch card on my way home, as it was my lucky day. But I didn’t win. There was a nice picture of a sun in my calendar, so Monday is now my favourite day. Couldn’t get to sleep tonight as I was so excited, it was getting light when I finally stopped looking at my card and went to bed.
Tuesday 15th December – Woke up late again, due to last night’s card looking problems. Couldn’t find my socks so I had to run in shoes with no socks, and it hurt my feet loads. Took my shoes off on the bus so I could rub my sore feet, but people started complaining to the driver so he stopped the bus until my I put my shoes on. I told him that I had no socks and I was already late for work. He said he didn’t care and he wasn’t moving the bus until I put my shoes on. So I put them back on. Then I felt a bit guilty about slowing the bus down, so I gave the driver a card when I got off the bus. The driver laughed and said “Thanks pal”. I probably made his day. People don’t realise how happy other people get when you give them a nice Christmas card. Was late for work though by 20 mins. So Steve made me stand in the corner during the meeting and said I couldn’t go on my break. I had to eat my egg sandwich at my desk and it spilled on the keyboard. Then the keyboard wouldn’t work, so Steve called IT, and when they came to fix it they said it broke because there was egg in the keys. Steve asked if I had been eating at my desk again. I said no as I didn’t want to get done again, and Steve told me he’d “F*cking kill me” if I ate food at my desk again after I broke the scanner with Irn Bru in October. Steve asked how it got there then, I said I didn’t know, maybe it was homeless people in the night. Steve said “It’s still warm according to IT?” and looked at my quite stern, I pretended to scratch my foot and Steve asked why I wasn’t wearing and socks, and was I French. I said “No, I wasn’t French” even though Steve knows I’m not French. He walked off laughing and him & Hobbo called me Jean Paul for the rest of the day. I don’t know what that’s about. I asked Martine, but she told me she didn’t speak French and walked off. A door in the calendar today, I’m not sure what a door has to do with Christmas. Rang mum to ask her but she said she was running so she
couldn’t talk. Maybe she’ll ring me back after her run. Checked my e-mails, nothing from Roslinka. I don’t think night can be this long, even in Russia, so I sent her another message asking if she was ok, did she like eggs, and did she know any French people.
Wednesday 16th December – I woke up early this morning, so I looked out of the window for a bit. I saw a bird that was pecking at the ground, but the ground looked really hard, so the bird couldn’t dig. I went out with a big spoon and helped a bit with the digging by making a hole. The bird flew up to the roof while I was digging, and just sat there watching. I was sweating after a bit, and I didn’t want to be late for work again, so I put the spoon down and told the bird to come back down. It didn’t though, it just sat on the roof above the door. I went in and got changed, but when I was coming back out the bird did a poo on my shoulder. I don’t know why I bother trying to help people. Or birds. Didn’t have time to change or open my calendar or I would have been late for work. Then Steve shouted at me when I got to work for having dirt on my hands from digging. And poo on my shoulder. He said it was a Health & Safety risk. I told him that I was just trying to help the bird with the digging. He called me a knob, and told me to go and wash my hands at least. Then I came back and Hobbo said he had a spare T-shirt so he let me wear that. It was dead nice and soft. Hobbo said he didn’t want it back, so I could keep it as an early Christmas present. It’s my best T-shirt now. It’s so soft. Called at mum’s on the way home, but she said she was going out, I asked which way and I could walk with her. She said she was going the opposite way. I asked how she knew if she didn’t know where I was going. She said she just did. Opened my calendar as soon as I got home, think it was an ankle today. Probably a woman’s as there was no hair on it that I could see. Checked my e-mail, nothing from Roslinka so I sent another message, then a strange thing happened, I got an e-mail back saying “The user has blocked you”. Not sure what it means, I rang Jonny and asked him, he laughed and said it was because I’m a loser. I said it wouldn’t be that as the computer wouldn’t know that. He laughed again and hung up. Tried to ring mum but no answer.