The best reason to work out - Comedy Open Mic Round #14

The following story is from a chat between me and my dear friend Hive account@scuzzy.

Some names have been changed or omitted to protect identities.  Curses have also been replaced with the word "cuss" in the style of "Fantastic Mr. Fox".

This is finally my attempt to fulfill the challenge given to me from Hive account@mineopoly for the #comedyopenmic. I decided to take a page out of Hive account@monchhichi23's book, and retell a situation from real life.  I PERSONALLY did not find this funny. I found it to be terrifying.  Hive account@scuzzy found it to be boring (as he does with all my conversations with him. But I blackmail him to be my friend.)  my kids found it to be funny, but i think they laugh AT me.  If no one else thinks it's funny - sorry, but Hive account@andysantics48 laughed. and I think she just did to make me feel like I could be funny if i tried. that's what friends are for.

But.  at the end of the day, this is a story of survival.

and what doesn't kill you, scares the cuss out of you and almost makes you stroke out.

...and that's always funny, right?

dreemsteem

i got chased by spookies!!!!

i had the meeting tonight at 9

so i left the party (that i didn't want to go to)

and i'm like ok everyone byeeeeee

but i forgot - no car! cuz i walked there!!!!!

Scuzzy 

meeting at 9?

dreemsteem 

yea.

Scuzzy 

spookies?

dreemsteem

😒

hey! you're ruining my story mister.

Scuzzy 

I don't understand gang slang!!

go on

i shut up

dreemsteem 

now...

i had a meeting at 9 ish

so i had to be home to get online 

but i'm at the party - that i didn't want to go to.

and i lost playing a game cuz i had the worst stupid things ever to draw. but nevermind that.

but i hate losing

so - i'm leaving the party. ( cuz i lost)

i thought i was gonna drive to the party earlier

but lo and behold

i go outside and there is no car

so i had to walk

lovely evening for a walk

10-15 minutes to get there

nice.  fine.  beautiful light... perfect evening

then - time to come home. (cuz i lost the game. bye party)

but no more beautiful sunshine. it's night.

and DARK.

there are no  lights here cuz i live in the cussin' Boondocks!!!!

and when we were playing a game (at the party i didn't want to go to)

they were using my phone for the clues to draw on the big paper thing.

and the other girl didnt do what she was supposed to do to prepare

so we were both using my phone for the clues.

didn't think about the phone dying!!!!

so - i'm leaving. (cuz i lost.) and i'm a good sport when i win. and a cussy loser.

so bye everyone. i hate you all.

and i start walking home

and i look at my phone and its at like 4%

and i'm like GULP

just kidding!!!! i dont' hate you all - who wants to walk me home?!?!?!?!

but they're like - nope . get outta here. you're a bad loser.  walk yourself home

and i'm like fine. then i DO hate you all. and i should have won anyway

(course all this was in my head)  cuz, out loud- i'm like okkkkkkkkk byeeeeeeeeee  kissy kissy mwah!!!!

BUT honestly..... their clues were like "Harry Potter" and "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles"

and my clues are "Cold Shoulder" and "Whisper"

WHAT THE CUSS!

how do you draw WHISPER????

i digress.

(Hive account@scuzzy is silent. pretending to listen. but we all know he was sleeping, right? right!?)

so... i start walking. and i'm like dang it.

 1. i  need to get home

and 2. its dark as cuss out here. who chose to live here?!?!?!

and 3. ummmm what kind of animals can eat me?

and 4.  where the cuss are the lights?!?!?!?!

and 5. oh my gosh. if my phone dies - i'm gonna freak the cuss out

and 6.  what was that noise? eeeeeeeeeeeeeek. walk faster

so. i'm walking... faster. and the gravel is making echoey sounds

 ... like someone else is behind me

but i can't look!

cuz if i look - they'll kill me

they wait for you to look, you know?

they'll leave me alone if i just keep walking.

and then i'll probably feel them breathing down my neck but.....

i'm just like ohhhhhh la la la. i'll just pretend i'm not afraid

ho hum. what a lovely evening!

pitch black is not scary at all, my good man!

perhaps i'll whistle a little "i'm not afraid" tune.

a chipper one, you know?

but you can't whistle when you're scared.  it just sounds like air through pursed lips.

and then i hear something beside me. a tree branch.  snap. or a something like a twig

like the Blair Witch project!!!!!!

and i'm like aghhhhhhhhhhhh please don't take my teeth out, Blair Witch!!!!!

I need my molars!!!!!

WHYYYYYY did i talk about the blair witch with Hive account@monchhichi23 today?!?!?!?!

and then i hear in the distance.

woooooooooooooo wooooooooooooooooooooooooo 

wooooooooooooooooooooooooo

and i'm like. WHAT. FRESH. HELL. IS. THIS.

who the cuss moved me out to the boondocks?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

but it wasn't like an owl wooo wooo

Scuzzy (ok maybe he wasn't sleeping)

🐸

dreemsteem

it was like a wolf wooooo woooooo

but there are no wolves here

and it was louder

like.... a train woooo woooo???? wolf woo woo?????

weird very LOUD windy, wolfy, train woo woo noise

and i'm like .... my legs are BURNIN' at this point.

cuz i am NOT about to lose my flashlight on my phone

and spookies is allllll around me.

and so i turn up my hill. and i'm like. oh cuss it.

i have no lungs right now. nor legs

but if you think.... if you THINK. that i'm about to die tonight?!?!?!

you have another thing coming.

so i start huffing it up the hill. and i'm like . oh cuss.

i did not think this through.  i cannot even pace myself though!!!

cuz grim reaper.... 

he's behind me waiting for me to turn around and acknowledge him

so i'm like- marching full tilt boogie up this mountain now.

and finally - i'm close to my house and i can hear noises like my hubby

and i'm like pant pant pant pant pant hey! pant pant pant pant

and he's like oh hey!  where were you?

and i'm like ok-  now i wont die. cuz the grim reaper is scared of my 6'8" hubby.

and i get up there and he's like....

you're out of shape

Scuzzy 

🥁(that's a drum if you can't tell. he was implying that my husband... nevermind.)

dreemsteem 

and i'm like.   um. i didn't die tonight.  so.

and he's like where were you.  and i'm like

pant pant pant pant pant pant "par....." pant pant pant pant "ty."

he's like why are you breathing so hard?

i said - hold up.

just.

stop.

for a minute.

what's the cuss is that sound? do you hear that?

and he's quiet

and you can hear the wooooooooooo wooooooooooooooooooooooo WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

and his eyes are like

😳

😲

and i'm like mm hmmm.

that's why i can't breathe.

cuz i was running for my life from whatever that sound is

and he's like - ummmm yeah. lets get in the house?

Scuzzy (silent)

dreemsteem 

but - i think that noise was like.... something..... like  - industrial????

but it was so weird

it almost sounded like.... crazy cuss from The Hunger Games.

so.  yeah. 

this is when I'm happy that I've completed 5 weeks of Hive account@coachjj's fitness challenge

cuz.  if this was week 1.

i would probably be dead.

Scuzzy 

could be an alien

what if it was a friendly ghost

dreemsteem 

i think it was not.

cuz if it was  a friendly ghost.

it would be like... offering me a seat on his bicycle

and ringing a nice little bell.

and maybe offering me some hot cocoa

Scuzzy

maybe a mute ghost?

or disabled

so it was having troubles reaching out to you

dreemsteem 

no i think it was mechanical wolves

Scuzzy 

hmm

those are very rare

dreemsteem

true

but - i do live on the edge of civilization

so - its kinda where the weird things hang out.

and breed.

but i'm alive.

the end.

*No pickles were harmed in the making of this post. 

Image source: Pickle Man Stroking Out Opening a Jar