Hello World. It's been months since I've even signed into Steemit. Maybe since spring. And wow. 640 followers. I think I had like 150 last time I was on here. (has Steemit been taken over by bots like Twitter...or are you real?! lol).
(3D ultrasounds are terrifying! This is the uterine invader around 25ish weeks -taken Halloween week. Fitting cause she looks more like Chucky than a human girl at this point! We really shouldn't take pics of our kids til they are outside of us...)
I think I did that thing I do - got all gung ho and let my ADHD take hold, and spent entire days just sifting through Steemit posts, brainstorming ways that I could become the next big thing. Wondering...what niche could be lucrative? How can I capitalize on here? Dopamine dropped as a silly, effortless post of my cat made money and something I worked on didn't. There were comments to reply to, groups on Discord...wtf is that? Oh wait, in order to 'make' it you have to participate? You mean, like real life? You gotta engage? Nope, too stressful, I'm out!
Then first trimester depression took hold, and accomplishing anything was impossible. I did that other thing I do and hermited up, falling off the face of the earth, even cutting ties with a writing group I'd met online for no good reason. I just stopped signing in. To Twitter, to Steemit, to writing group, and to actual life. Stopped checking the value of alt coins and bitcoin and stocks. Replied only to work emails and let the rest of life just dry up...
That depression roller coaster has been a hellish one. It's such a happy time or it should be. In two months, a baby girl is going to crawl out of my vajayjay...I've got an entire human being inside of me! She's a little ninja, kicking away, tugging at the umbilical cord, kneeing and elbowing my ribs and nether parts, and hiding when I tell her daddy - She's awake and ready to play. Those moments bring smiles - but also tears.
I don't have much family left. My baby won't have a grandpa or a grandma on my side of the family. My closest friends are scattered about the US and the world, and I'm not even having a baby shower, or really, no one is throwing me one. But even if someone did, even if I knew anyone in this town, who would come from so far?
My 97' CRV breaks down on a weekly basis and the flow of money has been all but blocked.
That combo of wallowing in patheticness + hormones has me fighting for every smile - but those little kicks and my boyfriend's Gemini Buddhist ways are my life lines right now. Then I'm like, am I going to suck at being a mom? Am I going to damage my baby and make her crazy with my depressive dna? And it's frownie face and silent sobs as I'm possessed by Eeyore, and woe, woe, woe is me...then I read the headlines, and they crush my soul and I'm sad because what human in her right mind would bring a baby into this FucKed up world? And then I cry, cry, cry some more, and worry because I'm going to stress my unborn princess out. Sigh.
It's been a doosy of a time - and it's 95% in my head! I hear my dad's voice in these dark times - "you're your own worst enemy," he'd say as I'd spiral down into the demonic depths of negative nancyville. I've finally gotten sick of myself, and despite perpetual exhaustion and apathy, I'm working on my perspective, and trying really hard to fight the depression... I'm meditating again, I'm writing, and I've found answers in the most unlikely hobby...tarot cards.
I've never had many hobbies that I stuck to. Everything has always been about paying bills, I've never been good at relaxing or just being, it's always about goals and productivity, if not actively, then I'm busy stressing about the to-do list (and money, always money). My self-esteem and mood levels are tied to my accomplishments. But one day over the summer, I let myself do something for me, and signed up for a Tarot class at a local shop. I'd always dabbled, but never committed - because, what would be the point?
(My kitchen table: where the woo woo happens or as my boyfriend says...'witch mode')
Over the past months, learning Tarot has helped me gain insight; and even to help others work through their own issues. When my brain isn't functioning well enough to 'accomplish' 'more productive' things - I turn to my Tarot, and get lost in learning and exploring the meanings of the cards. They led me back to meditating. They've helped me with writing sessions and to see both the light and dark in every situation, to be OK with the contradictions that are me.
Like spirituality - I alternate between phases of intense belief in the universe to borderline atheism. Less atheism - more 'fuck everything-ism'. I struggle with negativity (perhaps it's all the Saturn in my birth chart lol) - then when feeling positive tend to get preachy about laws of attraction and this and that and blah blah - and abandon those methods as soon as the car doesn't start again. I'm a person probably not known for 'being spiritual' publicly and have always sort of been in the closet about it...talking my woo-woo stuff with a few select people.
Even here on Steemit - I know some of my posts are all positive and about believing in stuff - but in reality, I'm someone who can be super negative. I'm argumentative when passionate about something. I like to argue (about politics and beliefs and things of that nature)! I like to curse! When not pregnant, I even like to get fucked up and obliterated from time to time.
I'm not all harmony and rainbows, and honestly, I don't want to be. The overly PC ways of the world make me want to slit my wrists - and thankfully, I have a boyfriend who is the same way. The fact that one tweet from one person of X race /gender/ etc is used to represent an entire people pisses me off. Today I saw an article criticizing Eminem for using the word retard and I lost it...
(Does the author not know who Eminem is?! My god, is this what people do with their time now???? Just scour the internet for shit to get their panties bunched up about? Oh shit, yes it is, because I clicked on the damn headline...I'm just as bad as them. Sigh again )
As usual, I digress as I try to locate the point I was attempting to make. I don't think I necessarily had one. Or maybe it was people are complex and we create these online identities that ignore that. We construct an 'I" we want to be or project and it's often only tangentially related to the "I" we 'really' are. If there is a true "I".
And, while it's sort of a 'duh' realization - it's one I want to embrace. And one that the Tarot has helped me see through images on cardboard.
So as I mind puke on this Steemit page - I think I'm ready to come back here now, and be a bit more honest, and only commit when I want to and use this as an outlet for expression instead of hoping to make a bunch of money, or even enough money to pay the stoopid bills.
I think I'm going to experiment with the niche thing to a degree though - and it's going to be learning tarot (as I learn, not as a guru sharing!) - but with a more skeptical angle than your average woo woo woman. And of course, about dealing with ADHD/Depression/Pregnancy - and how Tarot/writing help me to do that, and how it can be useful even for everyone.
I'll do free readings from time to time (to help me as much as to help anyone who is interested - and you'll have to bare with me, as they most likely won't be in real time), I'll post cards of the day or week, apply a card to what's going on in the world, etc. These are my plans, and my goal is to follow through! No set timeline yet. But aiming for at least once a week.
This was a really long post about me, me, me. But I feel better getting it out, and for some reason, doing it not inside of my diary lol. Maybe cause I've been meaning to get back on here, and writing shit in my head - but finally did it without a plan or edits. It's a practice post , folks, cut me some slack!
Maybe you're a depressive ADHD-er like me, maybe a straddler between the 'real' and 'spiritual' worlder, maybe you secretly dabble in woo woo too, maybe you're a closet writer, maybe this post made you feel like you're not alone in feeling down for no good reason, or maybe you can't stand people who whine about personal stuff online and overshare - but maybe, just maybe, posting this made someone feel something! (like pride in the fact that you read and edit your stuff before sharing it haha)
Oh - to whoever 'won' a contest I posted back when I was hoping to gain popularity or whatever it was I was trying to do on here - I promise to sift through the posts, find the winner and send whatever I said I would. Just need some time on it.
To whoever made it this far...shit, you deserve a prize. I hope some nice person comes a long and gives you one ;-)