I’ve felt stuck for a long time.....as long as I can remember actually. When I was a kid I felt stuck in school and stuck in my city. After that I felt stuck at work and stuck in my routine. Then I left and I felt stuck in my financial situation, not able to go where I wanted to go and do what I wanted to do. Finally I became stuck in my health situation, without any real diagnosis or useful advice from the doctors. All along I’ve felt stuck by social normals which don’t really fit me.
I’ve had some big dreams to go back to Japan and somehow live free from the 9-5 by starting my own “business” there. Sometimes I feel in a hurry since I’m not getting any younger and it’s supposed to only get harder as you get older, plus I’d like to have a family some day so stability is something I wouldn’t mind as long as it’s not forced.
But if I don’t feel unstuck here, what makes me feel I’m going to feel unstuck over there?
life on repeat
Life has a way of throwing the same kind of challenges at you until you learn. Real happiness, like real love, is not conditional. It does not come from outside, it emanates out from the inside. “If I had that I’d be happier” “If I lived there I’d be happier”. This is not how I want to live my life. I want to be a source of inspiration to others, or at the very least create my own experience, rather than following the whims of “what happens to me”. I am not going to be a victim of my life.
So I’m taking inspiration from children and animals. They know how to play. Even in the unnatural conditions set up for them by adult humans, they still have excitement and passion and express it naturally.
I’m going to put any long term plans on the side and find a way to REALLY earn a living doing what I love and in a way that gives me full flexibility. If it takes 30 years (it won’t) and I’m too old to follow the original plan (unlikely) then so be it.
Before I think about where I want to go and what I want to do, I want to focus on feeling fulfilled, inspired and a full representation of who I am, even in my current “unfavorable” circumstances. I’ve been picking away at this for some time but it’s time to face it all head on. I got this! , I will have fun through this process!
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Confessions of the Damaged - a collection of short stories
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