Before you move into a new home, you need to ask yourself one question: Are there dead people here who want to destroy my sh*t?Hunting ghosts was once the province of experts and moron football players in R.L. Stine novels. Now, thanks to an explosion of paranormal shows and app developers eager to capitalize on the craze, there are a wide range of affordable ghost-hunting apps downloadable for your iPhone.SEE ALSO: Here are all the deportable offenses Trump's crappy children have committedMany of these apps are painfully campy and crammed with ads. It's ghost hunting for folks who hate learning new terminology, but really want to get likes on their Instagram story (raises hand).Others, at least, have the appearance of professionalism, and use real vocabulary that paranormal investigators who aren't just your random bored friends might use.Here's a look at just a few.
1. iEMF+
Profesh.IMAGE: SCREENSHOT/IEMF
iEMF+ is a solid app for the beginner. Like many other ghost hunting apps, it detects electromagnetic fields and gives you an estimate of their size. iEMF+ will measure the field's strength in different units, and allows you to account for the earth's ambient field.When I conducted a ghost hunt of Trump's childhood home, it led me to my favorite places: the kitchen and the bathroom. I therefore give this app an A+.
2. Ghost Detector Radar with Camera
Just your typical office.IMAGE: SCREENSHOT/GHOST DETECTOR RADAR WITH CAMERA
Using this app can be a huge pain in the ass. There are so many ads obstructing your way before you can get to the camera and do your very real, incredibly authentic iPhone paranormal investigation.That being said, you do get to spot actual "entities" in your midst and talk to them — for an additional $.99. It's like a phone sex line, except the person on the other end of the line is dead. Whomp whomp.Pro tip: This is a great app for wandering around the office when you're bored and informing your increasingly alienated coworkers that there's a spirit on their shoulder.
3. Ghost Detect Pro
Ghost or period stain?IMAGE: SCREENSHOT/GHOST DETECT PRO
Since I'm less of a paranormal investigator and more of a person who likes to download while drunk, I can't wholly speak to the functionality of this app. I will, however, say that it provides better visual displays of data than other apps in its genre, which matters more than you think in this irritatingly esoteric field. The app also provides a ghost photo auto-capture that allows you to better detect ghosts and record them. You can then upload the photos to Twitter and Facebook, because what's the point of ghost-hunting if you can't get some likes out of it.The ghosts will even "speak" to you, even though it's mostly garbled nonsense. FYI: this app is appropriately labeled "entertainment," even though some reviewers felt otherwise.
4. Ghost Sensor - EM4 Detector
It took me about 20 minutes to figure out how to turn it on, so.IMAGE: SCREENSHOT/GHOST SENSOR
Ghost Sensor is the ghost hunting app for dummies. It literally just features a needle that shifts to the right when it detects a strong otherworldly presence. You honestly don't even have to be able to read to use it.The app will allegedly inform you when a presence is positive or negative. Of course, it won't be able to help you destroy or communicate with that spirit, but that's what Kate McKinnon in a hot grey jumpsuit is here for.
5. Ghost Hunter M2
IMAGE: SCREENSHOT/GHOST HUNTER M2
Ghost Hunter M2 was featured on The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon, so I was automatically irritated by it. Still, it's hands down the most professional one of the bunch and boasts of being developed by real engineers.It's not the most user-friendly of the apps — I had to laboriously Google at least three words before I could use it — but it does offer the most features, including an audio detection instrument, a geoscope instrument, EMF and EVP instruments, and a luxscope. That's far more than the average ghost-hunting app provides, and at $.99, it's a real deal in the paranormal community.During my investigation into Donald Trump's childhood home, M2 was our app of choice, and it proved surprisingly consistent.Whether or not you like of any of these apps depend entirely on your belief in the paranormal and/or your level of intoxication. To be fair, I'd much rather chat with a crafty algorithm than the majority of humans.