As I watch my financial empire collapse and my crypto portfolio crumble, I’m continuing to post on steemit in order to earn more of this incredible disappearing fake money. If nothing else, it’s something to do in between installing new toilets (see my post from earlier this week) which will give me a more comfortable place to sit as I watch my portfolio drop into the toilet while I also drop things into the toilet.
I’m afraid to go back and tally up the amount of fiat currency I’ve stuffed into crypto’s gaping maw. I don’t want to know. FIAT probably means ‘flush it away today’, because that’s what I’ve been doing.
This is probably what it’s like working at a buffet restaurant. You keep putting food out on the table, and these big fiat-eating hogs come up and chow down on your cash, leaving you with a few crumbs and an empty soul.
That’s crypto.
Anyway, I’ve wondered what else I could have done with my money instead of buying invisible disappearing bits. Here are my top five well-performing Non-Crypto FIAT Investments That Didn’t Suck While Crypto Did Suck (NCFITDSWCDS, for short).
Non-Crypto FIAT Investments That Didn’t Suck While Crypto Did Suck
1 - Fantasy sports: Yes, fantasy sports is a great investment, despite what my wife keeps yelling at me. I’ve invested less money into fantasy sports than I ever have in crypto, and have more profit to show for it over the years. Plus I get to watch sports. And drink beer.
2 - Toilet paper: The most useful substance on earth is toilet paper. Have you ever heard someone regret buying toilet paper? Mostly never. I like to stock up and buy a couple months worth at once (it’s a bad day when you run out of toilet paper, trust me), but I could have spent a suitcase full of fiat on a garage full of toilet paper a year ago, and I’d still be happily using it today. Except if I had bought Scott brand toilet paper. Have you ever used that stuff? It’s unhealthy for your anus. I’d regret that decision. Daily.
3 - Gas: (Or petrol, if you’re one of those kinds of people). I filled a couple 5 gallon containers last year, but if I had bought a tanker truck full of gas a year ago when gas was only kind-of-expensive instead of crazy-expensive, I’d be super happy with that investment right now. I’d drive around in my 9 MPG Landwhale motorhome slurping down that sweet 2017 fuel which cost me about $2.42, instead of paying $2.79 like all the suckers are today. I’d cruise around the neighborhood all day mocking everyone and showing off my wise fiduciary decisions.
4 - Beer: I should have stocked up on beer in the beer bear market. Granted, I bought a lot last year, but then I promptly drank my investments before letting them mature properly. Still, I should have bought more. That’s never a bad idea, right? And I’d be really popular right now if I had a house full of beer. A house full of beer and toilet paper. What could be better?
5 - Pigs: Oh, right. I should have bought a pig. Hell, I should have bought a dozen. If I bought some little pig babies a year ago, they’d be huge and fat and full of bacon right now, ready to be harvested. I definitely missed the pig window.
I am not a financial advisor, but this is really damn good advice.
In the tradition of Comedy Open Mic, I nominate 
