For the 爸爸

Reminder to self:

There will be a time, even the least represented, most oppressed, most detached part of our society, reaching out to sheeps far and wide in sharing a common belief of the day where the oppressors plan is to blackmail our freedom; is the glorious day we shall defy the norm that their system have formed , we must form our own strong bond, we are to angle our psycho-Logical brain to deflect fear mongering tactics.
Be in good faith. Do unto others as you would like others do unto you. practice patience and resilience., be opened yet unrevealing, be as observant as much as possible. brainstorm solutions necessary to reach our common goal. attention to relative agreements and consider improvement ideas; retain diritatives, retrooping, fall back, plans. we must sustain the cause, any signs of compromisation to the cause, would place all of us in ‘at-risk‘ status and warnings of a flaw or breeched constituent need be alert everyone. opportunities will show itself determined by moral fiber preserves power.

if i go out and fail, and run back so he‘s right... does that make him happy? i dont think so.
if i make it out there without his help, will he be happy or will he hold a grudge still?

if i stayed and did everything he wanted, would i be successful. Is he successful, as a father?
Would i ever reach Success and feel successful? i feel like he‘s never proud of my work. i wanted his sincere approval, not anyone elses, just his. because it means alot to me. this created a void into my art, work, daily life, decision making., like a black hole that just sucks the wholesomeness part of what i do or how i think, it just leaves a blank, or imperfection, a mis- connection, the missing piece, the faint white noise, or neglected idea,... a mysterious bruised on a the food, an unnoticeable defect of an object, flaw that only a perfectionist would discriminate.... the unimportance of a human body part. something so extra but so part of the nature of whatever things may appear................... granted the existence of things that are very much important which i feel are often ignored Vice versa: he would feel that his petty issues, his self derived psychological thoughts, his misguided emotions, his ignorant state of mind, his expectations of a reward for his every doing must be met in order to ease his unnervingness., all the things along these lines he would lash out until a comply is recognized without necessary acknowledgement, praises of all forms even sarcasm would give him the sense of satisfaction, while any criticism, or even a innocent question out of curiosity would be considered offensive to him. He wants to be a know-it-all while not being able to handle not knowing it all.

he never asked me what i liked, he never wanted to find out, he never ask me for my opinion, never asked if i was doing ok. he never wanted to learn why i made certain decisions that he might disagree on or agree on. he never encouraged me when i express what i want.