Enjoy the true story of my SEX life in Speaker Meeting 2017 with minimal cursing and no pictures :) I'm getting this out there as the second chapter of Speaker Meeting 2017 because I feel like sex is at the core of most of the challenges and most of the growing pains I have experienced in my life. For example, the first time I drank, I hoped it would help me have sex. My sex issues go back to as far as I can remember and I'm very grateful today I have an extremely healthy sex life. I am married, I'm very grateful for that. We have very frequent healthy, passionate relationship with each other. Will you join us in continuing to read the transcript or watch the video on DTube for the full experience?
Watch Speaker Meeting 2017! Chapter 2: Sex video on DTube
Note that I chose to avoid tagging this NSFW because there is just a picture of me talking in mostly family friendly language. That said, I share the truth of my sex life because I have found listening to these stories by others has been fantastically helpful for me to stop feeling shame and start feeling like a member of the human race. Some of what I share here might be better enjoyed in private unless a talk about sex with family and coworkers is desired. While I would prefer to listen to your story than share my own, I realize the best chance I have to hear your story is to lead by example. While I originally published this for an audio book, a video course, and a paperback book, it has taken me months along with thousands of dollars to get this onto Audible and Amazon only to then struggle to make sales. Meanwhile, everyone I have talked to that has listened to, read, or watched Speaker Meeting 2017 has loved it. I am EXTREMELY GRATEFUL for DTube allowing me to not only make this available free which I dared not do on Facebook or YouTube but also to earn from upvotes! Thank you to 
Now back to the transcript of the video if you prefer to read!
I do not masturbate today … Oh, that's awful. Well, let's change. I'm going to try and put this in some fun, comedic terms today so that we can experience this without the heavy words like masturbate. Oh, that's on genitals. Oh, that's awful. Let's try, I'm going to use the phrase magic stick for my male equipment and then paws for hands. I don't put my paws on my magic stick until it produces the life-giving essence that comes out of it. I'm very grateful for that.
I do not masturbate today … Oh, that's awful. Well, let's change. I'm going to try and put this in some fun, comedic terms today so that we can experience this without the heavy words like masturbate. Oh, that's on genitals. Oh, that's awful. Let's try, I'm going to use the phrase magic stick for my male equipment and then paws for hands. I don't put my paws on my magic stick until it produces the life-giving essence that comes out of it. I'm very grateful for that.
That is my first addiction. That was the very first addiction I had when I was 13 to putting my paws on my magic stick. That was my addiction, the first thing that led me into feeling awful shame. I'm grateful today I do not … Oh, not that word again. I don't put the paws on the magic stick and I do not watch adult movies or porno. Oh, that's a good word, porno. I'm grateful because I struggled with an addiction with that as well. We're going to get into all of that right here today. I trust you to receive this in love, in the spirit of healing. I am doing this because it is my greatest opportunity to be of service here with you today.
I am honored that you trust me here to be in this safe place together with me to talk about things that need to be talked about, talk about things that need to be healed and loved and forgiven, to not just hide shame in the corner and never talk about these things, so let's get these out there. Please understand this is for mature audiences only, so if you're listening with a family member or friend, whoever it is, I trust you will keep that in mind.
First, to begin, what do I even mean by sex? Well, I remember having a big problem with Bill Clinton and defining sex clearly and I think it's challenging for us today because what is sex? I would say I went off to college as a virgin, obsessed and frustrated with sex, but that's not my first sexual experience. What was my first sexual experience? Well, the first one I remember, and I remember this working with a priest, talking about my sexual issues. I remember this … I did not consciously remember this for more than 27 years. It's amazing the things that are buried and yet these kind of things, these sex issues, are one of those things that are connection to love, to all other human beings, these sex issues for me have left me feeling broken, left me feeling separate from the human race for a lot of my life, which is why I'm sharing these with you now.
My parents, we lived on an Air Force Base, so these were all military people. My parents didn't know anyone hardly there. My parents found a babysitter when I was about three years old to go watch me for the night while they went out on a date. He was a very nice man and his wife, they came up, watched, and after I got out of the shower, there was a man and his wife sitting on the bed babysitting us. I had my towel on and I was naked and he put his paws on my magic stick and played around with me like I was a doll. I remember I used to call it, my magic stick, my Peter back then, and I remember telling my father that dad, that babysitter touched my Peter. My dad was shocked, horrified, confused, "What, really?" and we never had that babysitter over again.
From there I watched home videos and I see I'm constantly trying to increase the size of my magic stick, rearrange it, move it around. I'm extremely curious about it and this isn't like I'm the only boy in the world. I've heard that young boys practically right off the womb are obsessed with it, and yet this started to lead me down a path of feeling separated, disconnected from the human race but it didn't really get to me until I was around eight years old, at which point I started, I had a ton of curiosity. I continuously tried to see what my parts did. I just wanted to know about them. I remember at eight years old, and we're going to call the mouth the pie hole, so I remember at seven or so years old being able to get my pie hole on my magic stick and I was incredibly excited about that. Well, it's no fun just doing things by yourself, is it? I went to … I don't know if it was a farm or a zoo one day, but we saw two pigs who were interacting with pie holes and magic sticks and the two pigs were doing that, so I had a best friend that we both saw that and me and him decided, well, we should try that.
Even at eight years old, we're incredibly sneaky, realizing that we couldn't possibly let the adults know because then we'd get in trouble. We negotiated. I remember negotiating with him. He's like, "Well, I really like French kissing." I'm like, "Well, I want to try that pie hole, magic stick thing." "All right, so let's do that." We'd sneak it in and so is that the first time I had sex? I don't know. It depends on how you look at it. I remember though that when I was in my 30s in alcoholism, I did what was called a fifth step and that was one of the core things on there. That was one of the things I swore I'd never tell anyone that I messed around with another boy. What I learned in going through counseling with this is that the most painful part wasn't about me and the boy. We had lots of fun and we did it repeatedly, as often as we could get together to do it.
Then one day my dad caught us and then it was looked at, my dad looked at it, the other boy was the victim and that I must have done all of this and my dad then punished me. He stuck me in my room for a month. He spanked me. I remember being shamed horribly and he stuck me in my room for a month. I was not allowed to even eat dinner with the family. As soon as I got home from school, I was in my room, I was to stay in my room except to go to the bathroom and I was not to see him or my family or anyone else. No one was allowed to come over and see me and I remember really discovering what it felt like it to not belong then. At the core of all of my issues with humanity and life and all the other things I'll talk about was this shaming instance because this is when I learned how to not belong.
This is when I learned how to not be a member of the human race, but to be an outcast, that something was wrong with me, that because I was playing around with this other boy, something awful, something disgusting existed inside me. I remember my dad making me write "Obedience is to obey" thousands of times on paper in my room by myself, and thank god, my mother, after about a month, had it. I think my father was afraid of me becoming gay. I think that was one of the core things he was afraid of because he had a big hatred and maybe he had some of his own issues he experienced in his life, but he was just terrified that I was going to be gay.
He was really hurt that I've been sneaking and hiding this from him. I think he suspected. Then this experience was very traumatic. Finally, after a month, thank god, my mother demanded that I start to get to participate in the family again. We used to eat dinner together every night, and for me not being at the dinner table, not watching TV, not getting to do anything with my family, it was an extremely painful experience I was not ready to go through as a child and that kind of defined how I interacted with the world and sex.
Now, did that babysitter play a part of it? Were those pigs messing around on the farm, was that it? Where do all these things fit it and come from? Well, what I can tell you is that by the time I was 13 years old, I got my first addiction and it was to putting my paws on my magic stick. I remember the moment I made the decision because I started messing around when we had Sex Ed in sixth grade or so. They showed us the parts and I was so curious about the female parts and I went home, I took my Minnie Mouse doll and Minnie Mouse was my first girlfriend. I loved Minnie Mouse as far back as I can remember. I took my Minnie Mouse doll and made passionate love, pulled her little pants down and made passionate love with her. I used to sneak that in as often as possible, and then I struggled because I felt I was doing something wrong, something disgusting, by using my paws on my magic stick. It was so uncomfortable, I felt horrible.
Finally, I remember at 13 years old, I was standing in a hotel room with my family. We had moved, and we moved to Germany. I was standing in this hotel room and just this overwhelming desire to constantly mess with myself any opportunity I could get. I made the decision. I said, "I'll do anything to fix this. I'll do anything to satisfy this craving." I made a decision to fight. I knew the only way I could be free of the desire to put my paws on my magic stick was to simply go ahead and do it and then the tension was released. Then I'd have hours if not a day or two of peace where I wouldn't have the desire to do it again.
One of the days, we were in that hotel room, I managed to do it four different times that day, which is just ridiculous, pun intended, ridiculous. Around this time also, remember, back to seven years old, I had been working on my … Oh, there's one really good word for this, back stretch. I still have to think about writing a book called Back Stretch, but with this, it might be unnecessary. I've been working on my back flexibility since I was seven years old because I was obsessed with putting my magic stick in my pie hole. I had a really good discussion with this as a police officer one day.
Another officer and I, and I quote the words verbatim. We were discussing exactly how you know if you're gay and what we came up with by the end of it and I quote, "When the dick touch the lips, that's it, you're gay. There's no going back." Apparently, according to that definition, I've been gay a really long time. I'm not gay, though. I love women. I find absolute beauty in women. I can notice when a man's attractive, for sure, just let's get that out there and move forward now. At 13, I also still had amazing flexibility. I could still stuff my magic stick in my pie hole, and I proceeded to go on a just unbelievable rampage as a teenager, all kinds of nasty stuff. I had this bottle that I used to use as a container or a catcher. I had a teddy bear, I got a hole open in it. Oh, man I was nasty. Everywhere was … It was crazy, and the shame continued to build like a snowball.
What had started this snowball rolling, these things that happen as a child, what started the snowball rolling, I continued to pile more and more and I would never talk to anyone about any of these things. After getting in trouble with my dad, I refused to talk to him about any of my sexual feelings. I refused to ask him any question about my male parts. I would not talk to him or any other man or woman about any of this. I kept all this to myself. In high school, I remember riding the bus wondering if I was gay or not, having fantasies about guys and then fantasies about girls and, oh man, it was miserable.
Thinking all day about what opportunities I was going to have, to stuff my magic stick in my paws or my pie hole next. I have all these scars on my back, which I lied for years and said it was from sit-ups. It wasn't from sit-ups. It was from being able to get on my back, take my legs and stuff everything in there. It hurt and it hurt and I was afraid, I was scared, I thought I was going to one day break my neck doing this and then get stuck in that position and die and that's how people would find me. I piled on shame that you can't believe, or maybe you can believe. That's the point of this. I piled on shame after shame after shame. I can't see the time here. I'll take a look.
I have piled on unbelievable amount of shame in high school. I felt extremely alone, my teddy bear filled up with all kinds of life giving magic bottles in my room, thinking everything somehow fitting into my magic stick schemes. Oh, that's a word mouthful. Let's not use the word mouthful in this context. It was a time of just descent into hell. At the same time as I descended, my parents started having a really hard time and our family, I thought the family was going to break up. I withdrew completely into the shame and sex and this is when I started my video game addiction in here as well. It's amazing I thought my parents didn't know about any of this stuff. I did things like I'd sit there, have my paws on my magic stick underneath my coat when I was like 15. I'd be riding the train in Germany. There was this girl I had a huge crush on. One night she actually got drunk and I got time with her by myself.
Now, my dad was a stay-at-home dad. He was everywhere I was. He was around all the time and thank god for his love and support or I absolutely wouldn't be here today. My dad loved me enough that I didn't take my own life over all these things and all the follow-up things that happened. I had a huge crush on this girl and she was drunk and she was so friendly and I didn't even pick up on it. I was too scared to even try and suggest or try and do anything and I had the horrible shame over that then. Then I built this huge thing around sex. It was so uncomfortable. I couldn't even hardly ask a girl out.
Then the first girl I asked out, we moved to Virginia and life got a little bit better. We moved there and I was 16. I asked this girl out who rode the bus with me. She was in eighth grade and, in her parent's words, was still playing with dolls and stuff. I asked her out and the reaction was she never even actually said yes or no, she just didn't say anything. Her parents, they just said that she didn't want to go out with me. They apparently gossiped with my parents and that was another horrible shameful thing that this girl had said no to me. That was the first girl I'd asked out before.
Little did I know, there was a girl on the bus who was her friend that really liked me and I couldn't see it though because she was too pretty. I felt disgusting inside. How could anyone possibly love me, let alone a beautiful young girl? I started dating some in high school and it was amazing. Beautiful girls wanted to go out with me. I look at how I do now and they wanted to go out with me somehow. I'd go out with them and I'd find something wrong with them as fast as possible.
There was this beautiful girl who took me out, gave me just an amazing look. She really looked me in the eyes. No girl I ever remember really looked me in the eyes and she just stared straight in my eyes and I felt my soul light up. She was on her cell phone. We went to see Rat Race. I just criticized her mentally the whole time, went back home so I could play video games and then felt absolutely disgusting about my entire life. I made one bad choice after another in terms of asking girls out. I'd ask a girl out.
I tried to kiss one of my girls that was a friend in high school and she didn't go for it. I was horribly nasty to her, calling her all kinds of names. Then the other one that I was friends with who liked me, wouldn't even notice her, of course. Typical difficult high school sexually. Meanwhile, I'm still stuffing my own magic stick in my pie hole as often as possible. My back continues to just get worse and worse and often it would hurt for days after doing it, and I just couldn't wait until it felt good enough to do it again. Meanwhile, I've got so much horrible shame and secrecy about this. I added on to that, I saw my first porno at 16. I saw my first porno in my family friend's basement at night by myself and I remember being horrified at how big the nipples were on this one lady in the movie. I'm like, "Oh my god, they can be like that?"
Then I remember printing out the Duke Nukem 3D. If you gave the entertainers money, then they would show their boobs. I remember freezing that and printing it out on the printer and then using that for material. I had a real hard time getting ahold of any material until I got into college. Once I went to college, enter my porn addiction. Up until college, I'd hardly even seen more. The first porno I watched was called See-Thru. I'd had almost no exposure because the Internet was just getting started then. Then in college, I started watching a lot of porno. This is where my shame went to a whole new level.
Freshmen year, I was just very innocent. I was like college, just searching, I just wanted a porno to watch and back then, you had to download things illegally. There weren't all these free porn websites like there are now. Apparently, according to the data, the average boy now sees a porno at 10 years old. Ten years old. Remember, all these things I went through and I didn't even see a porno until I was 16. Watching porno really did some amazing sexual shame things to me because I started out pretty normal. I thought I just wanted to see some men and women have sex and put my paws on my magic stick while it was going on.
When you search for things, these were all these illegal download programs back then. You were just downloading files from other people who had them on their computers, so complete Wild West. You had no idea what you were getting into. The file might say "Hot MILF runs into babysitter" or whatever it is and you have no idea, and then dad comes home, and so whatever the name on it actually said, you have no way of knowing what you were getting into. What happened, it was like land mines. Lots of times you'd download things that were just about what you expected and then you'd open up and all of a sudden it was a gay porn. It didn't say anything about being a gay porn when you went to download it, all of a sudden it was just a gay porn.
Well, the first time that happens, well, I just clicked out, "Oh, whoops, I'll just delete that file." What about the second time it happens and you've been drinking. "Well, all right, let me see what these guys are going to do. They've got their magic sticks out. All right, oh, he's fish hooking that one. Slap, oh, all right." Over time this then led to me seeing all kinds of disgusting porn without intending to see it, and often accompanied with drinking. I started drinking in college. Freshmen year I wasn't into porn that much, freshmen year, because I had a roommate. I couldn't watch porn that often, although I was in the middle of it one day … Good thing you can't see the gesture I just did down here.
I wasn't in the middle of it one day and what I'd do, I'd open all my closet doors so that he couldn't come just barge in or anything on me. I open all my closet doors so that I'm in there like I knew exactly when he had class. I'm like, "All right, I got 30 minutes. He's at a class, let' go." I usually would download it then too because I didn't want to have it on my computer, so I'm like, "All right, let me just get a small, like minute or two long file. That's all I need." He comes back from class one day and here I am like just pulling my pants up and stuff, so it's fine, I caught him doing the same thing one time. Freshmen year, I didn't get into porn too much, but I started drinking.
I started drinking alcohol because of sex. I had a girl I met at a residence hall association meeting and I was crazy. I ask like every girl I could find to go out with me. I just always was on the hunt. I wanted to have sex so bad. I wanted to prove on some level I was straight and I wanted to have that validation, so I just was just relentless in college. I asked any girl who'd go out with me. This girl, one night, came over to my room at two in the morning. I hadn't invited her, she was drunk. She just came over to my room. We watched Office Space. My roommate, meanwhile, sat in bed and stared at us. I think he might have been doing a little voyeur thing. We started messing around.
My roommate was watching us so much that I decided we ought to go to the study lounge. It was dark and it had a door you could lock. We went over there and back … I was into safe sex. The one thing that had been drilled into me is you use a condom. Right when we're about to get into it, I tell this girl, "Hold on, I need to go get a condom back from my bedroom, from my dorm room." I didn't think to bring one because I was so pessimistic, I didn't even figure out I could possibly get laid. I didn't think to grab a condom on the way there.
Meanwhile that kills the whole mood for her. She suddenly feels disgusting because, "Oh, you're the kind of girl I need to use a condom with." She's drunk so she sobers up for a minute and she all of a sudden trips into shame because of me trying to be safe, so then she ends up not wanting to do anything. I feel horrible about it. I'm like, "Oh my god, this was the easiest opportunity to have sex and you missed it." I beat myself up day after day over that. Look, you just missed it. It was handed to you right at the beginning of freshmen year, and I was horrible to go on a date with. Like if you didn't make out with me on the third date, I would shame you over it. I'd be like, "What are you, some kind of prude?" I was terrible with girls and trying to get them to do stuff.
At the same time, I was so into video games and pessimistic, I couldn't tell if a girl was just desiring nothing but sex from me. I couldn't even notice it. I had a girl call up one time, she asked what my roommate was doing. I had met her out at the club a week or two before. She asked what my roommate was doing. I said, "What, do you know him?" She's trying to, like, that's code for I want to come over and have sex, and I was playing video games. I was so concerned of the video game, I literally hung up on her and as soon as I realized what I'd done, I'm like, "Oh my god." I called her back and her friends laughed at me because most of us hate being rejected, so after rejecting her, she had to decide that she rejected me, and again, another horrible shame fest.
What ended up happening? I had a friend in ROTC who apparently had a magic stick that was epic and he had inserted his magic stick into this girl who lived upstairs from us. She was older. I think she was a junior or something. When he was down with her, then I ended up talking with her and hanging out with her a few times. Then one night, she's like, "Hey, do you want to come down, I'll hang out with you in your room." My roommate made sure not to be there and out of fear, I thought there's no way, based on all the times I've messed this up and all my sexual issues that I'm going to be able to do this.
I decided out of the blue, knowing even full well that my dad was an alcoholic and that alcoholism ran in my family and even getting through most of freshmen year without having drank, I decided that it would help me have sex if I drank. I knew exactly who my friend went and got me, took me to the store, got me a six pack of Miller High Life, and I got that, so when this girl came down, we had the six pack of the Miller High Life together. I had two and a half beers and we were starting to mess around but two and a half beers felt so good to me that by the end of it, I didn't even care about having sex with her anymore.
After all of these shameful things I've described to you and alcohol made me forget about that, it felt like I'd been restored to god, like I'd been plugged back into belonging to the human race. Again, I mounted another failure up there and continue to get even more frustrated about sex, but then I realized, "Well, alcohol will help this out." Alcohol lowers my inhibitions. Alcohol put me in the right situations to get with girls who are drunk, making bad decisions, even though I made most of the bad decisions. Then so I started drinking.
Now, up till this point, I had just stuck to straight porn and to taking time to myself whenever I could to dismissing, deleting any other type of porn if it came up, and just an occasional moment to myself. Well, sophomore year, I move in, I get my own dorm room, so no more roommate looking at me, and with starting to drink, I have lots of nights out drinking and partying with my friends while I strike out again and again and again.
Guess what happens? I come back to my room lonely. I start looking up a bunch of porn to watch. I downloaded lots of movies and music illegally as well. I started looking up a whole bunch of porn to watch. The more I started accidentally getting porn, the weird, awful, horrible types, and the more drunk I started to get in these situations, the more I started to get interested in all these other disgusting types of porn, horrible porn, things like some Russian rape scene, just bestiality, every kind of nasty porn, just horrible, disgusting, shameful things to watch.
Then I started doing intentionally look for all these different types of porn. I went at it. I wanted to see if I could see all the different types of porn. Back then there weren't as many as I'm sure there are now, and I started to look and explore all these different types of porn. I remember looking for most of the disgusting kinds of porn that you can imagine. The more I did this, the more horrible movies I saw, the more porn I watched, the more I started to feel completely disconnected from the human race, and this is where I started to get suicidal.
Now, I'd yelled at my parents here and there to "I wish I'd never been born" when I got mad, but watching this nasty porn by myself when I was drunk in my dorm room, this started to get me feeling suicidal. I started to routinely think about jumping off that 10-story building that we lived on. I started to routinely think about ways to kill myself on a regular basis. Then I would use porn to escape from that. I would use drinking to escape. I'd use video games.
Then I got some action finally. I had one girl who literally asked to come sleep in my room, and still, I still didn't get it and then she went away quite frustrated after making two different attempts to come sleep in my room. I literally made her sleep in the chair once and then got off the bed another time. Meanwhile, I'd gotten into messing around with my body on a whole new level because I was now having a room to myself. I remember things like using tubes of toothpaste and inserting them into the opposite of my pie hole and seeing how that felt. Then I got into wondering if I really was gay. I had a friend. I even tried to make a little bit of a gay move on him.
But right around the time that I was thinking I must be gay or something, I was sure something was wrong with me, there was a girl, to put it nicely, she was quite overweight. She's been a cheerleader in high school and I got with her six or seven months of beer drinking and sitting at home with her parents later as she went to college. I met her drunk at a party. The next night she came up to my room and I finally lost my virginity. It was actually very anti-climactic. I had my protection and everything and it lasted almost no time at all and it didn't feel good in terms of it felt very hollow. Not the complete satisfaction and joy of making a new life and it felt hollow. It felt more of like what putting my paws on my magic stick felt like. It felt just about the same as that.
I was seeing her for a week or two and she fell out of bed and broke her nose and asked me to come down and take care of her and I laughed at her. I'm like, "Yeah, right." Meanwhile, my friends gave her a nickname starting with fat and ending with her name and my sexuality is a big joke. Now fortunately, my friends didn't think I'd lost my virginity to her because I'd lied to them and told them I'd really lost my virginity to that girl I had a crush on, but now I recently just corrected them on that and they weren't paying very good attention in the first place. They're like, "So?" But I felt bad about lying to my friends like that.
I continued this process going through college, deeper and deeper into sexual shame. I had a very nice … My first great sexual experience, I met a girl at a club on spring break just a few months after my first time having sex and went to her hotel room. We had sex. Me and her and her friend and a random guy I didn't know, we all had sex in the same room. I remember looking over and watching them then having sex for a little while, and I was so grateful that I got the better-looking one. The guy looked like Jesus and I thought of him as Jesus saving me from the ugly friend.
I was completely cold hearted with this girl. I wouldn't give her my phone number, and this was before Facebook, so no phone number, never seeing them again. I rolled on that into my junior year and then once again I got a room by myself and continued deeper and deeper into the porn descent as now one of my other good friends and I started watching porn together and comparing notes. He liked a different kind of nasty, disgusting porn than I did, then his porn bothered me, my porn bothered him, and by the end of the year, I was continuing to go deeper and deeper into being suicidal.
I picked up a gambling addiction around this time too and you put all those together and man, it was quite a handful. By the end of the year, my 21st birthday, I hadn't had sex all year as a junior in college, and I got this idea that you could go in the phone book. I don't know where I got this but then you could look at escort up on the phone book then they would send an escort out to you and you just had to give them a couple of hundred dollars, an escort would have sex with you.
Now, I can't remember where I heard this. I don't remember at all where I heard this but I remember doing it. One night, my friend and I got drunk and we tried to call one together and we asked if they came with a bodyguard and they got freaked out, wouldn't send one, but back then they didn't hardly have caller ID or anything, so I called back on my 21st birthday because I was too hung over to go out and do any drinking. I went to dinner with my friends. I had two drinks and I said, "What I really want to do is have sex tonight."
So they sent over a beautiful escort and I told my friends, I'm like, "Look, go hide in your room. She'll think I'm by myself in here." She asked something like your friends are not here or whatever. They went and hid in their rooms and then I proceeded to just be loud as hell and crazy as hell with it. That got me into realizing I could just pay to have sex and that girls no longer had any power over me because I could simply get some money together and pay for sex. It was that easy. From there, things continue to just get worse.
Then senior year in college, I really circled the drain. All of these issues continued to get worse and worse, and thank god, god sent me a girlfriend. God sent me a girlfriend who took good care of me, kept me certainly from killing myself, and was there to look over me. Finally, I started to build my first healthy relationship with a girl, but by the end of our relationship, that I cared more about my drinking and about my life than I did about her, and soon she broke up with me. That's the first time I actually had a gun to my head and was going to do myself in.
Just a week after she broke up with me, these sex things just ripped me apart. I think that she had been just really desiring me and wanting me and I had been playing video games and drinking and totally ignored her, and I think our relationship completely went downhill after that. From there, when she broke up with me, I could not seem to find … I had deleted the word relationship from my vocabulary. I didn't even know what relationship was and it didn't take long then for me to just go wild.
Up until this point, I'd been responsible sexually. I had used protection every time until with my girlfriend then, she had got on the pill, and then I had started then getting to experience it without that. Well, after her, I was just reckless and the more my life descended into shame, the stupider and stupider I got. The rebound girl after my ex, I literally had sex with her on the very first night, and then once I learned she was doing this with other guys too, then I cut it off with her and I just went to work online dating. I did online dating like it was my job and I sent lots of nasty, stupid messages. I'd lie, I'd say whatever it took to try and get a date with a girl, and man, the universe saved me from a lot of bad situations, a lot of different times. Over the next couple of years, I became a police officer and I was meeting all kinds of beautiful girls and getting into more and more bad sex opportunities.
Finally, I got into one that really took my life into the turning point. For the first time, I started dating a girl at work. I remember the moment I decided to do it. I was sitting at the computer, I was looking, writing a report, and I realized I was a shining star. I was the new guy. I was doing great. I either could be corporal and get a promotion or I could sleep with a girl at work. I said, "Yes, I'll take the girl at work, screw the promotion." Very soon thereafter, I had her over to my place, we got all liquored up, and then we had sex.
From there, my life got real, real ugly because I hadn't dealt with all these issues before. I had basically tried to curb them. I had tried to slow down on my porn watching. I tried to limit watching some of the worst types of porn. I had tried to do all kinds of things to just control things and this went completely out of control. This was the first girl I'd ever been with who I really, really liked, and it was just sad. The girl I thought I was in love with then married and dumped me and got suicidal over is more just to keep me company. This girl, I was insane about her, and two weeks, she had some other thing going with another guy right when I started. We only actually had a one night stand but we had this incredible drama thing go on. Two weeks after our one night stand, I was so mad she wasn't talking to me anymore.
Even though I was a state police officer, I called an escort to come over, and I remember I was drunk out of my mind, completely just trying to hide stuff all over the place. I had police gear all over. I got everything except my breathalyzer hidden, then she came over and she said, "What are you, a cop?" The escort they sent was someone I would never have been with sober. She was way older than me. She was very unattractive and yet this was a kind of "I'm going to just hurt myself" thing. I went through that with her. I said, "Oh, the breathalyzer is mine. I just ordered it to have fun with," which is true, I didn't use that breathalyzer for work. Man, then I was seriously suicidal. I remember just a few days after that, I had a gun to my head sitting on the couch 4:30 in the morning at the DVR thinking, "This is the last thing I'm going to see is this stupid DVR." I tried to pull the trigger and I couldn't pull it. I squeezed it and everything was loaded and ready to go. I mean I'm a police officer. At this point, I knew exactly what to do.
I got frustrated because I had a 10-pound trigger, I couldn't pull the trigger. It wouldn't go off, so I said, "Okay, I'll fix this." I put the hammer back which puts it only to three pounds. I put it back to my head and I tried to pull, again, the trigger wouldn't pull. I put the gun back … My duty weapon. I pulled my duty weapon back down in disgust and laid and cried on the floor like a baby. I called my dad up at work just a couple days later and said, "Dad, I almost killed myself the other night and it's just going to be a matter of time until it happens." My dad came to save me. This was the beginning of getting some healing in my life. This is the beginning of a miracle happening.
My dad came and went out … This was my 25th birthday. My dad came, took me to my birthday, but guess what? The dispatcher wanted back with me; that she wanted back with me and she started texting me. She'd been on a cruise while I'd gotten crazy and suicidal and she wanted back with me because she finally got rid of the other guy in her life. Now, she was available to be with me and she love me. She was crazy about me. She started texting me right when my dad was visiting again several days and then just when I was feeling better, she started texting me. Man, as soon as my dad left, it was right back to … I stayed sober while my dad was there because he was sober from 40 years old on. Man, I got right back into it when he left.
Just two weeks later, I went on this crazy trip with her. I went in this crazy trip with her, and we went out of town, so we only had one night together without all kinds of drama and everything, but no one at work managed to find out about it. Then we went on this crazy out of town trip together with my friends, and oh my God, this was the worst weekend of my life. I had exactly what I wanted and I was so utterly miserable I didn't know what to do. I had a bunch of drama with her. She had a bunch of things happen in her life and my issues brought out her issues, and by the end of the night, she was screaming and crying what a lunatic I was and her parents came from hours away to pick her up in the middle of the night. I remember her screaming at me, "You've got to stop drinking."
I stayed sober two weeks after that. I went right back into it. Then my police chief, my police buddies had started taking me to the strip club. Now, you can see all this is a bad idea for me. I had a little inkling of self-knowledge that maybe you shouldn't go in the strip club. My police buddies, I went along with them. I dropped a thousand dollars in the champagne room one of the first nights I was there, and then I was on a police officer salary. I didn't have much money. That was like a half month's pay. Then she didn't even put her hands on my magic stick for a thousand dollars.
Guess what? I figured, "Well, let me do it again." I went another night, went up there with my police buddies. A stripper, then she said, "I am really horny and I'll do whatever you want." Man, did she. We actually got caught right when my magic stick was in her pie. We got caught in the middle of the room, this girl walks in who works there trying to ask us if we need anything and she's like … I'm like, "What? Not like you've never seen this once before here?" Thankfully, by this time, like I'd said, I had a lot of practice about putting my magic stick away quick. Within like five seconds, there was a bouncer in there and guess what? I'm sitting there looking like I didn't do anything wrong. We still then got to go through with it. Right in the booth I think they fired her though because then she never worked there anymore.
Just two weeks after that, I lost my mind about this stripper. I was texting her and calling her. She actually came over and she told me about her sick, dark past because I asked about it. That was another one of those God moments. So then the night after she came over, there was this security guard. I had her come over. I lied to her and told her that I would marry her and give her a child. Now, she was totally unattractive. I didn't like her at all. She didn't even like me that much. We're just bored and alone and I went through that. Guess what? The next day, I got a god-awful hangover. We're going to get a plan B pill together. That was taking me into a place. Finally, thank God, the police department started to get all of these things together, like complaints one night. I was talking at some girl on Facebook that I had met on the job asking her to come hang out with me. Meanwhile, I'm like raging with my gun to my head, just absolutely insane and sick.
Thankfully, the police department let me go. Now, my first instinct, I'd thought about it a thousand times, "If they let me go, I'm going to go HAM on all of them. This whole place is going to burn." Thank God, I realized I could either drink and die that night or I could call my parents. I called my parents and I went home and I moved home with them. I made sure to get another escort before I moved home with them. Man, the shame you pile on doing these things over and over and doing all kinds of nasty things with an escort, whoa. Actually, I got some kind of infection. I think they didn't even know what it was at the doctor. It was fast, too. It was within like two days, my whole body was messed up. Thank God, the antibiotics worked.
This is while I am moving back in with my parents. I moved back in with my parents like this. Over the next 10 months living with my parents, there was a vet school. Right where my parents lived, there were a bunch of young girls who were single. I went out with and went through a good portion of the vet school; having girls that really liked me, girls that just wanted a good time and were bored between class, and all kinds of girls. I finally, once I moved home with my parents, I understood the word relationship. I had a girlfriend that I met at Thanksgiving. My mom introduced us, brought her friend over from vet school, and yeah, that took like a week. By this point, I'd gotten really good at converting interested girls into my bed and then getting rid of them.
By this time, I realized moving back in with my parents, I better clean up my porn viewing habits. By this time, I had stopped downloading porn illegally, realizing that there's all kinds of bad things that could happen from that. I just had a little porn collection at that point that I watched other than free porn. Finally, thank God I moved to graduate school. I got so needy. I went to visit this one girl before grad school. I took this road trip and I was insane. I went to visit this girl from high school. I drunk drove across the country just out of my mind. Thank God I was so needy, I got this girl. She was needy to be my girlfriend. Right when I moved into grad school, I was terrified of being alone. I moved in and I had this feeling she was so nosy, like I better destroy my nasty porn collection.
Thank God I destroyed my nasty porn collection there and I felt a big sense of relief then and yet I still watched free porn on a daily basis even with a girlfriend who had sex with me on a daily basis. Maybe I didn't watch porn everyday but it was pretty often. I realized, I remember looking at the screen one day watching porno thinking, "I might have to do something about this in the future." Yeah, you think? So then right after this, right after breaking up with her, then I met my wife. Thank God, that was just the angel I needed.
The problem is all these things I had weren't going away. I was in the habit of fantasizing relentlessly about every girl for … I was in the habit of watching porno. I was in the habit of masturbating. How do you just stop these things just because you've met the girl of your dreams? Well, at first, things slowed down a lot and I just was so excited about her that I behaved better. Then once we moved in together and I started drinking more and more, then I got back into watching porno when I was drunk and at night by myself, and then I started looking at all these websites. Even though my wife was as giving and perfect as you can imagine, I started looking at all these websites, looking for escorts, and really, it was a desire to die.
I realized one day after years of living like this with my wife … It didn't start out like that. By the end of it, like one day we had had sex and then I ended up doing it myself twice that night while I was drinking and watching porn and I realized you are just about to do something unforgivable. Thank God, because my bachelor party, I told my friends no strip club for my bachelor party. They had strippers over. There was more shame piled on there, drinking beer off of the strippers, having the strippers all over us. Thank God they didn't do anything more than just that.
Then my friend's bachelor party, going to strip club again, more shame, feeling horrible about touching on another woman, and then all of this building up. Finally, the last night I drank, I'm sitting there looking at these escorts online and then I woke up the next day and I realized you're going to actually do that one time. Thank God you haven't done it yet, but you're going to do it one night when you get drunk. How did I know? Because I gambled online that night. I swore I'd never gamble online. There's a whole section coming up on that. I realized if I could gamble online, that one night I was going to do something really stupid and unforgivable and then with absolute certainty, I would kill myself.
I remembered my experience before nearly killing myself, even though that girl and I hadn't been date- … We just had a hook up. We didn't have any agreement. I realized, "You're going to kill yourself. You're absolutely going to kill yourself and it might be the next time you drink. The next time you drink may be the last time you drink." I prayed, I said, "God, please, I'll do anything to stay sober," because at this time, I tried to stay sober. Lots of times I'd tried and I couldn't do it. Thank God, I went to Alcoholics Anonymous. After that prayer, I thought, "Well, Alcoholics Anonymous might include anything." I went there and thank God, the guys there saved my life. They saved my marriage. I would not be here with you today without those guys. Those guys guided me on how to get healing about all these sexual stuff.
The key is you've got to talk about it. You got to look at it. You got to get all these stuff out in the open. You got to look at it, put it in the light. You got to put it in the light and let it be healed. I talked to guys who'd been … Their fathers had abused them sexually. I talked to guys who got caught at work being with another guy. I have amazing guys in my life who love me and shared their stories with me and they finally got me to open up. I'd finally told one of my friends one day after a meeting, after there was a joke something relating to having inappropriate sex. I realized I needed to tell him and work my fifth step which is where you confess the nature of your wrongs to another human being.
I realized I needed to talk to him and I told him a lot of these stuff here I've told you. I wasn't aware of some of the things at that time I told you, and this is where massive healing started for me. This is where a miracle happened in my life. Right around the time I did that, I realized that after I took some time to won't look at porn, after I took some time to put my paws on my magic stick or stuff at my pie hole, that I felt horrible after doing that. Thank God, I prayed and then at the end of 2014, the last time I put my paws on my magic stick and used it all the way was in an appropriate environment medically, let's just put it that way.
So then to make sure that I was fertile, I did it at the fertility clinic, and I said, "This is the last time I'd do that." I don't want to do this anymore. This is not good for me." Thank God, I talked to so many of the guys because I felt horrible shame. I talked to the guys about my past and they told me their past. Many of them not even experiencing these things until they got sober, and then they got into these things as side addictions and they healed me. I told them every single thought I had. I shared my shameful thoughts with them. I said, "Why is it I've never been unfaithful to my wife, and yet why do I think about it all the time?' They told me and they said … They helped me, they loved me. They told me to pray about it.
They guided me to a rector, he's like a priest. I did confession with him and after telling him about what happened to me as a child and getting in trouble, he said, "Well, usually these things started earlier," and that's when I consciously remembered the very thing I told you about the babysitter. I didn't even remember it until then. Then he guided me through. He said, "Now, picture these things and see that Jesus was there with you. All of a sudden, there wasn't this horrible, disgusting environment. It wasn't this horrible, disgusting memory.
All of a sudden, Jesus was there, too. That I was given these assets so that I might go out and help someone else. That I could share my experience, say, "Look, I have a really good healthy, peaceful sex life today. That I am lucky to be disease-free, to be happy, to not watch porn and do it myself anymore; to have a wife that loves me." I did get tested to make sure I was disease-free. I did get tested before I met my wife, thank God. I'm very lucky I didn't pay the price that way. I'm very grateful to be here to share this with you today. I've went through a lot of pain over these things. I went through a lot of struggle and suffer over these things. I've been miserable over these things. I've drink, I've gambled.
I have had horrible experiences after a shameful experience about these things and I share all these things here with you today so that you might heal, that you might not feel alone with all your things, that you will take the steps you need to heal, and that I heal with you. We all heal together. That you may go seek out the help you need whether it's a counselor, a priest, a friend, a 12 step program, so that you can be free of all the things like this in your life, or if you don't have issues like this in your life, that you can be loving and understanding for someone in your life that does, because if you don't have these things yourself, someone in your life absolutely does and more than likely they've never told you about them.
When you see these things, when you see all the things that happen out in the world, I pray, I hope sharing my experience here with you about this is useful. That's why I've done this. I've done this because we need people who are willing to tell the truth about these kind of things and not lie and not minimize them and not hide them and not try and look good, but to sit there and tell you, show you the ugliness, show you how all these things happened, show you being the victim first, so to speak, and then taking that on as a role and carrying that in through all the different ways that life puts in front of you.
Finally, having some grace, praying to God for help and taking the help on a daily basis. This is a part of my healing. This is a part of my recovery, to have the courage to talk about these things with you because I have a beautiful family today and I want to keep it that way. I want to have a healthy life. I want to be able to share with my children, I want to be able to show them what it looks like to be healthy because you can't give what you don't have. It's very important to me to have health in this area. I'm grateful. I have felt like a healthy normal person in this part of my life over the last two years and I thank God for that.
I thank all of the men, especially, but the women, too, who took the time to share all these kinds of things with me mostly in Alcoholics Anonymous meetings. They gave me the courage to go put this out there for you so that you may be empowered to go forward and carry this message on in your life. Thank you very much for listening with this with me today. I'm honored you're here. I'm very grateful for this time we spent together and I wish you have a magnificent day and a beautiful life with freedom from these kinds of things I've shared here. Thank you.