When we ask, "what is wrong?" we get answers that often help us keep in a state of misery. When we replace our "what's wrong?" thinking and questions with a "what's right?" or a more open curiosity like, "what's going on here?" or, "what am I feeling right now?" we discover this gigantic world of possibilities where it's okay to just feel our feelings, it's okay to be who we are, and it's okay to experience whatever we are doing without judgment.
Thank you for reading about day 193 of Happier People Podcast and I hope you enjoy it!
Replacing What is Wrong with What is Alive in Me and How May I Help? #193
I'm sharing this today because I hope it's really helpful to replace "what's wrong?" questioning and thinking with an open-minded curiosity because this for me has produced fantastic results in my life.
This is the answer to the questions I so often see, "How do I have so much energy? How do I stay motivated?" One huge tool with that is replacing "what's wrong?" thinking and questioning with open curiosity.
For example, today I spent about the first hour of the day crying and feeling a lot of sadness, hurt and I'm not even sure why? Now, one thing which hinders that experience, which makes it harder to do that is to ask, "what's wrong?"
Because "what's wrong?" implies things are not as they should be.
It is a built-in judgment that most of us have been raised with. Any time we are crying or being inappropriate, we, by the question itself, are wrong.
This question is hardwired into so many of us and I cringe every time I see a boy crying, especially a boy because men are raised that if you are crying something is wrong, because if nothing was wrong you wouldn't be like that.
This kind of thinking is based on a belief that what is right is to be cool. What is right is to be either emotionless or happy and that experiencing something else is wrong. Now, this might seem innocent enough like, "Oh, Jerry you're making a big deal out of nothing."
Let's try it.
When you look in the mirror and ask yourself, "what's wrong?" how do you feel?
I know. I will do it right now.
"What's wrong?"
My mind immediately flows with all these things:
"Well, your money might not work out. Well, people might not like this video. Well, this person did this a while ago and the world's like this and …"
You see the energy that produces?
Now, let's try it a different way.
"What's alive in me right now?"
My mind says:
"Hope. Excitement. The possibility that this might be life-changing, that experiencing what I'm creating right now might really help you. A love and curiosity. A child like enthusiasm for life. That's what's alive in me."
Do you see the difference in asking those two questions?
That's massive.
It's huge!
Let's try it again.
"Jerry, what's wrong with you right now?"
I just got a really ridiculous answer.
My mind said:
"You're too fat. You're too fat. That's what's wrong with you right now. You're too fat."
Are you kidding me?
I'm too fat?
I weigh about probably 165 pounds right at this moment. That's the least I've weighed since probably middle school. This is the best I've looked, maybe ever.
Not, you know, for all of eternity because we are immortal souls, but for this body's existence as an adult, I'd say based on judging myself, this is the best I've looked ever as an adult.
Do you hear the answer my mind just gave me when I asked, "what's wrong?"
It said that I'm fat, even though objectively that is ridiculous.
Do you see how destructive it is to ask the simple question, "what's wrong?"
I know for a lot of my life, I asked the question internally, "what's wrong?"
The answer I most often got was:
"What's wrong with other people? What's wrong with the world? What's wrong with me?"
Now, if I ask, "what's alive in me right now?"
The answer is:
"My body."
"Every cell filled with life, excited to share. Passion, enthusiasm. That's what's alive in me right now. A little while ago there was sadness. There was despair."
You see when I ask, "what's alive in me?" there is nothing wrong with sadness or despair, it's just another emotion. It's just as good as happiness.
When we ask, "what's wrong?" and we discover sadness and despair, my gosh, we might need to get something done about that. We might need to go see someone who will help us not feel that disgusting filthy emotion anymore.
"What's wrong?"
"This video, that's what's wrong, Jerry. I'm asking what's wrong and what's wrong is you telling me that when I ask what's wrong and that's wrong."
It's not wrong.
It depends on what kind of answers you want.
Do you want to be depressed and miserable the rest of your life?
Then, feel free, keep asking, "what's wrong?"
It works really well for being depressed and miserable, hopeless and full of despair. If that's what you want, then do it.
Feel free.
I've done it.
I've done it a lot, probably for the last 15 or 20 years.
If you ranked the questions I asked, "what's wrong?" it was probably in the top 10, if not the top 5, and maybe even number one or two alongside of "what do I want?"
This video and the related podcast and post will get way too long if we are going to "what do I want?" right now.
So, let's stick with replacing "what's wrong?" with "what's right?"
We have complete power over the questions we ask. No one dictates to us what questions we ask.
Now, the others, society, the world, has a huge power over a lot of our lives, but no one has the power to tell us what questions we ask internally, that is completely up to us.
When we consciously choose the questions we ask inside of us, or we observe questions and we want to replace them with something better, we claim the full power we have.
Feeling powerless or feeling out of control is usually a function of not being in touch with our own power, because the world tends to respond to our own power.
When we have power over ourselves, when we choose the questions we ask, we don't have this huge need to dominate and control others.
When I ask "what's alive in me?" I don't see this need to control you.
When I ask, "what's wrong?" I start getting this desire to control and fix you, because when I ask, "what's wrong?" and the answer comes that your behavior is what's wrong, then I'd better fix it. I'd better fix your messed up behavior.
If the answer to "what's wrong?" is something with you, I'd better start dominating and controlling you, and perhaps then I can fix what's wrong with you. The truth is that nothing is wrong with you, nothing is wrong with me, that's the truth.
Now, often the truth will aggravate us.
A lot of us don't take compliments very well because we have asked, "what's wrong?" so often that when someone gives us a compliment, it disagrees with our answers to "what's wrong?"
I've noticed that I've struggled to take compliments over the last few years, that I get defensive when someone says, "Jerry, great job."
I feel the urge to argue: "What do you mean by a great job? Of course, it's a great job. I am God."
Or, "Well, anyone can do that."
"What's wrong" thinking is what causes us to see a world with problems.
Now, you might be tempted to say, "Jerry, there are problems in the world. Look at the Pacific Garbage Patch. Look at what we're doing to the Earth. Look at what we're doing to animals. Look at what we're doing to our fellow human beings."
Would we do those things if we asked, "what's alive in me right now?"
Would we butcher our fellow human beings?
Would we have massive houses, disgusting amounts of wealth, and then not have anything left to give anyone else and feel like we are not good enough?
Would we do that if we never asked, "what's wrong?"
Isn't having too much a function of asking, "what's wrong?"
I know when I ask, "what's wrong?" I feel like what I have is not good enough, and then I hustle for more even when I have too much.
When we ask, "what's alive in me right now?" we often have a fantastic urge to really help with the problems on this planet, and I say, "problems," not that there's something wrong, but there's an opportunity for us to work together.
You see when we are full of despair that's an opportunity for us to work together. When we are uncomfortable that's an opportunity for us to help each other.
When we have needs, when we are hungry, when we want connection and intimacy, these are opportunities to help each other.
When we see things like a huge amount of garbage floating on the ocean, that's an opportunity to help each other, that's an opportunity to work together and clean that up.
It's like my daughter's play area.
My daughter's play area gets messy. It gets full of all her toys.
She has so many toys that my daughter's play area becomes a mess and that's a great opportunity for Dad to come in and be genuinely useful, because I'm good at cleaning stuff up.
I've got 30 years of experience cleaning stuff up and I know how to put everything nicely away and make it look good instead of looking around at my daughter's play area and saying, "What's wrong?" and making her cleanup, "You clean that up. You put that in there. Move that over there."
Instead of doing that, I have a choice today.
Thank God, I have a choice.
You know what?
Maybe I will help. I'm really good at cleaning up. I will put it away and I will feel grateful that I have a beautiful two and a half-year-old daughter to help put all her toys away, that she has toys, that she can play and have fun, that she's being loved and respected each day.
I look around at her play area and I ask, "How may I help here?" instead of "what's wrong?" because often this also works for other things, you could ask, "What's wrong?" and say, "The Pacific Garbage Patch. That's disgusting! It needs to be cleaned up," or you could ask, "How may I help here?"
Well, there's a lot of trash floating in the Pacific, a gigantic Garbage Patch, “How may I help with that?"
I'm not sure, sitting in Florida right now in St. Petersburg in my daughter's play area as I create this, how I can help with that, maybe just talking about it is enough, maybe just being aware of it, is enough, for now, for right this moment.
You see, even with things we really do need to do something about like when I say, "what's wrong?" then I have a desire to go watch the news because the news will tell me what's wrong today.
When I say, "How may I help here?"
Then, yes, there are things like racism, discrimination and sexism.
When I ask, "how may I help here?" then I see what I can do about it.
Ultimately, it comes down to, what can I do about it?
If I can't do anything about it or if I don't see what I can do about it, then I'm powerless. Then, I feel the need to exert power over others, then I feel the need to commit violence whether it's emotional or mental oppression of others, or even that's the foundation of physical violence.
Is looking around at each other and asking, "what's wrong?"
The answer might be:
"Well, this person's so disgusting they need to be beaten."
If we ask, “how may I help here?”
Can you imagine asking, "how may I help here?" and feeling the desire to hurt another person?
I'm grateful today that I've had this experience.
I've asked, "what's wrong?" so many times that I can't stand to do it anymore. I'm burnt out. I'm tired of asking, "what's wrong?" I'm tired of the answers I get asking, "what's wrong?"
Today, I ask, "how may I help?"
Today, I ask, "what's alive in me?"
I've learned that from others.
Other people have shown me how to do that and I pray, I hope, this is as helpful for you as what I've read in books like "Nonviolent Communication."
I hope this gives you a really valuable skill today without asking anything in return because that's love, and love is alive in me right now. That's how I may help, to love and know, experience and teach unconditional love today.
Thank you.
If you think despair and sadness is always bad, this is what I have to share after an hour of crying.
I love you.
You are awesome.
How may I help you?
I hope this day 193 of Happier People Podcast was helpful.
Final words
Thank you for reading this post, which was originally filmed as the video below.
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Love,
Jerry Banfield with edits by @gmichelbkk on the transcript from @deniskj
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