So you’re on Steemit, eh? Sorry to hear; I have a worthless degree in Creative Writing too. Oh, yours is in Art? Yeah I figured those drawings were too good for you to be self-taught. How many years left on your loans do you have? Yikes, that’s more than me. What’s the price of Steem these days? Dang, I wish I had majored in Mathematics so I could figure out when I’d finally be out from under this mountain of debt. But boy does that diploma look sweet.
Well, don’t despair, at least we’re able to leverage our skills into $0.49 payouts! Sure we can’t get a real job, but there’s always creativity on the blockchain to put food in our bellies. And it could be so much worse. We could have made some seriously stupid choices when it came to our majors in college. Choices like...
1) Popular Culture
Let’s be honest: you watch way too much TV. You read far too many young adult novels. You listen to a gratuitous amount of Top 40 hits. What if there was a way for you to focus all this pointless consumerism into an actual college degree? Well lucky for you, Bowling Green University will let you major in laziness Popular Culture.
Still living in your mom’s basement? Perfect! This degree was tailor made for you. No need to even show up to class. Your term paper can be that Reddit flame war you won about whether DC or Marvel was better. Submit your Netflix history in lieu of a final exam. And under no circumstances may you ever remove your earbuds. You’ve got an entire decade of music to listen to each semester.
Just make sure you have strongly held opinions about the most subjective areas and meaningless issues in our society and you will be on your way to an A. Creating content is for suckers – you’re earning a degree in consumption, baby!
2) Nautical Archaeology
There is a reason gratuitous drug use is frowned upon at the highest levels of academia. When the dean of a university gets absolutely cocked on a blend of PCP and crystal meth and then logs in to their academic database, they go and create something absolutely insane. This is apparently what happened at Texas A&M. After a night spent binge watching Indiana Jones accompanied by enough Schedule 1 narcotics to kill a football team, some administrator decided that he too wanted to learn how to be Indiana Jones… under water!
Too embarrassed to correct his mistake, the major stands today. Future Harrison Ford’s can channel their inner Aquaman as they spend four years earning a degree in Nautical Archaeology. There’s a Lost City of Atlantis joke in here somewhere but I can’t find it -- and neither will they. Zing!
One part treasure hunter, one part SCUBA diver, one hundred percent unemployable. Hopefully you thoroughly enjoyed your time at school, because as far as I can tell, the only job available to the graduates is … teaching Nautical Archaeology. It’s like a closed loop Adventure League!
3) Canadian Studies
I am all for the study of other cultures. Despite my urges to do so, I did not put “Chinese Studies” on the list, because they’re probably going to be the downfall of the United States and I want as many people to figure out their secrets as possible before World War 3 breaks out. I also didn’t even put “Egyptology” on the list, because pyramids. And mummies. We can only make so many movies about Greek mythology before we scrape the bottom of that barrel and need to turn to Norse or (shudder) Roman. Having Egypt as a safe backup will ensure I will always have something to watch at the movies.
But I do need to draw the line somewhere. Some countries just don’t deserve their own major. So as for me, I draw the line at Canada. Yes, friends, you too can spend the equivalent of a nicely equipped BMW to attend Duke University and get a degree in Canadian Studies.
Presumably, the course load includes such exciting and enlightening classes such as: Apologizing 101, Maple Syrup 201, Running an Equestrian Only Police Force 203, and Hockey 301, 302, 401, and 402. And 501 and 502. It would mostly be a degree in hockey.
4) Astrobiology
Some people out there want to major in a worthless degree, but they don’t want anyone to think they slacked off through college. Because let’s be honest: most of these degrees can probably be earned while maintaining a 0.12 blood alcohol content for the duration of your undergraduate studies. Heck, I’m pretty sure to get a theater or a journalism major, a certain level of inebriation is actually a requirement.
For those over-achieving types who still want a degree as worthless as the study of America’s Hat but with the butt-clenching difficulty of the hard sciences, Penn State offers a degree in Astrobiology. It’s not rocket science and it’s not brain surgery. It’s a little bit of both. Why spend time learning about all the dead things in space or the live things on Earth when you can dump tens of thousands of dollars into studying all the life out in space!?
When you emerge with your crushing mountain of student debt but have a STEM degree in hand, you’re guaranteed to land a job with Will Smith as he flies off to disable the alien mothership.
5) Bagpiping
College is generally a place that people go to find themselves. I know I changed my major after I started. I think most people probably also did too. It’s just too hard to expect an 18 year old to know exactly what they want to do, so thankfully there are all kinds of broad degrees that prepare you to go into any number of fields. Biology opens the entire world of medicine. Computer Science allows entry into the vast realm of IT. Psychology makes available the exciting world of drug dealing. I am all for broad degrees.
But some people actually do have it all figured out. They know they want to be Tommy Lee Jones from Men In Black, and they go to Penn State. So for the aspiring young future bagpiper, Carnegie Mellon is waiting with open arms. That’s right – you can spend enough money to buy 70,000 McDonalds cheeseburgers annually for four years and walk away as the proud recipient of a degree in Bagpiping.
After that, the possibilities are endless. You could become a motivational speaker and earn a living helping other people avoid similar tragic life mistakes. You could sell your story to Hollywood and sob into a bowl of haggis as Seth Rogen makes a mockery out of your life. You could never look your friends or family in the eyes ever again. The sky is the limit!
6) Puppet Arts
So you want to creep everyone out with your major, eh? Well, you could go the route of the Incel guy who majors in Women’s Studies. Or maybe the white nationalist who majors in African American Studies. And hey, there’s always gynecology for you perverts out there. But you want to be more original than that. Or you’re a woman and admitting you were a gynecologist wouldn’t shut down a first date. Or maybe you finally decided to embrace your inner pedophile. You need something creepier.
Enter Puppet Arts, offered at the University of Connecticut. Earth is only allowed one endearing ventriloquist at a time, so until Jeff Dunham kicks the bucket, you’re guaranteed to make everyone around you uncomfortable. Good luck getting a job at PBS – this degree comes with instant registration as a sex offender. You might as well skip the degree and use the money on an old panel van and a year’s supply of candy instead.
Maybe it’s the hands up the backsides. Maybe it’s the childhood innocence and whimsy that is shattered when we see a behind-the-scenes photo of the set of Sesame Street. Or maybe it’s just that you’re an adult and none of us get to play with toys at our jobs so why should you. But whatever it is, if you do go to school for this, never admit it to anyone.
This was my entry for Round 28 of the Comedy Open Mic contest. I nominate 
@DollarsAndSense is a father, veteran, participant in the rat race, freelance writer, and volunteer EMT. He also tries to be funny sometimes. Want to read some of my previous comedy entries?
- My Cheesy Utopia
- So, you accidentally won a Narrative community auction, eh? An NRVE purchasing tutorial
- A Few Army Stories
- A Scholarly Exposition of the Dark Message Behind the Children's Book "Goodnight, Moon"
- Awesome Stuff Named After Crappy People
- Epic Stir Fry Timelapse
- An exposition of the deeper meaning within this Dr. Seuss book
Unless otherwise noted, all text and pictures in this post are my own and may not be reused without my permission.
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