Nun of Your Business
Today is mother's day and while we are supposed to be out having family-friendly brunch, I am laying here thinking about life in general. Without going into detail, I will say that today is not a good day for me. Part of my brain is not thankful. It isn't pleasant or grateful. today I am bitter. I don't want to be, but I am.
Is it So Bad that I Want to Do Nothing?
I have said this year in and year out. I just wanted to do nothing. I didn't want to cook. I didn't want to clean or work or make plans for brunch or go to the zoo or hang out with my children. Saying it out loud, let alone, typing it out, that makes me sound horrible. As it was, for years, I homeschooled my oldest son. We did things together all of the time. My ex-husband didn't do much for helping my son plan anything, so I was always left with these half-made plans or worse, promises to do things on mothers day that I would eventually get my hopes up for... then things wouldn't work out.
It was maybe my 5th year as a mom that I was like, "Can't I just do nothing?"
Dads get to do nothing on Father's day
I would see it in my family. Mom would be cooking or planning brunch for the cousins, aunts and other lady family members to have a nice meal on their day. She would hostess, which don't get me wrong... she kind of lived for. But now that she is older, I am moved away and my sister is too, the cousins have grown up and the aunts are older or have passed on. My mom has no one there on mother's day. My other mother has passed.
I take it back.
I want to do something.
Too Little Too Late
Last year, I asked my oldest if he would go with me to the zoo or something. It would be like old times, I had thought. We would have fun and take his younger brother with us and we would celebrate just the three of us, now that I was divorced. Turns out, my oldest thinks that holidays like this are crap. It's not that he doesn't love me. He says the fact that I want to do something for mother's day is insulting because I should know he loves me.
He is getting older and I miss him. Mother's day has become this day where I realize that my life has passed me by.
Because of the divorce, the disruption of the family, my youngest is in public school. That in itself makes me cringe. My ex-husband has a new girlfriend as well. Ironically, she got me a thing of flowers. I feel bad I didn't get her anything now. She also made dinner. Ugh. She is better at this than I am. I knew it!
It is just so messed up. This complicated extended family should not be my life. It is though and I need to get used to it. While I am happy that I no longer have to spend any holidays with my ex-husband, I miss my old life a lot sometimes. I miss the kids crawling in bed with us and I miss them having time for me.
I miss them. I miss being a mom and I feel cheated. I was cheated on. I didn't divorce my ex - he left me. I let that sink in each year. Each year apart, I watch my life and my family slip further and further from me. I see the dreams of the future that I was once so focused on, completely disappear. I feel as though he left me and even though he gave me everything, after feeling like a jerk for cheating... he has ultimately taken everything just the same.
Thanks to My Current Partner
This year my BF of 3 years took me out to nature, far away from exes or kids. He said I needed a day off, that is what mother's day is for. It is what I always wanted. It was nice. There were sandwiches and some of my favorite sides. Then there was saki. There was a rainstorm and a double rainbow and it was perfect.
I still miss my kids though.
I still feel empty.
I am forever grateful to him for trying.
That is all that can be done.
It just sucks even when it doesn't.