DENVER—In what various friends and family members will soon recall as an admirable attempt to succeed but also a telling reminder of the capricious power of positive thinking, an area man is about to die trying.
"I'm done fucking around for real now, and this time I swear to God I'm going to get a job or die trying," the man said, completely unaware that his hyperbole would become reality in approximately 12 hours.
"Furthermore, I've decided to quit drinking and start seeing a psychologist so I can beat this depression fair and square. I don't go down without a fight, you know."
At press time, the man was three hours sober and hard at work on his resume, the speeding taxi he'd be meeting in the middle of a pedestrian crosswalk at 7:58 a.m. the next morning apparently the farthest thing from his mind.
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Hello from the high Rockies of Colorado. My name is Brandt, pleased to meet you. I'm a marketing copywriter but I don't know why. I live in a little ghost town called Leadville. This has been my entry to Comedy Open Mic Round 13. Sorry. For the next round of 
