I was born in Canada and I used to love it. But I never want to live there again.
I currently live in the hills of Acapulco Mexico now where the natives leave me alone and I am safe at last from the thoroughly sissified, humorless, politically correct, two-faced, double-crossing urbanites of 'big city' Canada.
If you are a Canadian in your twenties or thirties; then you're probably offended already. Which is the standard for you since you are likely on a rancorous crusade to rid society of all things rugged, healthy and mirthful.
You used to live in Montreal and Toronto; and always planned on moving to Vancouver. You now live in Hamilton, Ontario, one of Canada's more populous cities that no one cares for; and it is where you will most likely grow old and die.
You have come out of school avoiding manual labor your whole life and are going through the initiatory agony of a having part time job.
You have two left hands and really don't like the experience of working so you are now ready to embrace Communism so that you can level the playing field and bring as many people down to your ill-adapted level.
The strong and formidable, quick moving working people in your presence scare you, so you've made an appointment with HR to file a complaint and highlight the unsafe working conditions you endure. You are already rallying to form a Union behind the scenes, bringing yourself forward as Union Rep and coaxing the most insipid members of staff to vote.
You think you are an artist even though you've never displayed any talent and can't draw anything. When you try to draw it is something you would invariably describe as abstract and experimental.
You are a self-admitted cinephile and your favorite movie is Grease.
You say you are vegan but you eat dairy, fish, poultry, pork and beef whenever you feel like it.
You are a self-titled music expert but you've never heard of Supertramp or The Red Hot Chillie Peppers.
If you are a girl then you've likely already sheared off your beautiful long hair and dyed it purple.
If you are a boy then you celebrate your delicacy with a blubbering sob act and agree that men are crass, uncaring pigs.
You love your friends so much you could die even you've barely experienced a modicum of solitude because you'll accept anyone and everyone's company.
You have no sense of humor or get any good jokes so you just laugh all the time.
You are planning to make a film; It's the story of an unhappy, bullied teenager, with a passion for theatre and an overactive imagination. You've spent all your time finding the right name for your production company, setting up a facebook page and adding filmography credits to the IMDb website. But it's been 3 years now and you've written on Instagram about how much you've grown as an artist and that you need a fresh start.
You always pull out a copy of Albert Camus's L'Étranger from your shoulder bag when bringing up the topic of books; and just reiterate the description you read on the back cover because you can't get passed the first page.
You fervidly celebrate Native American culture yet care nothing for the ancient indigenous religions of the Germanic people you are related to.
You have never been in a fight.
You eat a lot of donuts and pastries and sit in a wheelchair because of the herniated disk in your back. You blame it on being a restaurant waiter years ago.