Anthony Bourdain the world famous chef committing suicide really moved me and trust me not much does. I sobbed hot painful tears for half a day. The reason why? I have been battling depression for most of my life. The last six months I thought “if I just focus on my true purpose or my authentic “why” in life in my daily work then my depression will fade away or finally be cured.
Yet, here is a man that despite his demons did what he loved, made millions, earned respect, received recognition, had a beautiful wife, had all the financial resources to get professional help for his depression, and he still killed himself. That took the wind right out of my sails. If he committed suicide after everything he was able to accomplish...what chance do I have? He had a third degree burn.
Imagine you burn your entire hand. I am talking third degree burns all the way down to the bone where after you can't feel anything. It's all numb. Now imagine going about your life trying to “feel” that part of your hand every single day.
For me... joining the army at 17 to try to make a difference and probably for that rush of adrenaline. After three years you realize your friends are getting blown up for oil money and politics. It gets boring fast. Numb.
I know, i'll go back to school for international development. If I help people through aid work that will give me real purpose and a true “why” in my life. Nope still numb.
Travel! That feeling of happiness “normal” people get from seeing a beautiful flower or spending time with loved ones... I need to travel to northern India for six months to get the same level of happiness or excitement. 20+ countries later and I battle for every ounce of serotonin. Trust me I know travel does not solve any problems. It barely keeps me afloat. I am not running away from my problems I am fighting for feeling.
I am not sad. I am numb. Still no feeling.
You go out with all your friends...and you meet that bubbly person full of life and joy. You think to yourself “how the hell is that person so naturally happy” What drugs are they on? They almost feel like an alien. How the hell are they so happy for no reason? I secretly loathe them for their apparently silly levels of easily acquired happiness. I go through the motions and fake the smiles.
People say “just think positive!” or “you need to change your mindset.”
I must present an alternative example. If you broke your collarbone, and someone told you to go pick up that 20Kg box and move it to the garage. Crazy, completely irrational, and unsympathetic to their medical condition right? This is the very same as telling me to change my mindset, exercise, or think positive. The only difference is I can't call into work “sad”.
Love! Love is always the answer right? If I just put enough effort into my relationships I will be happy and fulfilled. 35 and three failed relationships later still nothing. I am sorry to the women I have dated for all my shit. You didn't deserve any of it. I need to love myself they tell me.
I throw myself into work for validation and some sort of feeling. Two tech companies later and all the promotions still nothing. I go through cycles seeking any kind of feeling at all. Being a workaholic just gives me ulcers and other issues. Numb.
At 35 your body starts shutting down. All those survival mechanisms, aarmor you have created, and just putting your head down pushing through no longer work. Wow. This is getting serious. What now?
Three different antidepressant medications, professional therapy, self help books, ayahuasca ceremonies, meditation, mushrooms, gratitude practice, and daily journaling….still numb.
I am not sad. I am numb, and just want to feel what you feel.