It really felt like running around blind in despair and fear at the time. The feeling of having nothing to live for and nothing to loose somehow replaced the courage I needed to go forth and seek for the best outcome possible, just to see how far I could go. It's not healthy and it definitely was a dangerous mindset but I'm glad I survived and was able to get to where I'm at now. It's also why I liked writing it down. It feels like from where I am now, I can finally give some kind of "happy ending" to all of this eventhough it's far from being over.