I made a comment reply earlier today on a reddit thread (it's probably deleted by now so no link) that got me to thinking about this and how I've learned so much in the past couple of years that I was never aware of. At first, that scared me. A lot. I'll get to that, it's much easier to walk those interested through it rather than just make a statement and expect people to believe me.
Let me start by employing the following hypothesis: that we are a consciousness residing in a body in direct opposition to the commonly accepted notion that we are a body with a consciousness.
I'm employing a very basic cause and effect reversal experiment and observing the results. I only experiment on myself and do my best not to interfere with others. I'm not here to solve their questions, just mine. If they ask, well then I'll answer with as much honesty as I know how. I gave myself permission to do that and these are some of the results of the experiment.
My preliminary conclusion is that we are both and my two halves weren't communicating with each other because one was afraid and the other was in too much pain.
The exercise to bridge that rift is in communication, not engaging in a back and forth power struggle. I lost communication with myself because I forgot it was real. And I forgot it was real because the belief that it wasn't was being enforced all around me through religion, education, science, corporate and political structures, the economy, everywhere is a construct of this bipolar game people are playing, I was playing. I was living in a very lonely and disconnected world.
That doesn't mean it's the only way though, there's the kicker. I can still learn from it. Things do change. They must or we would cease to exist and we're still here. Yeah, there was definitely a big piece of the puzzle I was missing. I had a lot backwards apparently. So if it is real, why focus on where the power comes from and instead try simply using that power to improve my own connection and change myself? It works too. And there's a good reason for that.
We are the power. That's why struggling makes no sense whatsoever, it's just fighting with yourself. Nobody ever really wins in a power struggle, I've witnessed evidence of that fact my whole life, it was all around me, everywhere I looked. This or that, win or lose, black or white, good or evil, believer or non-believer, and on and on it goes. It's literally pointless. Why the hell do we keep doing that? It's kinda insane... :O The only variable that remains constant in that experiment is the back and forth part. It is represented as time to give us past, present and future so we can reference things a little easier and get some bearings. As I started to get my bearings, more questions popped up.
What if the struggle I was witnessing on the outside was merely a representation of a relationship inside that was struggling? Creating our own reality is still a pretty big leap for me but I am starting to observe some effects that would seem to indicate that may indeed be happening. There is very little else that can explain some of the observations I've been making lately. It's not scary though, so that helps. Still, I feel so young in many ways again. It's almost like I'm taking a new character through a game I've already played before but a bunch of new shit has been added to the game since I played it last! :)
PSA: No living thing was harmed in the process of conducting this experiment. In fact, no negative consequences have presented themselves at all in the two years + this experiment has been underway. Those are some excellent results, I'm pretty sure I'm onto something here... LOL
So let's start with the basics. What led me to this decision was a lifetime of not knowing why... I feel like I spent my whole life asking why until finally I must have asked the right one: Why the fuck am I even here? That was actually the question I asked myself just a few short years ago. It was full of anger, despair, shame, inadequacy, guilt, hurt, sadness and pain. That one question somehow managed to incorporate and include within it ever other why question I'd ever asked. There were an infinite amount of circumstances that could explain all of those things but I didn't want to consider them because I believed that none of it could change because I couldn't change. And I believed I couldn't change because that's not how it works.
But what if I was wrong? What would that look like? What's the worst that could happen that I haven't imagined a million times already? It takes energy either way, why not imagine a better way?
So I imagined. What would living be like if we could change? What could we change? What would we change? Why would we want to change? Is there a piece to this puzzle I may just be missing somehow? Am I OK with not knowing the answer while I seek it? Apparently yes, I'm still here. And doing OK.
And here's the key point: At this stage was the moment I gave myself permission to live instead of just continue on. I even challenged myself as a dare to do it and threw in another hypothesis to consider: that there's nothing to be afraid of.
Let me tell you, it is a very different experience approaching things from that point of view. I had to train myself to notice the negative emotions and note the circumstances that triggered them. It wasn't easy at all! I was filled with an ungodly amount of repressed rage. LOL That was a good thing though because it gave me an easy place to start. The point here is that we are all different so I can't tell anyone else how to get to this point. People literally must do it on their own. It simply does not work any other way, unless we want it to for whatever reason. If you still want to feel the rage, by all means, express away! The point is to recognize that you do have a choice, you can always choose not to change a thing and there is nothing wrong with that. Sometimes it's what keeps you safe. If keeping it helps you feel better, by all means keep it. I'm not here to get in the way of that.
What I came to see after the first little while of doing this on myself was that I had much more control over how I feel than I ever thought possible. It was a stunning revelation. And just knowing that made me feel so much better. It lifted me up in a very real way. Road rage, if that applies, is a great one to start with especially if you're alone in the car. Notice when you feel it coming on. It takes a while. I started noticing but it was always after I felt it, like I couldn't see it coming or something. But as I practised, it got easier AND less annoying overall. I took that as a win.
Here's the next big thing to understand as it relates to the road rage example, I didn't actually get rid of it through this whole process, I came to understand it. Now I can tell when I'm about to have a bout of road rage and I have enough time to be more aware of my surroundings to allow myself time to consider a different choice, maybe break a little sooner or harder than I might have otherwise. Who knows, but the feeling that comes with knowing you have a choice is exactly the opposite of rage. It's so quiet and subtle at first, you don't even notice it. The mindfulness helped me to clear my filters, or reprogram, or whatever analogy makes the most sense. By allowing space to feel I was able to understand the feelings themselves a little better. I would say this is when an honest attempt at communication started to really happen from a place of mutual respect and trust. I know I can trust me, right? Of course.
After a while of this, I ran into the tougher ones. Like, holy fuck, am I losing my mind??? I became mindful of a lot of crazy talk going on through that phase but I made it. This was the point when I was able to see more clearly just how much of that incessant chatter wasn't even mine. Literally. When I started to tune into that chatter I heard my Mother, my Father, my sisters and brothers, a couple of teachers, grand-parents, etc. Every authority figure in my life had a voice residing in my head. And once I recognized that, it was far easier to communicate with those voices so they could take their leave from my space. :)
The fun part of this stage is that they are all still there chatting away and I'm OK with that. I don't need to ask them for directions anymore, thank God. I love them though and it's OK for them to take up some space in my head. There's plenty of room here at 10%. Maybe we're at 15% by now, who knows. Regardless, I can safely tune them out now and it's OK, they're still there if I want to tune back in for some reason.
Once you get past those first few humps, things pick up steam. Which leads me to the next stage, the one I'm currently in.
Hold on for the ride. This is when you finally meet yourself. The one behind the wheel, so to speak. I have a ton of driving dreams. It's staggering really. At the same time, it makes perfect sense as a metaphor. It represents the best way it can a reflection of the circumstances I am facing. Finding a path that makes me happy. And in that respect, isn't that really what we all want? I think so.
I wasn't listening to the driver because I was too busy listening to everybody else. I didn't know I was the driver either. Sometimes I still forget. It's a big thing to realize! The enormity of it is staggering, literally. LOL
So I decided to stop driving for a while and enjoy the scenery, take a little rest, try to catch up a little with myself. Maybe there are other things that can surprise me I hadn't been aware of before because I spent all my time trying to prove I could drive with my eyes shut? This is where I'm at now still. I'm enjoying it very much too! I'm finally getting to know me and all of the me's are getting to know each other as it blends back into a whole.
I am a consciousness with a body and my body is capable of altering how much I can observe. My body can even develop its own consciousness, it's that advanced, it's called survival. The fear comes from that misaligned and outdated programming and I can help myself with that by accepting it as another part of who I am. I'm not just driving this beast, I'm capable of programming it as well and there are a shit load of upgrades going on in there I don't even know about yet. The purpose of allowing change isn't to hurt me but to help me accept, however difficult it is to conceive, that I am all of me, it's OK to merge some of them together to make room for more. I feel the merging happening like I am somehow integrating more of who I am back into a whole and I can't explain it beyond that. It's something a person needs to experience for themselves to truly understand.
I am now seeing an increasing number of people exhibiting similar behaviour to my own and I want to put this out there just in case someone is looking for it. This has been an honest account of my experience, may it be of assistance to those who seek it. Be kind to yourself, you are not alone.
Cross-posted to reddit October 2, 2016: https://www.reddit.com/r/MandalaEffectsME/comments/55j9cp/theory_consciousness_becoming_aware_of_itself/
Here is a screen shot of the reddit comment that tickled my desire to share this and thanks for listening, I appreciate it very much. Blessings.
