Day 1 of stay at home
Tl;dr at the bottom (“too long; didn’t read” for you non Reddit folk)
My morning routine was the usual. Without getting into too much detail, I cautiously took the final sheets of toilet paper off our last roll (don’t worry, it was enough). Of course the country has been in full blown ape-shit panic mode which has led to the toilet paper industry blossoming - who would have thought those two would go together? Anyways, I knew I had to provide for my family by any means necessary. Of course, Tilly wasn’t all that worried about it, she’d poop in the corner and then run around the house naked if we let her. Luckily, my amazing wife Layla doesn’t live by the same rules Tilly does, so I knew I had to act. I scavenged the house and found some tissues - immediate crisis averted, but I still knew what must be done.
I went to work (I’m essential, never thought I’d say that) and went about my usual day. At 2pm, I knew there was going to be a big announcement. Like any good employee, I got on Facebook to see what all the fuss was about. Just as I suspected, we’re on lockdown. Being the good husband I am, I texted Layla and told her I was going to swing by Wally World if she needed me to get anything. Naturally, a few minutes later, I had a list.
I pulled into Wally World and found a parking spot that was a minimum 20 ft away from any other car - social distancing (or I was in the work truck and didn’t want to get ran into, either way). Like most husbands with a shopping list, my natural instincts took over and I started on the right side of the store. After an aisle and a half, I realized the toilet paper was on the other side of the store, dammit. What if I’m not the only one here? What if there’s only one package left and ‘Karen’ gets that 3rd emergency pack? I thought long and hard for 2 seconds and continued on my path, up and down every aisle to find the long list of 7 items.
Finally, I saw the sign for paper products, toilet paper, etc. On my way over, I passed an elderly woman and noticed she had a pack of toilet paper. I eyed her cart, judged how quick and strong she was and came up with a backup plan if there wasn’t any left on the shelf - socks. I slowly, but eagerly walked over to the promised land. Sweet Baby Jesus - there it was, toilet paper. I was going to save my marriage. I looked over the options and quickly realized I couldn’t be picky. We wouldn’t get to live the luxurious life of Charmin any longer. My eyes came onto the cheaper, not as soft or strong, bargain toilet paper. Just as I’ll do with every wipe, I took a deep breath and thought about all the assholes (no pun intended) who hoarded my precious Charmin, and reached for what was available. I did it. There really is light at the end of the tunnel and all will be well in the Sheets household.
Tl;dr Ran out of toilet paper, went and got more.