October has to be the most difficult month for our family. So much has been going on that I could not comprehend, turning my life upside down, challenging my mental, emotional, and physical strength and even my faith, making me question things at times.
The frequent hospital stays, both of my parents being diagnosed with tumors (Mom's likely cancerous), and learning they cannot get further surgeries or procedures due to their advancing age had become too much for me to bear that I had just been secretly and silently drowning my pain in the bath.
I have been acting tough, taking things lightly and downplaying the situation like nothing serious is happening, even lying to my sisters about the doctors' findings and diagnosis thinking I was protecting them for they were fighting their own health battles. What a naive thing to do and who am I kidding!
But because we needed to decide what to do next, I eventually told my siblings the truth and while they were as shocked as I was before, they were a bit more composed. Tears were shed as expected but there was no drama. We have all grown up and are all good at hiding our pains I guess...
Without realizing it, I have been in denial for some time, refusing to believe things when I was sure (in my heart) that they were true. The diagnosis, the sleepless nights, and physical and emotional exhaustion have built up that two nights ago, the lid I unconsciously placed on everything popped, I broke down and cried the hardest in the Farmboy's arms. Perhaps my breaking point had been reached and I was just grateful I was home when it happened.
I am feeling better now and hopeful too. The days ahead will be more difficult and likely very challenging but I fervently pray for more strength (and some miracles) that we will get through them and cope gracefully. May the Heavens have mercy on us🙏🙏
Picture is mine. 02112024/10:10ph