It's been a while that I've written a post on here.
There was a lot going on and I needed some time for other things so I reduced my social media activities quite significantly.
I felt like everything was changing rapidly and not necessarily for the better.
Foremost Otto... Otto, my very best friend in the last 19 years has passed May 12.th. This cut very deep and I'm still processing this in some ways. We lost dogs before and it's part of living with dogs but this really made me spin out of control emotionally.
I know that every moment with Otto was a blessing especially once he passed his 15th birthday. Most of all I am thankful for the time with him and I guess he loved it to be around us too otherwise I think he would not have lived beyond his 19th birthday.
After he was gone everything I tried to get out of this emotional hell didn't quite work for the longest time.
It took literally months to not constantly swerve into what happened again and again, no matter what I was thinking or doing. I know that the relationship with Otto was so much more intense and deep than with the other dogs we had and lost. This honestly had a very dark grip on me. After reflecting on the time with Otto there were many things that made him special to me but I'm pretty sure now that the many times he effortlessly pulled me out of dark places, that I struggle with from time to time, weighed most heavy for me and made this so hard. That unconditional love and loyalty that only canine owners really understand and experience was next level for me with Otto.
We all have to live with losing loved people, pets and things. We simply must learn to accept loss and with a few decades under your belt most of us sadly had enough experience in that. It's simple, the older we get the more we lose. Frankly I've been "good" at that because it was important to me to be strong for other's when losses occurred. The "emotional monster" as I heard Jordan Peterson talk about seems pretty fitting. I didn't allow to give in into sorrow or other feelings no matter how horrible things were that we had to live through. This helped others because I could be there for them, lend my shoulder to sob and cry on and help out with little and bigger things when others simply could not take care of stuff because they were engulfed in grief and sorrow. Being there and giving a helping hand to all in my environment that were in need of support after a tragedy had happened made me even stronger the more I've done this. It also helped me too process such things in a very controlled manner without burdening others with my emotional states.
Nonetheless, with Otto's passing this didn't work for me at all. However, since I'm a big believer in positive affirmation, also knowing that negativity will rub off on others too, I decided to reduce my "online presence" just like I went "dark" in real life alike for a while.
I didn't want to be responsible to pull others into my struggle handling the loss of Otto neither do I want that to happen now or later.
Maybe it would have helped me to talk about this with friends and family but I felt even the initial sharing of the for me horrific, bad news was too much already because I went to deep into what I felt as it happened and right after.
Friends and family again and again reached out and tried to help but I didn't want to let that happen besides in a few instances when I let down my guard for a moment or two.
Sorry for that guys... you know who you are out there especially in degenland!
Nonetheless, to those in irl and to my online fam, I want to say a heartfelt thank you very much!
I probably could've just written, it happened, it took a while but I'm fine now, but you know me, my texting has the tendency to long boring word piles, so please accept my apology for that as well!
I know all of you have stuff and some even own tragedies to handle by yourselves and still you were very considered and reached out to me again and again!
I don't know if I will allow such a deep connection to another dog or other other pet like with Otto again in the future.
On the other hand, I know quite well that control is an illusion especially when it comes to the completely irrational sequence of events when synapses fire out of control when these wonderful beings choose you as their favorite human.
