Well I finally had my first counselling session today.
It has been quite an experience and an ordeal to arrange.
My doctor referred me for counselling to the local health board. When the local health board assessed me by phone I discovered it is actually quite difficult to qualify for counselling. Even though I had ended an 8 year emotionally abusive relationship badly, was off work with anxiety and depression for work related stress, had lost my home and most of my belongings and had suicidal thoughts, this was not deemed enough, according to the assessor, to qualify for counselling sessions on the NHS.
They told me I needed to sort out my problems with my ex-partner and my employer. That would make sense if I could stomach conflict, but if I could I would not be in this predicament anyway.
I went back to the doctor and they confirmed my suspicions, counselling services in my area are oversubscribed and there are huge waiting lists so it is difficult to qualify.
I had to go private.
I had this healthcare package in work but I had lost all my details and I wasn't sure what to do. I was advised by my occupational health adviser that they would arrange for my employer to e-mail the information over to me. This did not happen and I had to approach my employer directly for the details.
It was a bit emotional and nerve wracking. Just contacting my employer triggered my anxiety to such an extent that I had IBS, nervous shakes, my appetite shrunk further and my insomnia escalated.
I had to attend a meeting now, in the office. I was anxious.
In the meeting they provided me with the phone number to retrieve my membership details. They also advised me that once I had recovered from my illness, they would then make arrangements for me to return to work. I explained that the main cause of my illness was the fact that I could not keep up with my workload. They advised me that my workload would be slowly handed back to me but they could not see how it could be reduced! If I suffered any further anxiety attacks at my desk after I returned I should talk to HR. I was also instructed to wipe the slate clean with my line manager!!
I really don't know what to do now. I had my first counselling session today and the counselor seemed more focused on my ex than my job. I thought I fixed the problem with my ex, I broke up with him. It's the idea of returning to work that fills me with dread. The thought that they will just pile too much work on top of me and that I will just break down again.
They broke my spirits once and, to me, it doesn't sound like they will make sure it won't happen again.