Being idle is a curse and the highest form of ignorance just like getting bored. This factual story is a part of my life choices that I would like to review when I'm older. I have constantly fought the urge to write about this experience because I always wondered where to start from. Although, tonight I finally summoned the courage, I still feel a little edgy and tensed as I write about my first love. At this point, I do not want to care about the aftermath of this memoir even as it brings me to tears, because I am stating it as it is. So the story goes like this.
Normally, I don't like to travel to meet online buds but on the 10th of December 2016, I left home, left my friends at 7-8pm to go and link up with this guy I had been chatting with for years and recently got close to in October of the same year, our conversation got so intense and hence the need to meet. Well, I felt it was flings as usual but it got deeper, to the extent that we started dating the next year. At that time of my life, I was broken, frustrated, broke, lonely and at my lowest point as I had issues with my parents and myself. I wanted a lot of things which didn't materialize and eventually I tried everything distracting.
In January 2017, I finally moved in with a friend in another town after so much agitation from my parents telling me not to leave. As a teacher in a small Private school, the stipends weren't enough to keep me going but I was getting busy for the first time in my independent life and it felt like freedom; but now as I look back at that time I was just getting ready to enter the real bondage I had been avoiding for so long, "Dating". So, dating wasn't such a big deal for me because I had this idea that dating was a total waste of time and young people shouldn't get too involved with each other especially as we still have much work to do in our personal development and growth.
So, this guy would visit me in my new city and these were fun days because I really liked him and we connected so well, and at this stage basically we don't see any flaws or anything like that because of the intensity of our feelings. Overall, we had fun and enjoyed each other's company so well and everything was a blast of excitement.
As a young girl, some male friends got intimate and I wanted it that way because I didn't care for any kind of dating relationship or boyfriend. I just wanted friends with no strings attached, sometimes I hurt myself by shutting out my feelings because I didn't want any boy in my head, I only wanted myself to be what I wanted before giving attention to anyone else. Eventually, I occasionally still talked with my other male friends and even met with them when possible. I know this may seem awkward but then, life is weird. I love to enjoy my freedom and live without rules, no wonder boarding house was such a nightmare for me to the extent that I always shit my pants in JS1 first term, either to avoid labour or when I got really pressed I could not express myself well enough so I just soiled myself. From then I knew I was such a shitty person and I loved every bit of it.
With time, this my boyfriend got to know my best friend and they started working together because they lived in the same city and he was more advanced than her in the skills she wanted to acquire at the time. And then she noticed some character traits that were not so attractive, while I was busy in love. Anytime, I visit him and I'm about to leave, he goes crazy, starts acting obsessive and tries to make me stay back, which if I refused it only made him worse. At this time, I should have disappeared but I didn't. With time, he started checking my messages, chats and other details, only to find out who I'm fucking or hanging out with. Yeah, we were in a relationship but then I shit in my pants, and you still wanna be with me? Okay, I always said I wouldn't be with a man who I had cheated on because to me, it meant, I was just wasting precious time on beautiful nonsense. The relationship took a different turn entirely, although it was still exciting and loving, I couldn't settle because he was aware of my escapades and I tried to tell him did not want a dating relationship as I wasn't ready, but you know most men do not listen especially when she is not saying what they want or what their mind is fixed on. I am a shitty person and I'm living with that, I do not expect anyone to follow suit because I wouldn't want my shit straining them. As I can not write everything in detail the summary is, I loved him so much, that I did not want to keep him but he wanted to be kept, we had several conversations which turned into bitter quarrells because he failed to see my point. Eventually, we picked up the pieces and managed the relationship but I still had it at the back of my mind that I wasn't settled so history kept repeating itself; seldom this, there are things I see in him that I can not cope with. Mentioning them is useless as the most important thing is to loosen the knots and screws before it gets out of control.
This continued for the next four years; I lost count of the fights and the insults and the severally attempted breakups. I had lost my mind and one thing I really appreciate about him is that he never lifted a finger to hit me or anything like that but the emotional and verbal abuses were enough to send me away but I kept coming back. Looking back at everything now, I have learned so much about myself in these years than my entire life time. I could see and feel the effort he was putting in the relationship but I still couldn't accept what he was offering; stable relationship and resentment. Also, I imagine an alternate universe where I never made that trip to see this man, I do not regret it, I just know better. It was totally unnecessary and I am not proud of anything at all.
Honestly, I have grown to love this guy so much that I know it would hurt me too much when I stop talking to him because he became my best friend; someone I can talk to about everything and I can tell him anything. Like I stated earlier, we are deeply connected, it's going to be like an informal divorce, a separation and it would take a lot of time to heal. I just can't help it but weep till salty tears heal the wound. I really don't think it is appropriate to continue doing this to us, but I'm stuck and no one can save me not even Jesus. I am the saviour of my soul.
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