It's been a while since I've had a round of depression. I had almost forgotten what it felt like to be hit with depression again as it's been quite a long time now that I've been able to keep it away. For the longest time I didn't know what happiness actually felt like due to being depressed and struggling for years. When I was finally able to get grips of the reality of joy, I worked hard to keep it that way.
Until recently.
It's Not All Tears And Woe Is Me
Well... not so much the tears, but definitely a bit of the woe is me part.
I'm going to describe how I'm feeling at this very moment to give you a description of what it feels like, as I know I'm in the throes of depression at this current moment.
Physically speaking, my eyes hurt. I feel like someone took their fingers and poked me in the eyes. The whole thing hurts, particularly the back of my eye. Not only that, they feel heavy - like I had been crying for hours and like I want to continue crying until not a drop is left but I simply can't produce a single tear. I feel like I'm out of breath but I don't want to breathe. My body feels completely exhausted, like I could spend the next 24 hours laying on a couch watching Netflix and be completely OK with not moving except to the toilet and to the front door to get delivery if I had the ability to order some and pay for it. My whole body just feels like it's in a slump and unwilling to do absolutely anything. It takes a lot of energy to move so the less the better. And, I just want to sleep. All I'd like to do is sleep for hours upon hours.
Emotionally, there's nothing. I feel absolutely nothing right now - no joy, no anger, no sadness. It's like my core is completely hollow. I guess one could attribute to this being a 'sad' feeling as I feel like just crying, but I can't. Crying takes effort and since I'm so exhausted physically already. If I visualize what my emotions feel like right now as a picture... I think of a black silhouette of grass on the lower middle, to the left some reeds and to to the right a big oak tree with moss/vines hanging from it. In the middle of the picture there's a blue fog/haze with moonlight shining through. You can just barely make out the image of water through the haze. Kind of like a swamp, but think of a beautiful death. Otherwise I simply don't want to feel. I know I should but I'd rather not for the simple reason that I feel like if I branch out and feel, that the feeling of emptiness is going to reach its ugly stretched hand from the pit and consume it making it harder and harder to feel what I'd rather feel.
Mentally what's going on is almost like melancholy - but more so "what's the point" or the prevalent, "I don't care." This is what kills me the most as things are happening around me that I SHOULD be caring about - from joyous occasions to concerning situations but I just don't give a shit. I can't produce any positive thoughts on a situation whatsoever - it's mostly negative. It's simply not caring, wishing it would go away and just wanting the time to pass or wanting to just opt out of life completely. I tend to get suicidal when I'm like this as thoughts of "fuck it" tend to creep in more and more frequently the longer I am depressed. Particular thoughts of "the kids will be fine without me" also tend to creep in. They produce more sad emotion than all other thoughts. Just typing that made tears form. I'll contemplate how I'd want to die, the same thing comes up again and again - wrists slit in a warm bathtub so I wouldn't feel cold, to just close my eyes and fade from existence. The constant thinking of "I don't want to be here any more" gets constant as time goes on.
To put everything into a nutshell - it feels like nothing.
Triggers
Many people can be triggered by many things - such as my trigger recently. Often these span from job troubles to family and relationship to identity issues... There is no stop. The list goes on and on. It can be a small thing that sets off a nose dive into the abyss - something as simple as getting the wrong kind of text from a family member over something small like the movie you wanted to see got pulled from theatres... Albeit if this is the case it is very possible that it is simply the straw the broke the camel's back. Or something very large such as losing everything you own due to job loss.
It's important to recognize triggers so that we can adequately take measures to keep ourselves safe during the slump time - and so others can support us through them.
I happen to know the things that trigger my depression the most deeply, and I know that was the smoking gun to what is happening now. I've spent copious amounts of time reflecting over my experiences and can pinpoint how I'm going to feel after an event to minimize damages and prepare myself for how I'm going to feel after they happen.
I know... that begs the question - "If you know you're going to feel like that, can't you stop it?"
You would think one could, but the truth is, I don't know how - yet. I have no doubt in my mind that I will be able to come to a place one day that I will be able to experience a situation and be able to stop this cascade before it begins, but right now it's just not going to happen. For right now I simply take precautionary measures to ride the waves without drowning.
How I Keep Floating And Get To Shore
As for how I put my security measures in place... I'll take a few minutes to describe to you what I do to keep myself breathing.
Firstly, as mentioned above - I know what my triggers are. I pre-emptively try to avoid those kinds of situations as I know the end up with me being a mess. I don't expect others to pussy foot around me trying carefully not to "offend" me, instead what I expect from others is that they comprehend that I get like this and be patient with me when these things happen.
Secondly, I have a few people in my life who aren't going to judge me, and who are going to keep my issues between themselves and I - who are of few words and who just hold space for me.
That's all it takes from others for myself - is a simple gesture of "I'm here if you need me" lets me know that I have folks who get it. This is preferred over attempts to reassure that things will be OK, gas lighting, helping me "fix it", pissing contests of everyone has it worse than me or that I could have it a lot worse.
Yes, I know it could be worse. Yes, I know things are going to be OK in the end - they always are. That's not what I need.
I simply need someone who will listen if I have something to say and validate it. In terms of fixing it - if it's an outward problem like financial struggle or otherwise, no... I don't mind whatsoever someone offering me work for cash or suggesting ways I can work to help me get over the issue. But in terms of fixing such as relationship issues or telling me to just be happy... It doesn't work that way.
Picture Source
Lastly, I have methods set up to help me when I find myself going down that river towards the waterfall.
Since I often lack the motivation to do virtually ANYTHING besides lie down and stare at the tv or my phone, I create little goals - small ones such as tell one friend how I feel so they know. Then I'll do other things like focus on something else besides my feeling... In a sense I force myself to do things that I know make me happy. Even though I don't enjoy it in the moment, I know that in time, I will begin to enjoy them again - such as going for walks outside.
The biggest thing I do however is try to put a full stop of not caring about anything, but rather find joy in the little things - in all situations.
Something broke? Gives me the opportunity to fix it. Kids having a melt down? They're going through a hard time, and they need me to be there for them.
I guess this could called be finding the positive things in a situation.
It's important to note that this was not easy when I first started it. It was damned near impossible. However over time it's becoming easier to distract and focus on something else to find positives in.
AS A SIDE NOTE:
This should not be used for dangerous situations to remain in a dangerous situations.
If a trigger to your depression is an abusive spouse for example, seek counselling for the both of you. If it's apparent that your life is in jeopardy - Leave.
Small tip: I recently tried out the calm harm app that can be downloaded to iphone or android. It's a nifty little app and it works well. I would recommend it to those who are hurting.
Why Tell You This?
I'm sharing these things to reach out to others to let them know their feelings or lack there of are abnormally normal; there is a light at the end of the tunnel... And to let folks know this is my current (but not forever) reality.
This is not a cry for help and please do not twist this into a cry for attention.
I have support systems and methods in place to pull me out of this hole rather than it being my final resting place like it threatened to be so many times in the past - however many many others... Do not.
They do not comprehend they are depressed, and if they figure it out - or have a doctor figure it out for them, they're told to take pills and that will fix everything.
They do not have a real plan or real support to help pull them from the hole that has appeared below their feet.
Everyone's plan looks differently. I'm not saying you should take my words face value and implement them into your life like a rule book, as what works for one individual may not work for another.
We are all different, we struggle differently and thus we need different resources and come to our conclusions differently as well.
Do what works for you.
And then there are many out there who cannot comprehend what this actually feels like. When they hear the words, "I'm depressed" they automatically think sad and thus cheering up is required. Or they think they can help fix it, or god forbid guilt you into feeling the way you do - which already adds to the pile of you feeling like shit because you feel the way you do. Maybe with some explanation, and reasoning that you as a support system do not have to fix anything - you just need to listen to the individual struggling. They will tell you how to help, even if that means simply being quiet and listening to them. I can tell you from personal experience that it helps tremendously to feel safe, loved and heard.
Hopefully by sharing this, it will reach someone out there who is suffering in silence and help them realize they aren't alone, and these feeling don't last forever even though it could take weeks in my current cases, or months to years like they used to. Eventually, they end. Eventually there is happiness in some fashion that you may find.
It's not easy. No part of depression is easy, so don't fool yourself into thinking it's a 123 step process. It may be easy in typed words, but the application and wrestling with what's going on inside is so much more difficult.
You can get there. :)
