After a while, when the passion of the beginnings has given place to the routine and habits, how to make to last its couple and its feelings? And how to take stock of his relationship?
To maintain torque dynamics, certain ingredients are needed such as stability and safety, for example, which are likely to be indispensable for the relationship to last. The life of a couple also suggests a solid consensus which combines the meeting of two wills and several common interests: professional ambition, real estate projects, family life ...
And as oftentimes, life together is not easy, we have to learn to question ourselves, ask ourselves the right questions (precisely), and regularly take stock of our relationship in order to make it progress. Dr. Robert Neuburger proposes in his work, "We stop? : Make his balance of torque ", analyze the couple intelligently by answering seven questions.
Balance of the couple: do you still love your partner?
What does a loving couple mean?
Engaging in a couple relationship means for the couple in love, and in most cases, to give themselves and to invest alongside the chosen person. There are two reasons for this: the desire to create an exclusive relationship with his companion and his desire to create a common space in which the couple flourish (the "couple house").
Two key questions to ask
Are you still important to your partner?
Does your partner always count as much for you?
The conclusions to be drawn **
If you think that your partner puts your couple at the same level as their other relationships, both personal (father, mother, children, friends ...) and professional (colleagues, associates ...), you suffer from the importance entourage takes in his life to your detriment. But if, on the contrary, you have the impression that your half privileges you in his relations and puts you on a pedestal, it is that you probably invest too much in your couple.
If you can easily substitute a friend or a close friend (confidences, exits, telephone conversations ...), it is because he (she) does not count as much in your life. If, on the contrary, your partner is your best friend, you form a fusional couple, you do all or almost all together and a few days of separation undermines you, you are very close. Even sometimes too much. Know then to find the right balance!
The couple's assessment: why are you a couple?
What it means to be in a couple
The couple who form a team has a strong bond of attachment to the "couple house". This translates into signs of solidarity and mutual aid. Affiliation to the couple thus imposes a solidarity with regard to responsibilities and commitments made jointly with the outside world. The couple form a team where everyone is a partner. The role of the partner and his / her belonging to the couple thus define a part of his / her social identity.
Two key questions to ask
How would your partner react if you told her that you had decided to leave her?
Is it you, as a person, that you would miss him? Or is it the life of a couple, with its material advantages or its identity?
The conclusions to be drawn
If your partner is indifferent to a possible breakdown or little concerned about the future of your couple, it is because its belonging is only relative to the duo you form. If on the contrary, you feel that his personal balance is linked to that of your couple, it is rather good sign. He is attached and rather invested.
If you believe that your partner is interested only in material comfort or emotional and sexual security, it is because your couple is forced to disappear, at least symbolically. If, on the contrary, you are assured that he loves you and your personal qualities, that he shows you, is that your couple has a solid foundation. Know how to preserve your belonging to the couple!
How do you communicate in your couple?
What does communication in the couple mean?
A failing communication in the couple often leads to misunderstandings, which sometimes lead to impasse, falsehood and a lack of confidence in the other. Dr. Neuburger defines two categories of communication in this area. Digital communication that expresses itself through words and phrases that convey the meaning of what one means. And the analogical communication that would rather be the reflection of the emotions (the tone of the voice, the gestures, the look ...) and the language of the feelings. According to Dr. Neuburger, women would pay more attention to behaviors and men would focus more on the strength of words.
Two key questions to ask
Are you satisfied with the communication in your couple?
Do you feel that you understand your partner and be understood by him or her?
The conclusions to be drawn
If you are satisfied with the communication between you and your partner, it is that you are the lucky members of a couple that agrees. These couples know how to read in the mind of their half and thus distinguish the truth from the false semblant in the behavior of the other. They are considered formidable in their external communication (in the presence of others). If, on the contrary, you think that the incomprehension reigns within your relation, it is that you are a couple that does not get along. The disagreement is that one member favors one communication more than the other. Or that one of the two partners isolates himself in his mode of language (analog or digital). So you are confronted with a communication impasse.
If you think you are on the same wavelength as your companion and the misunderstandings between you are more the exception than the rule, it is that you have a calm and rather effective communication. This does not mean that your couple problems are non-existent. On the contrary, if you feel a certain distance in your relationships and that talking to the other becomes almost mission impossible. It is that the problem of communication is there. While communication in the couple should be essential, because it shapes your common decision-making (life projects, sexual practices, financial investment, founding a family ...), you can not even talk about fear to crush it or to be misunderstood by it. Without communication, there is no more reason for the couple.
Why stay with a couple?
What it means to stay in a couple
In the couple, each gives up a life of bachelor where he / she was free to decide for him / her in the first person. Dual life introduces the "we" that becomes a reality in its own right. Everyone has their reasons for being a couple. A common project, the desire to land, build ...
Two key questions to ask
What are your reasons for staying with a couple?
Do you feel that you have abandoned personal projects to preserve your couple?
The conclusions to be drawn
If you are a couple for material and emotional security, it is that you are looking above all at your partner: a spirit of solidarity, moral support, and a common (advantageous) financial situation. If it is access to a certain social recognition that interests you, it is that you conceive the couple as a group of belonging that broadens your circle of friends and more broadly your social and professional networks. On the other hand, if you are a couple to carry out projects as personal as collective (to found a family, to travel, to build a house, to engage politically), it is because you do not see yourself building an "empire" / the one you love by your side.
If you feel you are accomplished and happy in the couple you are training and your aspirations (most of them) are nurtured by your partner's support, it is that you are serene in your decision to stay in a relationship with. On the other hand, if you blame your couple (your children) for having been an obstacle in your career and you regret your journey, you will have to revise your motivations to be a couple. Know to assume your commitments!
What type of privacy do you share with your partner?
What does intimacy in the couple mean?
Intimacy is defined as having common practices in a couple: intellectual activities, sexual practices, sports, common political or religious opinions ... It also presupposes a sharing of time and space , household chores, a determined use of the couple's money ....
In a couple, there is the idea that one "belongs" with a requirement of fidelity to the key. " Making a couple means creating a shared space of intimacy ," says Dr. Neuburger. A couple creates a territory where everyone abandons. The personal intimacy of each partner also exists within the couple (body hygiene, secret garden, fantasies, intimate caresses ...).
Two key questions to ask
a.Your couple has sufficient external contacts (friendly, family ...)?
b.How do you preserve intimacy in your couple?
The conclusions to be drawn
If you are a couple a little too inward-looking and you perceive your privacy as a fortress, you are likely to jeopardize your relationship. The couple form a group that needs contact with other groups. Isolating your couple to preserve it is not a solution. If, on the contrary, you know how to balance your moments of intimacy with moments between friends, colleagues ... Your social life will be richer.
If you allow your entourage to interfere in your relationship as a couple, this can give rise to disputes . But if, on the contrary, you make the difference between what belongs to your intimacy as a couple and your other relationships, you know how to preserve the hearts of those who love you and prioritize what must be. Know how to protect your privacy without locking yourself in!
What are your couple's values?
What it means to have values in the couple
As partners of a couple, you are part of a whole, a small group, but supposedly solidary: the "couple house". You share common standards that form the basis of your relationship. The norms of the couple echo common values, ideals and a psychology of their own. They define how you form a "good" couple or not. Social, spiritual or sexual, these norms can concern both the education of children, dress codes or the sharing of household tasks.
Two key questions to ask
What are the rules (rules) in your couple?
What is your position on these rules and how they are respected?
The conclusions to be drawn
If the values of your couple revolve around the couple, children and loyalty, this means that you have the family sense. If your values are related to love and culture, you are more like an intellectual in the soul and an individualist ... Among the values of the couple, we also find: respect , eroticism, generosity, morality, sensuality ...
If you only give importance to the values of your couple and you respect them only when they arrange you or to please the other, it is because you do not adhere totally. On the other hand, if you work to make spousal bites to your spouse about these values when your couple is undermined, it is because they are the fundamental foundation of your relationship. Be sure to respect your couple's values!
Can your couple evolve?
What it means to ... evolve in the couple
The couple that lasts needs to adapt to the phases that it crosses like: the career evolution, the desire of child, the move, the purchase of real estate, health problems .... The partners must be creative in finding original solutions that can help address the conflicts inherent in the relationship. To evolve is to take into account the problems of the couple, in order to better overcome them together.
Two key questions to ask
How do you see your couple after several years?
Are you stagnating, reinventing yourself or adapting yourself?
The conclusions to be drawn
If you feel that you still share common passions and maintain the sacred fire of your couple and your commitment, it is because you have evolved your story to keep it afloat. But, on the contrary, if you feel that your couple is at the end of their history and you do not know how to adapt to the events that the couple is experiencing (birth of children, cohabitation, career change, deception ...) 'is that either you no longer want to compromise, or that your partner and yourself need to find better compromise methods.
If you feel that the routine takes place in the couple, there are several ways to get out of it: take your distance to relax and relax (sabbaticals, temporary geographical separations), strengthen the couple's ties ( revisit the history of the couple by visiting evocative places), revive the flame of passion (rendezvous incongruous rascals, erotic scenarios, aphrodisiacs ...). You can also embark on a project of writing together or have charitable activities ... Several horizons are evolving to you to make evolve your couple. Know how to evolve or start from scratch!
Coupling: failure or success?
The failure of the couple turns out to be a fear for each partner. But this fear must not lead to the desire to save the couple at any cost.
Consulting a therapist when this is no longer the case can be a first step in understanding the source of the couple's problems. Golden prison for some or blossoming for others, the couple must constantly question.