I arrived for the first time at a Yule festival. The high priest of the coven told me that he could sense my fear as I drove up the drive-way. The festival started with the normal socializing. Then we went into ritual and as we worked magick, I felt something more powerful than what I did on my own. As the festival ended and it was time for feasting (a term for eating after ritual to ground), the high priest asked why I was shielding (a process of defense, for protection). I wasn't even aware that I was doing it but because of this he wasn't sure if I could be trusted. After attending festivals and being invited to open coven rituals, I eventually dropped my shield and was accepted into the coven. It was required that I attended for a year and a day before I could be initiated into my first degree.
The night of my first degree initiation I felt as though I were poisoned. After drinking for the chalice, it grew harder to breath and I could barely stand but continued on with the ritual. I felt chilled as the sweat beads poured down my body. There I was, totally naked, being bound with cords around my ankles, knees and wrists. Something happened, which at the time I could not explain. Halfway through the pathworking (kind of a hypnosis session where you meet the goddess), symbols were given to me from the goddess. I had to leave the circle as I felt ill and delirious. To this day I cannot remember the oaths I took. A measure, or cord was used to measure my body and then was wrapped around a piece of cardboard, sealed with wax and signed with my blood in case I caused any harm to the coven. Just after the ritual, I was rushed to hospital by two coven members and immediately put on an IV drip. The doctor told me that I was just in time and was about to convulse due to dehydration. I stayed in the hospital for a few hours and was eventually released to return back to the coven. I was now an initiated witch.
I was stripped of my old identity and given an new one. I did all I could to please the gods and became infatuated with the high priestess and the elders. Their knowledge was extensive and I longed to have what they had. I tried bisexuality and had a seriously intense romance with a woman until the relationship ended because deep inside of me, I know I was not that was inclined.
Our minds were brainwashed by many pathworkings (hypnosis) in meeting "the goddess:. She would direct our paths and rule our lives. During spell workings, I created a "servitor" or in reality summoned a demon who would be my spirit guide and servant. Being infatuated by the colour blue, I named it Blue. He was gigantic and powerful, with enchanting blue eyes. He donned a long blue cloak and carried a huge staff with a blue crystal on the top. He often spoke to me and told me things about people. He became my best friend I began reading peoples auras. These, in pagan terms are the energy fields around a person which determines things about them, also called the spirit-man. During ritual, my coven would often raise energy (cone of power) by drumming or chanting. I was chosen to enact Persephone, the goddess who descends into the underworld and marries the horned god. There was nothing more fulfilling for me as I felt as though she and I had become one.
I had power now and my spells were working In the coven we had to study a lot. Most of our time was consumed by classes and only one third of our time was devoted to the ritual itself. We had to read and write reviews for twelve occultic books per year. The high priestess led the classes and taught us things which included wicca 1010, reiki, chakras, runes, tarot, male and female mysteries, etc.
Wicca had become tame, and the married man I was involved with and I decided to go searching for more power, excitement and darkness. He took me to a meeting where many strange people were. Topics that were discussed were polygamy and the benefits there of and of course, Gnosis. I realized at this meeting that I wanted to be with these people and be more involved in "higher magick". After attending a few meetings, we were invited to the "leaders" house.
We were taken to the ritual room and upon the altar was a skull of a goat, a chalice which contained blood and various other magickal tools. We were told to sit down in a circle and meditate. After about fifteen minutes, a loud bang literally made us jump. We were told that fear raises energy. It was explained how different this was from wicca. The first ritual we would have to attend was called "The Eight Gates" in reference to the gates to hell. This ritual would be performed at the next meeting at his house.
We were taken to the front of his house where we were entertained with drinks. He brought out various books of satanic pictures and body mutilations. He then brought out a stack of cards, much like tarot cards only they had sexual perverted images on them. He told us to take a card and was able to discern where we were in our spiritual walk. I asked to see the cards as one would have to look very closely at the images to make them out. He then showed us a card of his membership to the OTO (Order of Oriental Templars) which made me very excited. That night, I could not stop thinking about and couldn't wait until the next meeting.
Been a Christian for 10 years now, after my life went so down that I tried to take my life. So happy I made this choice. I truly hope that many others will too!