This is going to be an incredibly raw and honest post, for me... and to anyone else that is willing to entertain this. I've had a series of realizations over the past few days after finding myself in metric fuckton of negative situations. I'm more than scared right now but I feel alive and am equally excited for what the future can hold.
After learning that I was willing to power down and withdraw my crypto, my roommate decided that we weren't going to move anymore. He didn't want me to struggle to make him happier. I'm far from a saint, selfishly willing to give up on Steemit, everyone and everything I had once cared about. I almost threw everything away.
I will never go a day without being grateful for the caliber of friends I 'm blessed to have.
I spent the past several days laying in bed and moping about my life being in shambles, hating myself more than ever. Being weak, and unable to improve anything in my life that I lost my faith. From my narrow view, my life was falling apart all around me.
It wasn't until I was staring at my power down today, that I realized that having additional funds would be nice, but not worth losing my dreams over. I had spent enough time alone to question myself and my life.
This is My Truth
I think it makes sense to start with this. I'm really scared of people, all the time.
I've been abused and hurt in ways that I don't feel comfortable in mentioning in detail.
I'm also aware of my obsessive and emotional behavior, and how I can and have easily given my life to things that only destroyed me in the end. Because of this, I'm extra cautious of how much time, depth, and attention I give something, for it easily becomes my world. If something matters enough to someone else, I engross myself and mistake another person's wishes as my own desire.
I have completely lost myself before, and I end up being the complete naive fool. I want to be myself and live without being scared everyday.
I eventually pull back out of being scared. Becoming unable to deepen bonds and express myself. I don't know what to say, or if what I will say or do will hurt someone else, and I want to say I'm okay when someone asks me and really mean it. I don't mean for people to hate or dislike me, but other's opinions shouldn't outweigh the ones I have of myself.
I CHALLENGE MYSELF TO OPEN UP
And take more chances, talk more to others, and not live isolated anymore. I came to this conclusion because of Steemit. When I was really down these past several days, people reached out to me.
People I've never met in my life, showed me so much love and compassion, that I couldn't believe that this is how dumb, and how depressed I was being in the face of people that care about me. I've been incredibly selfish.
I literally don't know what the fuck I'm doing, I barely have a grasp of who I am as well. BUT, being a part of a community where people lift others up... It lifted me up too. I don't even know where to start, except that I am going to be on Steemit more and talk more.
My Plan
Is to work on myself and use Steemit everyday, and embrace all of the sincerity, and love there is here and not take it for granted. I DON'T CARE IF I FAIL, AS LONG AS I TRY. I am going to speak and interact without fear of the future or preconcieved notions of the past. I want to not hold back anymore, and fail a lot and learn a lot wihtout being in a sheet of bubble wrapped safety.
I don't know what I'll write, but it will be anything but sad. I AM DONE BEING SAD.
I don't have the words, but I appreciate the love, people, understanding, expression, and learning that I couldn't find anywhere else. I need to be vulnerable to grow as a person. I have no reason to believe in myself besides that I want to believe in myself.
Thank you.
/rant to my head