Dependent Variable
(The science of Love)
I’ve become convex after being concave for too long
As we bond like hydrogen to oxygen
I need you to be complete
Before we can be one
Big happy
Illusion
I may be dreaming of a simpler life
He says, I love you,
I’m sorry
It just feels right, in the throes of passion
The dark of night
But do you know,
I love how you feel
Under my fingertips
Lip to lip
The subtle movement of our hips
Sometimes, I sit under the running water of the faucet and reflect into the pool of my thoughts as tears well up inside of me
Sometimes, I turn on the faucet of my soul and release the flood of emotions that have been repressed, oppressed by the overbearing nature of a neglectful parental authoritarian societal structure
And I wonder,
How can you be there, without being here?
I can’t comprehend the absence of care, the lack of desire to be near
Let it go, whispers the wind as it whips through the willows
Cherry blossoms drop into the flowing river washing away
My consciousness streaming into a better place
Where we stand
Hand in hand
It’s not you, it’s him
I once dreamed
The image more beautiful than my reality
I wished that it could be
I trusted you would be
Broken promises turn against me
Is this too good to be true? I sigh,
Whatever would I do without you?
I would be trapped in my mess
Overwhelmed, obsessed
Scatter minded, bouncing from one idea to another
Why bother?
But with you, I find myself melting
Into a puddle on the floor, crying,
I can’t take much more
Here you stand, hand in hand
Holding me up
Giving me stability, offering security
Please, just let me be
I draw into my shell
Whisper, oh well, it was swell
But who could ever love me,
When I’m this angry ball of fury
Feeling like I may explode
Into nothingness
Don’t touch me
I’m hot
Trying to escape from this fire
Past desire
Stoked by a liar
Entitled, selfish, brat
How have I stooped so low
Forced to fight solo
To hold up this load
Why can’t I be better by standing alone?!
I want to want you, not need you
I want my desire to flow free
Feel only the empathy
Pie
Warming my soul
As we both feel
Full
You give and I take, how can I pour from this empty cup for you today
When I gave my all to just staying strong against the flood of thoughts
And today I think, it is not time to remove myself from this physical world, I must stay in it a little longer
Sometimes the mental anguish is greater than I can handle alone
It hurts to breathe
I just want to stop
The blue of my veins bleeds red
Coagulating into the shape of me across the ground
The only trace left to be found
Goodbye
Everything sucks
And everyone dies
Stick a needle through the eye
Of every broken lie
Empty promises
Built up callouses
Trust no one
Fuck you
I’m not dwelling on the past
That shit is my present, I’m just trying to outlast
The memories
Luggage tied to me like dated accessories
Weighing me down with all of the treachery
Today, I’m angry, frustrated by the energy
Of noncompliance, opposition, a battle of our will
Powerless struggles lead to downfall
As the other shoe drops
Everything stops
Pick up the pieces
Work the puzzle
See the greater image
The illusion presented
Is it real?
It is real frustrating
To be unable to trust your own body
I know that I have the muscular development to lift, bend and move like others
But in practice, my body fails me
It is frustrating
How often others assume they know who I am by looking at me
Fuck you
Don’t think I have some perfect life because of the color of my skin
I’m bright-skinned, not white
I’ve lived one step from the street, I’ve had to fight
And it wasn’t right, when I was forced from my home
Heavy with the presence of another child
My first three wild from their struggle just to survive all that life dealt their innocent little spirits
And I don’t want to fuckin’ hear it
But maybe I’m too broken
Forced into the world of reality too soon
Treading, head barely above the water, chokin’
The words amplified in the silence, left unspoken
I love you
I want you
You are not alone
I am here
It’s going to be okay
Lies! Lies! Lies!
It was never okay
Even if I play pretend
with my imaginary friend
Weak connection
You’re going in and out
I’m losing signal
Dead
And maybe, I’m just too broken
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