Testimonials and deciphering the deep reasons that dig the tear beyond all reason.
He loved elsewhere or "simply" lying with another. And if we would like to keep the sense of the measure, sometimes we collapse, ravaged. Sometimes this tear lasts several years. Decryption of this subsidiary pain that hinders the happiness of women who have been "deceived".
It is felt as a palpable, insidious and devastating presence, infidelity, and in its wake the other, the rival. Liaison or accident of course? Our emotional crocodile does not make the difference, the one we love has betrayed us, and it sends us to the brink. Always. All. Even if some say the opposite, perhaps to protect themselves, or because their couple is based on another contract ... There was a before, where we combined freedom of each with confidence, and then there is today, which seems to say: "Beyond this limit, your ideal of torque is no longer valid."
"The unbearable thing is that the other enjoys and desires elsewhere, at that moment it is as if one no longer exists for him, hence the feeling of dying, crushed with suffering" explains the psychoanalyst Sophie Cadalen.
And then, the rival now haunts our living space, she consumes our air, since, even for a moment only, she has replaced us with him: "She took my place, she embodied my skin, she played my role, Stephanie blows. In addition, the physical resemblance between the two of us was so striking that it was the perfect double, it gives the feeling of being erased, of being killed ... "Dizzying, inevitably.
Adult, we take our emotional role where we left him child, with the intention, this time, to emerge winner, decodes the sociologist Patricia Delahaie. Some women, for example, are used to scrambling for their father, choosing men who are inaccessible or putting them in competition with other women. "For them, unfaithfulness marks the end of the day. red iron a new failure. To be a deceived woman is also to take full advantage of her disappointed dreams: no, we are not everything for him; no, we are not the ideal woman capable of rendering all temptation bland and preventing her from succumbing to other matters; yes, there were pretense hanging on our idea of the couple: "One can claim to be a liberated woman, with inside the couple, each one's own moments, but the pain of unfaithfulness reveals that our speech was perhaps just a facade, emphasizes Sophie Cadalen. Our certainties and our constructed reasoning are collapsing, and it's a tear. "
Injury so unbearable that in the survival kit, the clash is pulled out. This flash of lightning that flanks the door a love story. "The clash makes it possible to touch nothing in the relationship, not to dig in. It avoids measuring its share of responsibility", the psychoanalyst completes. Finally, the pain is on all the emotional stages of infidelity. As time goes by, everyone tinkers with their healing. To save his skin and rebuild himself. Some forgive, others do not. To dare to believe again and give yourself the chance of a new love. With him or without him.
Something cracked in me"
The testimony of Delphine, 44
I could have put it on the account of weariness, it would perhaps have hurt me less. But there it was at the beginning, he was in love, and I had not even been able to hold him back.
I was knocked out, anesthetized. Yet, and it is so paradoxical that I still do not explain it, during the hours that followed, I was calm, while I suffered martyrdom. In fact, I think I wanted to play the deceived woman worthy, to prove to him that he was right to choose me, me, the woman class, over a story of ass dating back almost twenty years. We talked about "adults". But when he seemed ready to file the file, almost certain that I was sponging, something suddenly cracked in me. I was exhausted, my suffering broke out, the rage with it, and he almost took the ashtray to the head. I wanted violence, to beat him, to make more of him, to hurt him even more than he hurt me. I threw him in the face and threw against the walls the gifts he had given me,
Loosely, he went for a drive. It unleashed me, then I collapsed.My couple was only a decoy. For years, I claimed loud and clear our family happiness, while I was the cuckold who ignores, I was the bitch who had not seen. His infidelity called into question the legitimacy of our union, its feelings for me and our mutual respect; he had been lying to me for so many years. I lost all confidence in myself in a few seconds. Until then, I had always thought that we understood each other as if we were one, and there, I realized that I did not know everything about him, that he had his secrets. I was so full of illusions that I had to mourn. I wanted to know from the menu, until the obsession, why this woman - to her, I did not blame him, in fact, it was him, the traitor - what she had more, what he did with her, what he said to her, where they had seen each other, why they had broken up. I needed to weigh physically what had happened. He did not remember it well, he claimed it was old, and I knew it was true. He assured me he had loved only me. There too, I believed it. The deep trust remained intact. We decided to take a break of a few weeks to start on new bases: day and night, I thought, I had outbreaks of hatred, but I missed it. He came home every week to see our children; one night he stayed awake and he did not leave again. " I believed him. The deep trust remained intact. We decided to take a break of a few weeks to start on new bases: day and night, I thought, I had outbreaks of hatred, but I missed it. He came home every week to see our children; one night he stayed awake and he did not leave again. " I believed him. The deep trust remained intact. We decided to take a break of a few weeks to start on new bases: day and night, I thought, I had outbreaks of hatred, but I missed it. He came home every week to see our children; one night he stayed awake and he did not leave again. "
Source
"I ended up hiring a detective"
The testimony of Maeva, 40
who confirmed my suspicions. I was a deceived woman.
It has become sordid: my friend and her husband have accused me of faking and wandering, then she gossiped about me to our surroundings, to the point that my first husband came to doubt the paternity of our child. Even today, if I crossed her, I think I would want to kill her. This betrayal destroyed me and plunged me into such deep despair that I made three suicide attempts. Let him go, I could have accepted, but not with a friend. Deceived on the values that are fundamental to me - trust, loyalty, commitment, sincerity - I ended up no longer believing in anything. In addition, after having betrayed me, when I discovered everything, my man rejected me as a less-than-nothing.
I lost all sense of myself, I needed to get dirty, I did not know who I was. Unconsciously, I put myself in the place to which he had cataloged me: nothing. I healed myself by collecting adventures, I wanted to get drunk with carnal pleasure to reassure me, but I hurt myself, in reality. I also blame myself for not having masked my intense sadness and dismay. It's easier to climb the slope without the gaze of others, which sends you back the shame of the one who has been betrayed and who has been so naive. From now on, I know that one must know how to listen to what men tell us. If I had, I would have known in advance because he had already behaved like that with other women. And above all, do not believe, wrongly, that with us, it will be different.
Love today? I do not know if I believe it. The words of love especially, they slip, even those of my current lover. I still hope to make a good trip with him, but who knows? "
Source
"I imagined it with her"
The testimony of Camille, 35
"I imagined it with her, I had pornographic visions to be nauseated ... We had just celebrated" our two years ", the weekend had been wonderful, we understood each other instinctively, it was the perfect osmosis ... But when I came home, I felt tense: "The blues at the end of the weekend?" - "No, that's not it." I insisted, he was sitting on the bed to tell me that he had slept with one of his colleagues, I thought I was dying, I would have begged the whole world so that it would not be true and go back, that he would not He had put his hands on another, he had penetrated another, I had pornographic visions to be nauseated, for me, sexuality goes with feelings, he had deceived me on his love, he had played with mine, it meant that I counted so little.
It was my body that spoke first: I had pain everywhere, as if I had been beaten, a pain that came from the guts, I had spasms in the stomach, I was annihilated. When he wanted to settle with a friend, "the time I calm down", I sank. "In fact, I did not know the man I loved more than anything in the world. In tears, I clung to him, I begged, I was pitiful. For a month, he did not call and did not answer my calls either. I was told that he was celebrating at this or that place. I imagined sleeping with this woman again and again. I had seen her once or twice, she was not even pretty. I tortured myself to wonder what he had found more than me.
What broke me was to tell me that he had played comedy during this weekend. Maybe he had calculated? It's like a stab at being both betrayed and fooled. It also destroyed me to discover that he did not love me enough to love only me, and to understand that everything had been bogus, his words, his promises, and that he was able to despise me as n any girl who would not have counted in her life. His phrase dropped, he had swept our story, without seeking forgiveness. It meant: "You or another ..." For a long time, I felt lousy, the girl who was not worth it. Many times, I envied those who had the courage of suicide, but there were my children (a first marriage, ed) ...
I was ready to accept the unacceptable. I loved him so much that, despite everything, I would have forgiven for our story to continue. I was naive enough to believe that I would manage to capture his feelings for myself alone, without having any desire for others. In my desperation, I was even ready to accept the unacceptable: since it was for sex that he had this adventure, I agreed to comply with his wishes and become a deceived woman. If he wanted other women, all right, but with me ... I thought I was going to die a second time when he told me that with me, it did not interest him. It's as if he shot me. I yelled, "Get out!" And he did not even try to stay. I had only been one more woman in her life, whereas for me he was the man of my life. "
