How I Stopped My Crackhead Neighbor From Stealing Shit Off My Porch.
We use to live in a great neighborhood, but as the older generation packed up their shit and moved to Florida, Ca or the Graveyard out of Hwy 62, One asshole neighbor started buying up houses. The slum lord living two doors down bought three houses on the block and instead of flipping them, he took advantage of HUD’s steady monthly payments and moved in anyone that would sign up for HUD. Over the last few years, his rentals keep getting worse and worse and worse. I guess the damn things still qualify for fucking HUD, but they look like dilapidated pieces of shit now.
First round of renters started off ok, lower income family here and there but descent people. As the houses fell further to the wayside, the renters started to change. I wrote about the crackhead at the end of the block the other night. The shit is better than cable, last night he was running up and down the road cussing a fucking shadow until it got so bad, the other crackhead across the street called the fucking cops on him. Of course when a crackhead calls the police on another crackhead, their ass hides in the house. I sat on the porch watching this dipshit ducking up and down at his front window, peeking out from behind the blind, watching for the cops. The cops pull up, and Overdose Odie, takes off in a dead run to his house, gets to the front door, runs inside and slams the door. The crackhead across the road must not realize that when it’s dark outside and you have every light on in the house, you can see in easily....he musta had a fucking panic attack, he would sneak up to the window, crack the blind and then pull the fucking thing back further with head head in the window, see the cops and drop to the ground like the repo man was knocking at the door. The cops are stopped in the street yelling at ol Overdose Odie to stop and his fat ass is trucking towards the door.
The local cop couldn’t get Overdose Odie to come to the door and ten mins later, the State Police showed up. To make a long story short, Odie never did come to the door and the Crackhead across the street musta freaked the fuck out, because for the first time in a month, he turned out the lights in his house (but we all know his sketchy ass didn’t go to bed).
Now I promised to tell you how I stopped the thieving fucking crackhead across the street from stealing shit off my porch, but I wanted to set the stage for the shape of this motherfucking neighborhood. Don’t get me wrong, Overdose Odie is crazy as hell and often fights with inanimate objects like mailboxes, light post, and the random soda machine, but he is more entertainment than threatening.
The crackhead that lives across the street is a piece of shit. This fucker hasn’t had water for months and I’m not sure how the hell you do that when HUD is paying your rent, but none the less it started with his cracked out ass coming on to my side porch and stealing water from the faucet at night. I work outdoors and it gets hot in the south, so I go through a lot of bottled water and Gatorade. I caught Gatorade on sale at the Dollar Store and the shit was like 50 cents a bottle, I’d been paying 5 dollars for three of the same size at our local gas station. I decide to save some money and buy a fucking truck bed full. I get home with the Gatorade and realize that there is no fucking way the shit is going to fit in the pantry, so I took it out to the side porch and stacked it in the back against the house. Shit has been stolen several times off the porch, fishing pole, a couple of those fold out camping chairs, bucket with car cleaning stuff in it, just random shit. I thought about it when I put it out there, but convinced myself that it would have to be a fucking idiot to come steal Gatorade, who would risk getting shot over a fucking Gatorade, right?
Day one, getting ready for work and I load my cooler, notice that 2 of my Gatorade are gone. There are kids in the neighborhood and I thought, maybe one of the kids got thirsty and knew that I wouldn’t mind, it’s just Gatorade. Day two, I go outside to load my cooler and 3 more Gatorade are gone, well motherfucker. Day three, load my cooler, 2 or 3 more fucking Gatorade gone and they are taking my favorite fucking color, the lemon-lime.
This shit goes on for a week and around day six I see the kids in the neighborhood walking past my house with fishing poles heading to the river. I called them over and ask if they wanted a bottle of water or Gatorade and then ask nicely if they had took any and assured them that I didn’t mind, but I was trying to figure out if someone was taking them or if they were drinking them while I was at work. They all said they didn’t touch them and I assured them that I didn’t mind, but I thought it was the same thief that stole other random stuff, told them if they ever needed a drink, just knock and let me know. Told them that I’d get them a cold one from the fridge instead of a hot one, but to please just knock because I was trying to figure out who it was.
This shit goes on for another fucking week, now I bought about 150 fucking bottles and my stash is going quickly. I finally decide that I’m going to Walmart to get a damn security camera and since they keep helping themselves daily, I’m gonna catch the fucker on video.
I buy a wifi camera, a memory card and pay for cloud service to record as well...determined to figure this shit out. I hide the camera in a birdhouse and point the lens right out the hole in the front. The camera charges and last for about 8 hours, I wanted to be damn sure I caught the perp, so I add a high power battery bank inside the birdhouse and plug that into the camera as well, giving me about 18 hours of monitoring with no visible cords or mounts....nanny cam type shit.
First motherfucking day this camera is out, I catch the asshole of film. I have plain video of the crackhead that lives across the street coming over to my house in the middle of the night. This sketchy motherfucker is packing a 2 liter bottle, twitching and ducking, as he makes his way to my side porch. I’m seeing him walk up and I’m like “what the fuck is he doing with a damn 2 liter”, but he quickly showed me as he stole water from the outside spout. He sits the 2 liter down and then Ol twitchy looks around as he sneaks further up on my porch making his way back to my Gatorade. Once he has made it back to the back, he acts like he is just shopping at the store, looking around like he is at the damn 7 Eleven and it’s perfectly normal. He makes his choices and takes 3 bottles back with him, stumbles as he leaves the porch and drops one as he picked up his 2 liter. He manages them back across the street and disappeared from my camera’s view.
I wake up the next morning and go to load my cooler, notice more are missing and I pull the camera and remove the card. I log onto the cloud service as I’m driving to work and bingo, I have this fuck-face crackhead on video. The police office is on my way to work, so I pull in and one of the officers I know pretty well is walking to his car. I show him the video and I ask him what I needed to do next to press charges or to stop this crackhead from stealing my shit. The cop laughs and he says that because it was of so little value, the courts probably wouldn’t even look at it. He then tells me that if I’m in fear of my life, I could catch him on the porch and shoot him, that would stop him from stealing your shit. He then said if I catch him stealing something of value on cam, to let him know and he would arrest him....wtf?
I thought about this and thought about it and the more I thought about it, the more pissed off I got. I really considered shooting this fucker if I caught him on my porch again, but damn if I wanna live with the thought of taking someone’s life over a damn bottle of Gatorade. Finally I came to the realization that these fucking drinks were mine and on my property and I could do whatever the fuck I wanted to do with them, they were mine.
When I got home that night, I took every green Gatorade I had downstairs and I pulled out my drill, grabbed my own empty 2 liter and started a project. I turned the Gatorade over, drilled a small hole in the bottom of them and pulled out a huge syringe full (one of those meat injectors that you inject liquids into meat when you’re cooking) of the bright yellow Gatorade. I spent the next few hours drinking bottle water bottle of water, pissing in a 5 gallon bucket. I then used my big juice injector of a syringe to refill the missing Gatorade with a healthy serving of piss. Once I had the bottles restored to their original levels (about 30 bottles) I got the hot glue gun out and put just a dab of hot glue over the tiny hole and used a piece of wax paper to press the glue flat to the bottom of the bottle...seal wasn’t broke on the top and the bottom looked perfect, like it had never been touched.
I knew this twitchy motherfucker liked the lemon-lime so it was the only ones I filled, I also knew I didn’t want any kids to get ahold of this concoction so I only put one lemon-lime out a night. For the next month, I caught video and still pics nightly of him coming over and stealing the piss-filled Gatorade. I thought after the first bottle that I would have fixed this fucker from stealing, like he would have drank it and knew it tasted like fucking piss. I wanted him to know I pissed in it but not know that I knew it was him that was stealing. You’d think someone would know if you pissed a bottle half full, but nope, night after night until he exhausted all my damn Lemon-Lime.
Finally, enough was enough, this dumb ass is just costing me more money and was too fucking cracked out to realize he had been drinking my piss for a month. I compiled all the video and then made a mosaic of all the still pics. I loaded what was left of my Gatorade into the trunk of my car, there wasn’t that many at this point and I sat down at my computer.
I publicly posted the story on my Facebook and then loaded all my security cam video and still shots onto my Facebook page. We live in a small town, news traveled a LOT faster than I thought it would. This shit went live on my Facebook at around midnight and at 7 am the next morning, I walk into the gas station and EVERYONE was talking about it. As I come in to the store, people start pointing and laughing, cheering me on and telling me about all the shit that they have had stolen. My neighbor hasn’t said a word to me since, he shoots me dirty looks and I just smile like I don’t know what the fuck is going on.
NOT ONE FUCKING THING SINCE HAS GONE MISSING FROM MY PORCH SINCE. Sometimes when you’re dealing with a fucking idiot, you gotta get down and do some stupid shit yourself. Not a big advocate even now of what I did, but at the same time, that crack headed sketchy, thieving motherfucker has not been back creeping around my house. Everyone in town knows he stole the shit and they all know he drank my piss for a month. He’ll think twice before sneaking up on someone’s porch again to steal shit and as a bonus, my fucking water bill went down.