Is it a delusion!? How do I think this!? I get depressed thinking friends want me to party myself to death! And I don't want to party!! They worship their dead-beat poets like Bukowski like Jesus Christ. Like how cool and awesome it is when your down and out to become a sex addict and a drunk! Like if your not "finding what you love and letting it kill you" you don't have passion. In order to have acceptance from friends I must believe it's the end of the world and try to get off every chance I can, and the more suicidal and reckless the cooler of a dude I would be to them.
I picture myself killing myself and them all standing around laughing screaming, that party pooper, hypocrite! So glad he's dead! He isn't sexual like us, he doesn't have friends, he doesn't do crazy drugs. He has no passion if he is not 'finding what he loves and letting it kill him'. I just feel so much isolation that I feel like hurting these people. But I can't. They are hurting themselves already.
I don't know how I get so crazy with this. I want to choke someone and scream I don't want to kill myself! I don't think becoming an addict or treating women like a piece of meat is an expression of who I am. I feel like they think I am this different person who thinks heavy drinking is so cool and how awesome it would be to get laid all the time. I don't care about that! I'm not like that. I want to fucking punch someone. If someone glorifies drugs around me I wan to punch them right in the face!
These feelings get worse with isolation. Right now I haven't been social with anyone for over a month. I know if I go see people at night when they are drinking and saying stupid shit It will make it worse! I start drinking more around them too. I think this is who they want me to be. I feel myself loosing control around others but don't want to be like them so bad. The more I try to resist the more my behavior acts like them. I feel like I'm loosing my mind.
Oh well writing it out helps make me see how ridiculous it all really is. I don't have any companions cause I don't want to party myself to death or be a sexist. I don't want to use the apocalypse to do self harm. Why are so many people seem to be like this.
