Here in the United States, we tried to ban alcohol. We lost to a bunch of crazies and now hundreds of thousands die annually from alcohol. We upgraded the firmware with Prohibition 2.0 making multiple plants, mushrooms, and chemicals that exist naturally all around us completely illegal.

Due to these safety precautions, we have been able to safely remove millions of dangerous people consuming plants that we don't like. But I look around and I see all sorts of things that we need to ban now! Do we want to be safe? Do we want our children to be safe!? Think of the children!!!

Here are my top five that simply can't wait!

Bleach

This household cleaner gets the job done...if you're trying to kill someone! A few cap-fulls of this stuff in your Bleached White Russian will literally end your life. Fortunately, I was able to see a warning label. This kept me pretty safe...I guess. But what if I spoke one of the other hundreds of languages on this planet and maybe just assumed it was some flashy advertising for the drink enhancing product of my life? Why are we even risking it, people?!?!

Chainsaws

Has anyone ever seen a horror movie before? Do I even need to describe the gore that these things are capable of? What the hell do we even use these things for anyways!? What is this the 1800's? Oh, let me just chop down a tree, because I need some wood. Wood?! We use plastic and metal now, and don't kill people for fun. Get it together!

Sharks

Speaking of horror movies, I saw JAWS again the other day. And let me tell you, I was terrified! How can we let these beasts of the seas continue to hunt us down? I know if I see a shark, I'm going to call a police officer to kill it, because if you "see something, say something"! But we can do more. I'm talking early extinction time! Think about it!

Swimming

In a matter of fact? Why are WE even swimming around anyways? I know I don't want to drown. I say $200 fines for anyone caught swimming is about the right amount of safety. Of course, we'd also have to make bathtubs illegal, but who uses one of those anyways? You're only one slip away from the grim reaper greeting you in a pool of your final moment of misery. Oh, and don't even think about hot tubs. Increased heart rate after prolonged periods...hmmm, sounds like an impending heart attack! Great idea, you fool!

Vehicles of Every Kind

You know what kills a lot more people than bleach, sharks, and everything else? And guess what? Practically everyone uses these things every day! I'm talking about cars, planes, and automatic death sentences. Ever heard of a plane crash? Yea, people die in those things all the time! Don't even get me started on trains! Can we just stop the insanity and walk a little more!! I mean children ride in those things. Children!!!

Get serious about Prohibition 3.0 and let's hard fork away from freedom!

@derekareith

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