Warning... this could possibly be considered one of those red letter, not safe for underage readers or someone who might be offended by someone writing about sex articles. er, Sortof. R rated at least? "Adult." So be forewarned. Although it probably isn't what you would expect.
From Valentine's Day, 2018
Love Letter to a Dream
I had this dream.
"... Then you were kissing me all over. I reached down to hold you. I remember saying that I wasn’t all that comfortable being so private in such a public place, wherever that cozy couch corner was that we found. But I didn't stop you. I pulled out your black jacket from nowhere, and I snapped it in the air like a bullfighter or a magician, to spread it out perfectly and cover you up from the back. You were already covering me.
I’m not sure what to make of this, whether I would have welcomed the speed of intimate contact. I think it happens often and I often stress over it, how I wouldn’t invite intimacy with strangers but for being swept away by it before I am allowed to choose, emerging from those dark 'missing memory' places of deep sleep. But in this dream you felt shiny and new to me, the newness being the feeling as if I knew you already … not knowing it but feeling it, there is a difference. There was a deep sense of unfamiliar familiarity and comfort in the connection that surprised me."
I've been considering this since I wrote it. I was totally in a blissed out state after I had this dream, feeling the connection to the other person in real life. But I didn't exactly share what really happened here. There was another aspect to all of it. Part of me hesitated, thinking the other person would figure it out, and part of me wanted to just leave it and see what the reaction would be. How it might shift things, me trying to make something out of it other than just a meaningless dream.
All of this is part of sorting out the issue of sexual appropriateness. I mean, can we experience opposite sex friendships safely and unconditionally? Is it even possible with the way we are programmed as human beings in this day and age? I always think I am so liberated, being sexually open. But maybe that's not the way to be. Maybe it is more liberating to NOT be automatically open to sex.
So here's what really happened and I think its worth a share because it opens up an entirely different understanding of the dream:
Yes, you did start out kissing me, on the stomach. My left breast was uncovered with my shirt up. And I think you may have just given it a little token peck, nothing erotic other than just the location. Yes, I do remember saying something to the effect that I wasn't comfortable doing anything private in such a public place, as we were getting settled into that cozy couch in that corner of the busy place. And yes, I didn't stop you from kissing me on the stomach. Were you healing something for me this way? It was more affectionate than sexual.
Although it is totally true that I do get roped into sex in dreams sometimes where I wake up to what is happening to me before I have had any say in the matter. When things change, it takes a moment for it to register. Sometimes more than a moment, being in so much shock from the liberties that are taken and excused by others, in spaces that should be private, so heartlessly and so often.
Back to the dream. So it is true that I felt you there for a moment, with an erection under your clothes as you were pressed on top of me. Also I did reach down to grasp you at that point, but your penis was like a long snake. I am perfectly okay with snakes, I have always liked them in fact, catching garter snakes and bullsnakes in the fields we hung out in when I was a kid was a thing with me. I looked down and it was in the shape of an 'S' (symbolic of)? As I looked down and grasped the tip of your penis in my fist, almost like grasping the head of a snake to hold it safely, the dream got ready to shift. With my other hand I snapped your black jacket out of the pile of clothes and pillows on top of us and spread it out somehow over your back which was already covered in blankets with me underneath you. And then I sunk back into the pile with you.
It was like, looking under the cover of a swimming pool or a large aquarium... even like some kind of Alice in Wonderland setting. There was a whole 'nother dimension inside that place inside us inside that couch cover. Like dropping into an exotic cave, with a light source as if from a distant window down the hall of the cave. I noticed this for a few moments in something like amazement, and then the dream changed again. I was distracted into doing something else.
April Fools!
With affection...
I didn't necessarily mean to imply that it was a sex dream, although I figured it would most likely be taken that way. I mean, we never actually had sex. But we could have. I mean, I hope you aren't offended that I might have been okay with the idea, or that I freely considered it. Flattered even.
Anyway...
I'm not one to kiss and tell. Normally.
(I was thinking recently of that sex thread we all had going on the old forum there for a short time so long ago, too. The one that was removed).
Changing the focus a little bit here, but not the subject.
I often have seen my writing as therapy for myself when I have desperately needed it. I'm still finding that on occasion. The explanation of this dream I posted is - I intended to reach out to someone. But in my humanity, I got confused. I guess I meant to validate something. And yet, I know better, I think ... at least, I hope. I think I am writing this because maybe I didn't end up validating the right thing. I always seem sort things out after the fact. I would prefer to start dealing with this issue like I see what is coming rather than getting ambushed by inappropriate or confused feelings and interactions. To be more grounded and less easily pulled off balance.
I recently got involved with a new therapy group, which I have not done in awhile! But some things came up for me just in the last few days as a result. This is something else that happened, not the same person from the dream. It was last fall, 2017. I had an interaction with someone who was definitely part of this Op that follows me around in life, and I had experienced this person as, rushing in at one point to rescue me from a threat and me, getting away from it and leaving the situation in public in my community. After that happened, weeks later I ran into this person again, and I was given safe space for a time at his place of business, to collect myself under some extremely stressful circumstances for a few hours. I guess I felt special. I was so grateful for just the kindness of it.
But it hasn't sat right with me since it happened. This other person went out of his way to flirt with me and very aggressively. I have to say that I was probably shocked by it and probably so ... willing to just go along and receive this that I didn't even realize what happened. Because of the stress of my circumstances, and I flirted back. I got the impression from this exchange that the other person was interested in me and ... well. To be honest. When you are dealing with life threatening situations on a regular basis over time, I think it is hard to see things clearly. You spend your frustration in the trap hoping for a rescue. When it doesn't come, you talk yourself out of even wanting this. I mean, not to sound dramatic. But if you really don't have options because they have all been taken away from you, you come to wonder if it isn't a thing, to learn to trust that someone else is going to help you out of the mess you are in. I think it is easy to get unconditional relationships confused with conditional ones. Sexual connections vs. non sexual ones.
This is something I have yet to master. Abusive people all around telling you that you are the problem and you need to get your shit together and ... find the means to survive on your own. When the whole time your independent survival is deeply and secretly undermined by these very same people. As in options and how relationships show up in life, what the expectations are.
I've felt so guilty over this exchange that I stay away from this place of business now, and I'm noticing patterns that I didn't see before. I felt guilty for ... being misled. Also for being seen as a threat to his girlfriend, which I didn't realize he really had (I mean, why would he be acting that way if he was in a committed relationship? Mixed messages suck to sort out). For responding to the rescuing flirtation that was extended and actually thinking that this other person might be someone I could count on. Like I did something wrong. Like it was me who was somehow behaving in some predatory manner when I was on the receiving end of that. I don't mean to be oversensitive and overreactive, either... I think these circumstances were just... remarkable for me. I realize now that what I really needed was just friendship and warmth, not with the ... what's that word? Gaslight. The romantic/sexual gaslight attached. It didn't take THAT long for me to figure it out. A month, maybe two, before I was able to just let go of it and see it for what it was. But then I ran into associations with this person recently and I noticed how uncomfortable the whole thing makes me, just thinking about it and I finally realized why. It was because I was a person in serious distress being misled by a sexual/romantic innuendo. When I was just desperate for a little peace and safety and maybe even a longer term friend. In the end it wasn't my guilt. Something that happens with empaths and projections or denials we fight. They wind up being very literal.
gas·light
ˈɡaslīt/
noun
noun: gaslight; plural noun: gaslights; noun: gas-light; plural noun: gas-lights
- a type of lamp in which an incandescent mantle is heated by a jet of burning gas.
the light produced by a gas lamp.
"in the gaslight she looked paler than ever"
verb
verb: gaslight; 3rd person present: gaslights; past tense: gaslighted; past participle: gaslighted; gerund or present participle: gaslighting; verb: gas-light; 3rd person present: gas-lights; past tense: gas-lighted; past participle: gas-lighted; gerund or present participle: gas-lighting
- manipulate (someone) by psychological means into questioning their own sanity.
"in the first episode, Karen Valentine is being gaslighted by her husband"
in·nu·en·do
ˌinyəˈwendō/
noun
noun: innuendo; plural noun: innuendoes; plural noun: innuendos
an allusive or oblique remark or hint, typically a suggestive or disparaging one.
"she's always making sly innuendoes"
synonyms: insinuation, suggestion, intimation, implication, hint, overtone, undertone, allusion, reference
From Google.
It was very ... empowering for me to realize that I didn't do anything wrong, but it was also a shock to realize the dynamics that even occurred with a clear head, later. Also I think it was liberating to realize that this has happened quite a few times over the years with people I was hoping were reaching out to me in rescue. I think denied inappropriateness is a strategy and quite often a huge blind spot. Part of the whole psy-op psychology and narcissism. Like, how they throw you off balance in the first interchanges, to gain power. When true diplomacy is far more open, cooperative and allowing of safe space and personal differences. True diplomacy in my definition is proactively kind. After all, diplomacy is based on an equally embraced desire for mutual association. Right? This is a major red flag for me now and I shy away from it, being jerked around like this. I tend to group these people in my mind as negatively associated.
So I guess I have some things to talk about in group!
Thanks for listening.