I've had periods of intense depression in my life. That, and long periods of nagging uncertainty and doubt, throughout my early years. My youth, and 20s and 30s, could in fact be characterised by ongoing emotional turmoil, moods and disassociation.
I figured out ways of coping, avoiding and detaching that got me through. And was even saved, twice, by Grace. Terrible, lowest points, reset in a miraculous, soul-washing instant.
I cultivated an impressive array of masks and shows, a pleasant public face and a fondness for turning the quest for happiness into a superiority complex.
It was my 40s that seemed to bring relief. And now in my 50s a corner has been turned, so profound, that I feel able to stake a claim on ridding myself of bad moods, for good. A 'project' chronicled in this 'That Day in October' autobio-blog-raphy, and resource to men with similar intentions.
So, with my credentials shared, let's look at this 'manning up' thing.
Strangely, as I began to write, a TV trailer for an(other) upcoming mental health special features a celebrity saying how much he hates the term, and of course I understand that. The disapproval of disapproval is now universal.
However, hating something shouldn't be a case-closed condemnation of anything, right?
As much as I, or anyone, might resent being told to 'man up', we might still squeeze it for some merit or value; especially as this particular bath water is down to its last gurgles. Might there be a baby in danger here?
I think there might be.
There's much discussion of masculinity in these times. I'm no exception to the speculation and enquiry. I've even joined a personal development programme that I bought into on the basis that it might put me in touch with more male power and direction.
Halfway through and I believe that to be the case. I have been plunged into ordeal, endurance, discipline and accountability. To put it another way: I've manned up. And I like the results.
But how does this relate to depression? And is saying 'man up' to a man who's down ever permissible?
At the risk of outrage, I'm going to go against even my own recent thinking, and say "yes".
If you've continued reading, I thank you for bearing with me and considering my genuine thought process here.
Often left out of discussion around depression, and many serious issues, is a consideration of context. Depression may well be a contemporary epidemic, and a hideous ordeal for far too many, but having the focus on those suffering is too small a view, in my view.
Depression, as far as I'm concerned, is a community issue. If one of us is 'down', we're all down. And any attempts to alleviate its dreadful consequences should be a group effort, not the overbearing responsibility of someone possibly too tired for the task. Put another way, let's all get on the pitch rather than have separation of players, cheerleaders and baying fans.
One of the reasons we can't bear to hear or say "man up!" is that we haven't created a safe enough environment to do so. Another is that we haven't earned the right.
It occurred to me that I could have heard those now-near-banned words had the backdrop of my youthful misery had more love, integrity and commitment. Had I not already drifted into lonely independence, I now believe I could have heard the presently unspeakable from a committed and bonded group of male friends.
As great as my few real friends were, I can't recall a level of love and support that would have 'got me through' the absolute worst of times. That had to be done alone, and I suspect may still be the dark way of many young men now, who are becoming keener to speak out, yet interestingly bemoan the lack of support available.
For the right man, I'm for tough love. I think given the same early life again, I would prefer a proverbial roughing up, a call to 'man up' from men who I love, respect and who I know will be utterly there for me - in the worst as well as best of times. That has to be better than hours of therapy for the action-oriented; faster than feeling-sharing circle time for the would-be warrior type?
But how does that 'contract' begin?
It begins here, with me. That's my gift to you, as my friend. Give me the right to tell you to 'man up' and I will be there for you as you do...
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