This is a condensed version of a letter that I sent to friend who was struggling with major depression disorder. Parts have been redacted to insure the privacy of this wonderful individual. This individual suggested that I give this advice out to a wider audience. This advice is not necessarily original; much of this information comes from books, speeches, and countless articles that I simply don’t have enough time to link to and track down. From fear of being called a plagiarist, please assume that none of these thoughts are my own...
Hey friendo,
I’ve noticed recently that you’ve been showing signs of depression. I hate to see other people go through the same thing that I went through for years.
I want to help you. I know we’re not the closest of friends, but I like you, I think you’re funny, and you deserve the help you need. Most of the information and advice I’m about to give you is hard to find, and you surely will not find all of it in one place.
I’m here to tell you that you can get better, but you will NOT get better if you do not act. If you simply wait for this to go away, you’ll keep on waiting until you’re forced to realize that this is not some disease your body will eventually become immune to; this is a distinct part of your personality. So in order for any of this advice to work, you must first make the conscious decision that you are going to do whatever it takes to get better.
What I’m going to give you is a set of tools; a set of tools that you can use to become a master of your own mind. This will take serious work though. It took me a long time to get where I am today. Hopefully you’ll recover more quickly than I did.
In order for you to come out of this, you really have to understand how the brain works first; that’s very important. Take some time to discover the mechanics of your own mind. Let’s do a couple of thought experiments.
One thing I want you to notice is that you rarely have any control over your own thoughts. I’m sure you hear that voice in your head that constantly tells you that you’re no good, this inner-critic. It sounds like you’re saying it to yourself, doesn’t it? But if you listen to your thoughts carefully, you’ll notice that these thoughts are really just popping into existence, seemingly from nothing.
Do me a favor. Right now, I want you to think of a state in the US………..
Probably by the time you’ve completed reading this next sentence, the name or the shape of a state has simply popped into your head. You didn’t really decide which state you wanted to think about, this state just simply appeared in your mind without any forethought. This is how MOST thoughts operate. They’re simply images and bits of language that appear in consciousness, mostly outside of your control. If you had the conscious decision to control all of your thoughts, you would have stopped this a long time ago by simply deciding to never think a bad thought again. So, don’t think that any of this is your fault; this was not your choice.
The best way to learn the mechanics of consciousness is through meditation. Meditation is simply a way to fall back into a state of merely witnessing everything that’s going on around you, of separating yourself from your thoughts and emotions, and of becoming content with the world around you. Tonight, before you fall asleep, I want you to lay down in your bed, and listen to this Guided Meditation by neuroscientist Sam Harris. This will help to create disconnect between you and your inner-critic.
Everyone has an inner-critic like this in their head, and that voice usually serves a purpose. This voice is actually a defense mechanism of the brain. Its job is to constantly keep you out of danger. So when you see someone attractive and you would like to talk to them, that inner-critic may chime in unannounced: “No, don’t go talk to her, you’re too awkward,” this is simply your brain trying to save you from embarrassment. But does this voice ease up when you avoid this attractive person? Of course not, it can even intensify: “Wow, you’re such a pansy. Why didn’t you go talk to her!? You’re going to die alone.” This time your brain is trying to save you from loneliness.
It’s a terrible defense mechanism, but what can we expect from a machine that was crudely put together over millions of years of evolution? The brain has many flaws, and not all brains were created equal. The problem with depressives, it seems, is that this is defense mechanism is kicked into overdrive. When this voice is present all the time, it’s hard to ignore, and it’s hard not to believe what it’s saying.
“Your mind will take the shape of what you frequently hold in thought, for the human spirit is colored by such impressions.” -Marcus Aurelius, Meditations
The quote above is an important one. Even the stoics of 2,000 years ago realized the impact your thoughts had on your mood. If you think of something awful, you find that you start to feel awful. If you think of something peaceful, you’ll find that you feel calm. If you can learn to guide your thoughts, you can learn to guide your mood. With enough practice, you’ll even be able to separate yourself from those thoughts and moods.
The next time you hear those thoughts in your head, I want you to become aware of them. Become aware that the voice is present, and simply listen to what it’s saying. Don’t try to force these thoughts to stop. Thoughts tend to behave like water; you can only guide water, you can’t necessarily stop it from moving. When you’re starting to have hateful thoughts, gradually guide your thoughts to something more positive. The easiest way to do this is to argue with your inner-critic.
Often times, your inner-critic is simply broadcasting propaganda throughout the mind, but it almost never has evidence to support its claims. If you challenge your inner-critic, you do several things: you become aware that these thoughts are happening, you realize they are not in your best interest, you understand they are simply thoughts and feelings arising from somewhere in consciousness, and you are guiding your thoughts to a more positive place.
Inner critic: You are worthless.
Response: Really? That’s harsh, what makes you say that?
Inner-critic: You just are. Look at where you are in life, you’ll never be worth anything!
Response: It seems as though you are simply making claims without evidence. Am I, in fact, worthless? That doesn’t seem right. There are several things I’m good at, and I have the potential to become good at many more things. There’s no evidence to say that I’m worthless. Besides, how are you even measuring the worth of a person?
Inner-critic: You don’t any friends, you’re single, and you’ll never get the job you want.
Response: I do actually have friends, and so what? My happiness doesn’t have to be conditional; I don’t have to have that lover, or that job to be happy. People in far worse conditions than myself have been content. It seems as though you are just scared.
The more you test your inner-critic, the less water its claims hold.
Let’s do another thought experiment. Look around right now, and notice everything around you that’s red. Take a minute or two to do this…… Don’t continue reading until you’ve done so………
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How many red things did you notice? 5? 10? How many things did you count that may have not actually been red, but were maybe, almost red? Now, how many yellow objects did you notice? 1? Maybe 0? Notice how, when you’re looking for something, your brain focuses very well on finding that specific thing, and sometimes even makes you believe you found that thing, like if you counted a dark-orange object as red. Notice, when you’re not looking for it, your brain makes no effort to find it.
You can relate to this in everyday life. How many times do you notice when you’ve done something wrong? Probably often, and you then proceed to batter yourself relentlessly. You may even make yourself believe you’re doing something wrong, like when you counted the dark-orange objects. How many times do you notice when you’ve done something right? Probably not as much. This is actually pretty normal for most people, as the brain has an inherent preference to spot negative stimuli; which makes sense from an evolutionary perspective-you need to spot threats quickly. So we have to make a conscious effort to spot positive things. How do we do this? Well, I want you to make a list of at least 5 good things you know are true about yourself.
Even if it’s not 5 things, I’m sure you can come up with at least 2 or three good things. Now, take this list, and every morning, verbally say this list with “I am,” as the prefix to each. “I am very funny!” “I am very likeable!” “I am very creative!” etc. This may seem odd, but you’re basically reprogramming your brain to look for these things throughout the day. You’ll start to notice just how awesome you really are.
Now, one thing I often thought when I heard advice like this was, “well, aren’t you just distracting yourself into thinking that you’re alright when you’re actually not. It sounds like you’re still sad inside, but you’re just tricking yourself into thinking you’re happy.”
Thoughts in general, are a distraction from everyday life. Thoughts distract you from experiencing the present moment of life. There are very few thoughts involved with playing a video game or watching a movie, which is why we find them so enjoyable. You simply live in the present moment of that video game or movie. What if you could experience life in the same way, simply experiencing each present moment with content? The goal is not to be joyful 24/7; literally no one experiences life this way.
“It is quite impossible to unite happiness with a yearning for what we don’t have. Happiness has all that it wants, and resembling the well-fed, there shouldn’t be hunger or thirst.”
- Epictetus, Discourses
The last piece of advice I have is to take a good look at your goals and desires. Depressives can sometimes attempt to be perfectionist, which is recipe for an unhappy life. It is good to have material things, friends, status, but do not let your happiness depend on these things. People often believe happiness is achieved by obtaining enough things and befriending enough people to convince yourself that you’re great. Why take the risk of allowing your happiness to depend on these things that are outside of your control?
Most everything in your life is outside of your control. There is really only one thing you seemingly have control over: your choices. But rejoice, for this is a much more comfortable position to be in; what a terribly responsible position it would be, to control everything about your life. Every problem in your life would be directly your fault. Instead, we have much less to worry about. Someone thinks ill of you? Oh well, I cannot control the thoughts of another, I can only be sure that I am doing and saying nothing contemptible. You’re poor? Oh well, I do not directly control the laws of economics. You’re dying? Oh well, how is this life anything but dying?
“The chief task in life is simply this: to identify and separate matters so that I can say clearly to myself which are externals not under my control, and which have to do with the choices I actually control. Where do I look for good and evil? Not to the externals, but within myself to the choices that are my own.” -Epictetus, Discourses
If you’ve made it this far, thank you for reading. I truly hope that I’ve helped make a difference in you, and I truly hope that this helps to end your suffering. If you ever have any questions or need advice, I’m always a good person to ask. I hope you have a good day.