This video kind of defines the kind of person I have become, I apologize for not posting as often as my introduction otherwise may of lead to something brighter and more promising...
But dealing with depression while broke is well BAD like really bad, for example waking up to realized the few seconds before reality comes crashing down on you how good it feels to open your eyes, the morning light a soft bed you just laid for 6-8 hours depending how much sleep one gets and then, BOOM! it hits you.
Coming from a broken home and raised by a single parent who did everything they could on their but at the same time having a complete misguidance of the world and refusing to just live the usual routine life any single mother does such as GET a job support your family and get CHILD support from the father but NOPE, My mother was a person with to much ambition but at the same time stupidity for not doing things right and only making things worst but still admirable the lengths she went for her family and she could not get child support from my father because the bastard was from Mexico and could not cross over here and pretty much stayed over there so I was raised in a broken home on food stamps and medicare lol if you can even call it getting the worst kind of medical care since we can't afford the more EXPENSIVE health insurances that are well WORST now, and eventually my mother got a chance from a USDA funded program giving chances to people of low income to move into a bigger brand new build from the ground up home, however to me after so many years doing research and realized that well it was just a disgusting financial fraud attempt to just get more people into DEBT not to mention the lousy contractors that used the worst of materials building a home that is only going to be around for probably 6-8 years Unfortunately my mother passed away during my most crucial teenage years that I needed parental guidance and not having anyone to look up to, dealing with my own mental problems dealing with been molested at 13 at a private school and ended up hating religion because of it.
So she passes on I flunk HIGH school and forced to get a lousy GED missed my chance to go to college and made something out of my life and only realized just how cruel the world is, filled with more asshoes than kind people because from those group of ASSHOES there are the leeching parasitic kind that are just plain LAZY and disgustingly worthless that only live off the good will of those people that PITTY them and help them only to just be taken advantage off, IVE SEEN, HEARD these stories and they just sicken me that its the reason why so many are now unwilling to open themselves up to help those in need, its just been me and siblings looking after each other because my mother's family (ie My aunts and uncles) had already destroyed their own unionships since they were in their golden years, I never had the help from any of them or my cousins because after my mother's funeral one of my uncles tried killing my older sister Ive had strangers shown more MERCY than my own flesh and blood....I AM ALONE my father's side of the family all reside in Mexico and all his other bastard children don't give two shits about me nor his siblings, I have no grandparents either they died during the time that my mother dealt with a depression worst than my own and she felt the sting of been alone but at least she had us, unfortunately it was not enough she too pass on and I tried killing myself several times but yet the good lord decided to spare me and never send his trusty Grim reaper to take me away, WHY!? I DON't ENJOY BEEN ALIVE lol it SUCKS!
And certainly this is one of the reasons WHY i don't want to have a family of my own, have KIDS because I am a failure at everything, and there is no way I want to pass this down to anyone, just DIE alone and END that cursed chain cycle of misery with me on my death bed or if the good lord decides to call me anytime now it will be just swell.
Sorry all but this is the true me right now, this depression its perfectly natural when all you have is siblings whose lives are falling apart around you and one of your parents is dead, the other FAR FAR away and could not give two shits about you, your grandparents are dead, and have no relatives that do not want anything to do with you and just keep their distance and the world itself seems like they will be better off without you...
And watching this video just makes me feel worst but accurate of how the entire state of the world in the economic department is doing, GOD I haven't been to a medical facility for a check up, Dental wise it fucking hurts dealing with cavities and fracture that hurts more than the fucking BILL after treatment I DON't HAVE 400 FUCKING $$$ for this my house is falling apart and I can barely replace a lousy door knob because I did not had a FATHER in my life to teach me THINGS! lol Its a Miracle I even learned how to drive well as embarrassingly as it seems I didn't get my drivers license till I was 22 because well my mom was just to BUSY making plans and breaking plans and NO she wasn't those people that went to BARS and dated men left and right she was to proud and independent for that, instead she did dated a few illegal aliens to have a tactical advantage of superiority to make them feel dependent on her to help their legal status lol I could go ON but I don't want to bored any of you if anything the hour long video will take your eyes from my pathetic attempts at socializing by talking a lot about myself and NOT what this blog was ideal meant for -___-.
If anything it might make things worst after I post this but I don't care I NEED to vent out and not feel all choked up I am ashamed of myself -,- I am still addicted to FUCKING facebook, damn devils I HATE fucking Hilary Clinton and I SAW her fucking husband staring at me with a disgusting smirk as a frecking mannequin was trying to have SEX with me! talk about awkward but I think that was just SAD, very sad lol of course its more like a mockery of my own sad life I am not anti-social but having to LEAVE my hometown on the account of fearing for my life because the way my own mother's was taken away was through murder cleverly disguised as an ACCIDENT so my brother came to rescue me and my sister, moved a town a way and then another town a way the year after and suddenly I find myself living in the boonies, been a complete STRANGER and just plain not fitting in 6 years later I am still alone because I have fallen away in the times and almost feel like a ghost that do not exist and people simply look through me and not at me.
In conclusion I am hoping you all see the video more than this mess, sure my writing sucks thats what happens when nobody has faith in me, or a broken system that failed to take notice and aid in my education or because I never had anyone to look up to for inspiration, never had anything special happen in my life, only constant disappointments happening one after another and unfortunately its taking a toll on my own health...after all I am only mortal and this weak husk of a body can only take so much abuse before eventually it takes notice and becomes self aware and decides to slowly and painfully breakdown on me -,- LIFE....it burns for those who are not ready to handle the FIRES of reality, PEACE.