Think of someone you would describe as a GREAT conversationalist. What is it that makes them so great… can you put your finger on it? In this video, I talk about the things that I personally focus on when it comes to the art of conversation.
Becoming a better communicator is beneficial in so many ways. First of all, it just makes life more enjoyable! Being able to get past the “fluff” and engage more meaningfully can really help to deepen your relationships. Understanding the basic structure of how to be a good communicator/conversationalist can also help to boost your confidence in uncomfortable situations. Perhaps you are in a meeting or at a party with a lot of people you don’t know. Even for an extrovert like me, this can sometimes feel a little intimidating. By strengthening this skill, you will feel more at ease in these situations and will likely enjoy yourself more as well!
Be Engaged
Nothing makes a conversation turn south faster than someone checking their phone, or looking around the room. This goes beyond just simply listening and making good eye contact – being engaged means that you are an ACTIVE participant. Your goal should be to make them feel like they are the most important thing to you right now.
Be Uplifting to the Other Person
People feel more connected to others when they feel seen. By noticing something unique about them, or complimenting them on an accomplishment – it makes them feel special and appreciated. I’m not saying to be fake, because a compliment that is not sincere will actually have the opposite effect. In the video I give a few examples of how this might play out in a way that is authentic, uplifting and makes the other person feel really encouraged.
Guess what? It feels GOOD to make others feel good about themselves. By focusing your energy on being affirming to that person, you might be surprised at how much it picks up your mood as well.
Don’t Start Forming a Response While They are Speaking
Everyone says to be a “good listener”, but what does that really mean? It means staying present in the moment while they are speaking, and not beginning to form your own response. The second the wheels in your brain start turning on a response, you are only half listening to them. Even if you are still hearing the words they are saying, you aren’t fully processing them.
I once took an improv acting class once, and this was the BIGGEST thing they stressed with us. The point of improv is not to be funny, the point is to respond to the other person and create something together. The best magic on stage happens when two people are just playing off of each other. It’s pretty obvious when you see two people both trying to “take over” the scene and create their own big moment. It works much better when they stay 100% clued in to what the other person is doing. The same principle applies to everyday conversations!
Watch the Other Person’s Body Language
Be open to changing and adapting to flow with the conversation. Each person will have a different comfort level when it comes to eye contact, closeness, random interjections… etc. Guess what? Not only can this change from person to person, but it can be different every day for the same person depending on their mood! This all comes back to staying in the moment and in-tune with the other person. If you notice them looking annoyed or drawing back slightly when you interject, take note of that! Some people hate feeling interrupted, while others love the more interactive “back and forth” feel.
Be Authentic
I know this probably goes without saying, but if you actually want to connect with someone – you have to be totally authentic with them. People can sense barriers/walls immediately and will usually reciprocate that same energy back to you. If you want to go deeper in the conversation – be willing to take a risk and go there first. Some people will have walls up no matter what – but it is a more common human response to reciprocate the other person’s energy. If you are being 100% comfortable with yourself in the conversation – it gives them permission to do the same.
This is a big topic and there are many different ways to think about it. These five areas tend to be what I have worked on the most to improve my communication skills.
So I’m curious…
Which of these tips resonated the most with you? Is there anything you would add to the list?
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