As a teenager, I had my nose buried in many volumes of The Forsyte Saga, which was not really started as a family saga at all. The first book, The Man of Property, written in 1906, was probably written as a passionate plea for the end of stifling traditions in marriage and easier legal divorces in England and elsewhere. However, once the floodgates were opened and divorces became rather easily obtained, couples seemed to be divorcing too much for the comfort of many and Galsworthy revisited his story, making the monster husband of his book into a rather cuddly old curmudgeon. When considering the present day problems of divorce, we cannot forget the issues that preceded them. For much of human history, marriage has not been a good deal for women and perhaps the dominant culture has really dispensed with it as an institution in its heart. This does not, however, mean that the dominant culture is correct.
Reading Cosmopolitan and also self-help books directed at women at Barnes and Noble, I am feeling a bit confused by the endless stream of advice. On one hand, I am told to find his “hot spots” and on the other hand I am told that I don’t really need a man and if he is causing me any grief that I should drop the loser like a hot potato. Some of the articles seem like good common sense, but I have never really followed any of the advice and have been happily married for ten years. For me, spending time with my husband is easy and the rest of life seems hard. It seems that many people find themselves in quite the reverse of my situation.
Sometimes I feel like I am living in a foreign culture. The ideal person of this culture is much more independent, much more responsible, and much more particular about people than I could ever hope or wish to be. I often feel disappointed that others are not more altruistic, and I hope I can just learn to hope for the best and accept people as they are. I have no idea why someone would marry and divorce multiple times, but I do not condemn them.
At its best, marriage elevates human mating and parenting into strong institutions that serve as building blocks of community. Our modern culture has focused more on profits and corporations and has not much need of marriage and no need to encourage more children in a world of seven billion. Strong marriages and families might even interfere with demands of work. Movies and television often portray spouses keeping secrets from each other; friends and family are the confidants, not the spouse. Adultery or cheating during an engagement are often presented not as betrayals, but alternate styles of courtship in movies such as “The Wedding Planner,” “The Hangover,” and “Made of Honor.”
It seems a sea change in matrimony has occurred and we all need to culturally adjust to the new normal, or at least, quietly practice fidelity.