I used to want to be an alcoholic. For many years I've strived to be one. I have never succeeded, and now I'm here to tell you that I may never will.
I was raised to believe the behavior was shameful. And I thought that was cool. Now I haven't touched the stuff in nearly two weeks. It is a choice as swift and solid as deciding on a final porno to cum to. It is a choice made every day, and now I fear it may recur for a very long time.
I realize I just might miss out on my golden years, my 20's. The bedridden haze of mental abuse, neglect and deterioration. Roller-coaster relationships with skinhead schizophrenics that have no beginning or end. Parking-lot crowbar beatings and run-ins with the cops. The shit that I cherish, fueled by alcohol. The beauty of life. What if this sobriety was to continue? What then?
How could this have happened? It was all perfectly timed, a foolproof plan. As my dad once told me when I dropped out of college, "You fucked up, son." Well, I did and I didn't. I had a reason. It's the same reason I haven't touched a bottle in two weeks. Some small part of me regrets the evolution. I think to myself, I was getting so good at being a drunk. What the fuck happened?
The career I've chosen (comedian), practically calls for it. It's the secret ingredient. It's like being a chef without using salt, or a stockbroker without using cocaine. Why even bother?
I wonder if this may have to do with my constant need to challenge the norms, stay ahead of the curve. I've always been careful not to adopt any labels that would threaten my individuality. In this post-modern world, alcoholism may soon become a virtue at worst, and be more of a common "lifestyle" at best. I don't see a problem with that. Come out to your parents as drunks. Fucking do it. See what happens. Join the LGBTetc and add a 27th letter. Fuck AA; get real representation. Run for political office and use your drunkenness as an asset. "I am openly drunk!." Or better yet "I am openly a smackhead!"
In my new set I'm preparing titled "21", I joke about my old friends finally waiting long enough to toss the fake IDs aside. And one day they'll hit me up like "Bruh, let's hit the bars! We made it, bruh, no fake ID, for real this time! Get in a drum circle, this is like, a rite of passage, bro. We're free men now. Beat your chest. This is the taste of distilled freedom. Ha ha ha. Two of the greatest moments of my life: my first pubic hair, and drinking when I'm 21, and the government finally said it's OK." Fuck you.
And when I'm 21 in a couple months, I planned on saying something like, "Nah, why would I want to do that? Pay $5 extra for not even a half glass of whiskey, and it's legal now? Well, what fun is that?" That's my joke reason, and it's perfectly valid. It needs work for the stage, but you get the jist. If I actually enacted the joke in my own life, it'd probably be funnier. You'll see how far I'll go. You have no idea.
But that's my joke reason, perfectly valid. I have a personal reason that is much simpler.
I'm choosing not to drink because I can't take the physical exhaustion. It's taken a toll on my body. I've had breathing problems, I've gained weight, from just a couple drinks. I've had lapses of memory. Basic fucking skills that I would rather hold onto a little longer. What's next; shit my pants? Piss blood? It really is pathetic and I'm completely ashamed. I always wanted to be good at it. I really did. Unfortunately, it's just too much fucking work. And even if I didn't think it was cool--which it is--I'm just too fucking lazy to do the work. I'd rather be a lazy fuck and think crazy shit for a living. That's what I love.
Being drunk got to the point where it was becoming an act, where I was reciting the same lines every night. Like a road comic who's been telling the same jokes for ten years. Why am I doing this? I can't remember, so fuck it.
I'm not making it a rule. I'm not a "changed man". Fuck a changed man. We're all changing people, every day whether we like it or not. You think you're better than us? Suck a dick. I might be completely full of shit and come back around the bend in no time. And then you can all say I told you so. Doesn't change the fact. I don't want a drink.
I know, I didn't expect this either. I'm just as shocked as you. 'He's quitting drinking? The guy who based his whole life around it just as a prank, bruh?" Yeah, I really stopped giving a fuck. I've completely lost interest in the hobby. I almost feel bad for myself. Hell, most of my fucking heroes are notorious drunks and drug addicts. Am I fucking stupid? Why would I quit a habit that I always thought was cool, and still do? I thought that was what it was all about.
But when I really think about it, it comes down to the hustle. All I know is the hustle. I was born to hustle. And if anything gets in my way, you get cut like a dog's balls. Just like that.
Alcohol was just the gateway drug. Now I'm onto the harder stuff. Prime-time filth and shit. Pitch-black Stevie Wonder blindfold whips-and-chains, ball-busting, cock-thermometer comedy the likes you've never seen. I gotta be twice as edgy and vengeful just to compensate. You ain't seen nothing yet.
When I leave this earth, I don't think I'll have learned a goddamn thing.