Guess what inanimate object I am:
Dear family,
Konichiwa. I’ve been having some health problems. I’ve had GERDS for ages, and it just never seems to settle down. It’s leaving some pretty significant scar tissue on the affected areas. And there is this severe itch going on as well, on the surface of my skin. It’s worse in Spring with all the pollen and trees and flowers blooming and growing--hayfever I’m thinking. But I’m not sure. I need to speak with my allergist and see if I should get tested. And to top it off, I’ve got some kind of dandruff sluffing off in my scalp. Sun damage, as well as typical aging that comes from being exposed to the elements for so long. It’s very embarrassing. I used to be beautiful and have a full head of hair and a healthy scalp.
Now there’s not a lot up there. I’ve gone almost completely bald over the years. It’s like all the hair on top fell off and regrew in all the wrong places. But it's not so bad. I wear a white toupee most of the time, and I dare say I look rather distinguished this way.
I’m very weather-worn, and not as attractive as I used to be. It’s hard getting old. But I am still able to provide some comfort and solace to many. I have dozens of visitors daily. Most of them like to visit my pools and gardens, but it is a bit of a hike to get there, so even though I am very well known, only a limited number of visitors actually make it to my property. Which is OK with me. I don't need a bunch of monkeys on my back.
Relocating into a facility is simply out of the question. I’m very deeply rooted here, and it’s where I’ll stay until I die. I’ll probably outlive them all, knowing my genetics. I’ve been around enough to see their grandparents grow from children to old, to dead. Some of them chose to be buried in my yard, which I find rather endearing. I miss them.
I suppose I'm not all that haggard. But still, I miss the old days, when I had a lot more activity in these legs.
Well, I am tired. I think it is time to sit down. I’ve got a lot of gas. Could you pick me up something to relieve it when you return?
Yours truly,
J.M.P.