This is a story about my depression. A cruel shadow living inside my mind who wakes up from time to time to remind me how worthless I am and how I'm constantly failing at every aspect of my life. Of course I know that's not true, even when I'm in the darkest abyss, I still know, but somehow the voice of the shadow is stronger. It covers me with a heavy veil of doubt and guilt and helplessness, throws me into the darkest corner of my mind and makes me question every decision I ever made. My only choice is to wait until it goes asleep and to stay lucid enough not do do any stupid thing until it's all over. It's never completely over, though. It's there, sleeping, I can feel its breath like a cold wind blowing through my hopes and wishes. But I know.
So I decided to try and get along with it. To accept it as a part of me, to explore it. So I try to draw while my mind is haunted. I usually refused to create anything when I was depressed, sometimes I still want to throw away everything, all my creations , all my life, because everything seems to be worthless. But now I decided I would draw without any expectations. Crazy lines, splashes, quick sketches, everything I can, only to document the feeling. This is how the Dark Sketchbook was born. Here is the first sketch:
Since then, I made a few more drawings. Sometimes I use it even when I'm fine but I want to catch a certain feeling or an idea, or when I reach a dead point in developing a larger work. I try to identify those things who could escalate and wake my monster up. I just sit and draw, sometimes without even knowing what I'm doing, I just let my mind play on a piece of paper instead of her own darkness. I don't know if that will help me tame the shadow, I will tell you after it wakes up. Yes, it will...
I have to add a happy end to this post. As deep as my darkness is, my light can be brighter. Sometimes I'm not just fine, I am more than that: I experience the pure joy of being here, in this world, feeling the wind caressing my face, watching a ray of light through the dancing leaves, observing small details in the city walls and on people's faces; just watching the world breathing... What a miracle that we are at all!
It will come again, but I know...
Take care and be creative!
Virtual hugs,
Alina