My long-term followers will likely know by now that I am somewhat of a poster-boy for wasted potential. By age 14, everyone knew I was a genius-- none more so than I. Yet by age 17, thanks to the frequent abuse of A-class drugs, my once-exceptional brain was left semi-functional at best.
I can actually remember the very day my ingenuity left me. It came after a fortnight of taking ecstasy pills every night, with me taking 13 and a half Mitsubishi Turbos(very potent pills) on the final night.
The next afternoon, I literally woke up dumb. It was quite possibly the worst moment of my life. The second I opened my eyes, I knew that I wasn't Scott anymore. At least, not the Scott I once was. I can even recall that my vision was dulled, and the colours less vibrant than they had been before. Writing this now, it doesn't seem like a scientific possibility, so I wonder if this memory has been morphed due to my long held belief that this was the day I became less. A reduction of brightness to one's vision certainly sounds more like a symbolic representation of a loss of intelligence than a biological one, but this is the way I recall it, and the point is, I knew something had changed for the worst upstairs.
Do you know that feeling, when you have something on the tip of your tongue, or even just out of reach in your mind?
Before that afternoon, I had seldom experienced that feeling before. But I can recall the frustration I felt throughout that day as I experienced it over and over.
Nearly 15 years later, I still suffer this hiccup in cognitive function on a daily basis, and it's probably why I have not gone a single day without thinking about ecstasy in well over a decade. Every time my memory betrays me, or when I lose sight of my thoughts only to struggle for a while to recapture them before giving up, I think about ecstasy and what it has cost me.
Lately things have been different, however. I do not know if it is because I have finally forgiven myself for squandering such a great gift, or perhaps simply because I recognise I have other ones that I can still use to make a difference, but when I reflect on my relationship with ecstasy recently, I am able to look past the price I paid and focus on the product I paid for.
When I do this, it is hard for me to be angry at ecstasy, or even at myself for abusing it, because what this drug can provide a human with is nothing short of magical.
They call it the love drug, and I require no explanation as to why. However, the love you feel for others when under the influence of this drug is not like any other you have felt before.
Love, in my experience, is never without conditions. That is not to say that, if you break this rule then I will not love you any more. Emotions simply do not operate that way. But it is to say that, I will only love the parts of you that I accept, and I will hope the rest of you changes to something that I personally approve of.
This is not what you feel for others while on ecstasy.
The best description on the effects of ecstasy that I could give, would be to say that;
We are taught Evolutionary theory at school so that we will look upon each other as adversaries. We learn insecurity from the media and advertisement so that we might buy more things to make us feel better about ourselves. Society teaches us that we should only be friends with those who have branded their self with the same labels.
For these reasons, as well as many others, the modern environment leads us to spend our lives erecting barriers between one another. Ecstasy tears those barriers down. The resulting feeling is one of supreme connectivity to your fellow man. Euphoria is the word used to describe this feeling, but I would refer to it as unconditional acceptance.
When this feeling takes over, you are able to both love and accept those around you. Not for who they are, but because they are. The innate understanding that everyone is as worthy of love and respect as anyone else in this world becomes apparent, and the instinct to judge others for their actions is suppressed. Negative characteristics become nothing more than unique identifying traits. Past grudges are interpreted as bonding experiences, providing only more reason to love. Feelings of competitiveness and the very concept of "survival of the fittest" escape you, and all that remains is the knowledge that we are all bound to one another on a level that need not be understood, only accepted.
Yes. Magical is a fitting adjective for the feeling that ecstasy can provide one with. I have heard it said that if everyone were to take ecstasy for one day, the world would be saved. I couldn't argue against the theory. However, I do not wish to mislead anyone. This state of unconditional acceptance is not a constant when under the influence of ecstasy. The effects can also be unsettling, especially if you are with others who are not on the drug.
This is a feeling that can emerge when in the right conditions, and can disappear in millisecond if those conditions change for the worse. So please don't consider this a suggestion for you to do ecstasy. But, don't interpret this as a warning not to either.
If you are reading this, then I expect that you are old enough and capable enough to make your own decisions. Perhaps my experience with this drug can help you make a wiser one.
The price I paid for love-- real love -- was a heavy one. But what else is to be expected when you abuse a substance as much as I abused this one? If you are going to do pills, MDMA, or any other drug for that matter- practice moderation. For you may find yourself regretting the consequences of over-indulgence even decades later-- regardless of how profound those experiences may have been.
