Looking back now, it was obvious to Dave how badly he’d fucked up... there was no point in even trying to deny it anymore, that stage had passed, so too had the anger and depression stage, now, now it was just plain old head in your hands embarrassing...
Constantly being asked by his nephew why he had a fidget spinner tattooed on his arm was the least of Dave's worries right now, more pressing was the ridiculously large debt that he had racked up in perusing a dream of untold riches, a garage full of lambos, and freedom from his job at McDonald’s!
You see, Dave had got into crypto late in 2017, jumping on board the bitcoin express to financial freedom by dumping a shitload of money into a newly created Coinbase account via his credit card. It wasn’t much to start off with but when the bitcoin prices kept rising, so too did Dave's bitcoin purchases, very quickly maxing out his credit cards and then simply borrowing more from wherever he could get it.
The new year roles in and Dave is sitting on a pretty penny in terms of his dollar value holding of bitcoin and alts... it was so easy, nothing to it, just keep buying more as the price is never going to stop, lambo territory just around the corner... Dave had fucking nailed it, Crypto Dave was born.... but, what then followed in the coming months was so monumentally fucking stupid/unfair/ridiculous/unjust (I will let you take your pick) that they might need to get a picture of Crypto Dave and put it next to the word stupid in the dictionary.
January - genius level
Handing his notice in at MacDonald’s first week into the new year Dave strutted out from under the big golden arches with a smug look on his face... he’d told Brian - his boss - to go fuck himself up the arse with a Big Mac. No more flipping burgers for Dave....
The crypto life was easy, Dave couldn’t understand why more people weren’t doing it, all you had to do was buy some bitcoin and then watch the price go up. Buying alts with your bitcoin was child’s play, and Dave had several heavy bags of grade A alts already by now, slowly adding to them whenever the price dipped a bit.... Neo was a firm favourite of Daves not only because you earned another alt just for holding it, but because the thing was going to be worth around $1000 minimum guaranteed by the end of the year, absolute no brainer, it was so obvious ...Chinese Ethereum, Crypto Dave nails it again...
Unfazed by some dips in bitcoin price Dave keeps buying more bargain priced alts. Yeah they might be at all time new highs but this was only the beginning, by the end of the year they will be worth an easy 5x, and in a few years...well let’s just say that Crypto Dave was getting all set for an early retirement, genius level activated.
February - bears
Feb comes around and things are really starting to take a turn for the worse, bitcoin price continues on from late Jan trend and really drops hard, and people are in disbelief. Dave starts to panic and sells some of his bitcoin at around 6.5k because he doesn’t want to lose all his money! No sooner has Dave sold some of his bitcoin the price then starts to rise again the following few days. Waiting to see what happens Dave holds on for confirmation that the bull run is back on before buying back in.
Soon enough nearing 9k Dave is satisfied that things are back on track and buys back the amount of bitcoin he had sold only a few days earlier...
Over 9k and alts are still looking tasty, so CryptoDave adds more Neo and now ICX (loving that Korean crypto), plus the Lion and Whale on Twitter are going all in, their charts look so sexy, Dave just can't deny the fact that this is going to make him very very rich!!!
March - just a bit of a correction yeah
Not fazed in the slightest by the drop in Bitcoin price, and actually taking some time out from looking at the charts, Dave decides to do some shopping... well what's the point in all this money if you don't spend it right? no need to worry about the price drop this time, it will bounce back in a few days, plus Twitter told Dave not to worry, 33k by July was pretty much guaranteed. Mid March and Dave is slowly starting to pay attention again, some doubt creeping in to his mind, his resolve being tested a bit, but that was soon squashed by the enjoyment Dave was getting from his new car... not quite a lambo yet, but a nice little GTI, plenty of fun for now....
Towards the end of March though, Dave can't take it any longer, a gut feeling has him second guessing everyone on Twitter and in his paid discord group, he just had to sell some corn in case it went down to nothing from here, he just had to!
April - Altseason baby
Funnily enough, yet again, as soon as Dave had sold some bitcoin the price started to turn around again... some dead rock singer on Twitter had called it, and here it was, fucking altseason baby!!! Rockets and moons plastered all over Twitter, charts showing bullish shapes, everyone happy, everyone gonna be rich... time to stack up on some more grade fucking A alts yeah, Strat, Wanchain, Aion, Wabi, more Neo and ICX, fuck, so many to buy, not enough money to buy them all.
April progresses and things are all set for 33k July, to say Dave is getting excited is an understatement, he's already picking out colours for his Lambo...
Micro caps - always wanting to increase his portfolio (as you can never have too many altcoins can you?!?) Dave starts getting wind of these really low cap coins on exchanges that no one has ever heard of... IDEX, that's the new exchange, GEM CITY, stock up mate, moon mission on most alts listed, no one knows about them but you and a few others on Twitter... again, fucking GENIUS!
May - heavy bags
Addicted now to microcaps as well as Alts, Crypto Dave is like an alt vacuum cleaner, sucking them up wherever he can, sucking hardest on the dirtiest, shittiest exchanges he could find... Peepcoin, what a find, only a few sats, yes please, i'll have a few grands worth of that little fucker, swapping to Dapps soon and that is going to be bigger than Verge, why the fuck wouldn't you!? This shit was so easy, fuck the stock market, fuck ever working again, why wasn't everyone trading Crypto?
June - reeeeeeee
Peepcoin exit scam dump... cunts, mother fuckers, Crypto Dave was sick to the pit of his stomach, this was not supposed to happen, the promise of at least 50 sat Dapps upon the swap was a given, how had this happened, what had happened, who could let this happen, Dave quickly went to Twitter for more advice...
Typing in the cashtag for peepcoin, he can see that there is some news from the peepcoin twitter account, apparently the Dapps swap is being cancelled, something about it not being fair on everyone due to some old dev holding too much peepcoin and getting filthy rich off the recent run... MOTHER FUCKERS, how could they, surely there was some sort of contract they had signed with Dapps that meant they couldn't do this, surely the police would get involved, the FBI, someone had to sort this out...
July - hopium
Still reeling from the peepcoin scam last month, Dave decided to go hard on his grade A alts, Neo especially would get some extra attention now that he had a nice fresh tatt done on his neck of that sick little green Neo cube logo. Showing true dedication to Neo, Dave topped up his ledger with more Neo than he should have done, some might say he was putting all his eggs in one basket, but Dave just kept thinking of the guaranteed 5x this Chinese Ethereum was going to make him this year, and the early retirement it would bring. Being a top 10 coin also guaranteed this coins reputation, unlike one of those scammy shitcoins like peepcoin, no, Neo was quality, grade A alt with Ledger support, this coin was going no where but up in value.
Sure enough, a pump, Dave was loving it, he knew Neo wouldn't let him down, his dedication and support to the project was being paid off. Buying even more with anything he had left, because this was the pump that was going 5x, Dave topped up his Ledger with more and more Neo....
End of July and Neo starts dipping, then dropping, then falling off a cliff... Dave just sits there staring at the charts, not quite believing the facts staring at him in the face, feeling deceived and cheated, let down, lied to, double crossed, but at the same time, unable to open his Ledger and transfer all his precious Neo to Binance to sell, well how could he, he spent so much money on it, and look at all the Gas he was still earning... maybe he would just hold it for a little bit longer, maybe he would just hold it for 10 years and try to forget about the price today, maybe, just maybe, maybe, maybe..........
August - the smell of burgers
Something called the ETF hit the news and brought hope to the crypto world for Bitcoin regulation and no more whale dumping/pumping, but then it got delayed, then it was back on, then it got delayed again, and then people got sad/scared/upset and decided Bitcoin would die, so they sold all they had and cried in the corner of their rooms. Not Dave though, he had learnt his lesson over the last few months, every time it dipped near 6k it would always go back up, he just knew it was going to go up again, he knew that now was the time the bull would return and 20k would be broken.
Dipping below 7k again, Dave was on edge, he couldn't sit by and do nothing any more, all his altcoins combined that he had left would only just about buy him a happy meal, so he had to take action; again looking at Twitter for advice, he found that most of the big boys were trading on BitMex... apparently you could make money from Bitcoin falling in price, who knew!!! transferring the last remaining scraps of bitcoin Dave had left, he would pick a perfect fucking entry and nail it on 100x leverage to make it all back, this was going to work, this was going to bring it all back, this was going to.........................
Car sold, out of money, and no longer calling himself Crypto Dave, he slowly opened the door in front of him and walked in to the familiar smell of burger fat, kids screaming, and Brian his boss standing behind the counter with a grin on his face and a McDonalds uniform in his arms....
"Mummy, why has that man drawn a fidget spinner on his arm!?!"
REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
