On the other side of nothing, there is everything...
And, indeed, everything is what I found when I plunged into the abyss of nothingness...
In this article, I will continue sharing how my five-day silent meditation retreat has impacted my life. If you missed it, here is the first part of this account: My First Meditation Retreat: What Happened When I Gave Myself the Gift of Silence (Part I)
Since I arrived back home from this retreat I really couldn't continue my routine as I had been diligently creating in the previous weeks. Something was going on inside, yet I couldn't put my finger on what it was.
Something in me wanted to break free, while my mind was questioning itself more and more. I literally couldn't bring myself to do almost anything I was mentally planning. I couldn't force myself, and I couldn't understand what was going on with me.
On Wednesday I simply had a meltdown. I found myself in a familiar state, that of resisting and rejecting my own reality, refusing to participate in anything my mind had meticulously organized for me. I was in bed, shattered, in tears...
I was rebelling against something, possibly against this tyrannical control my mind was attempting, time and time again, to enforce upon my being.
Wasn't a meditation retreat supposed to make it all better, rather than worse?! one might wonder...
In fact, the friend I decided to reach out to asked me the same question. I didn't know how to respond, but my intuition was gently whispering:
Bristena, you've been through this before. Your being is transforming. This process goes beyond your current capacity to mentally comprehend, and even though it's scary, you have to step into the fire of the unknown, and let it burn everything that is untrue. Surrender to the process, you know you are safe and held by the divine.
My friend, after listening to my existential drama, asked the simplest of questions:
Bristena, what do you need right now? What does your inner child need right now?
That question hit me like a ball in the head. Damn, why didn't I think about that? That's such a freaking good question.
I need a hug, I need to be around my dear friends...
And so I reached out to a couple of good friends. God bless true friends, for they stand between you and insanity.
After being in such a hermit mode, delving so deep into the contents of my own consciousness, having gained so much awareness of my internal workings, I had neglected genuine human contact...
I wanted to isolate myself. I wanted to take myself on a journey. I answered this call of my soul to spend some quality time in solitude, getting to know myself on a deep, intimate level... It felt like an essential process I had to immerse myself in, and there was no getting away from it anymore...
But now it was time to emerge out into the world again and be in community.
The other night I spend with one of my best friends, Oscar, who is an incredible musician. We had a really good jamming session and made music to some of my lyrics. These are some of the notes I scribbled down, as an influx of insights was washing over me.
I'm becoming aware of what I was struggling to be aware of. Ah, at last! My mind has loosened up, its rigid boxes have dissolved and there is now more space for my heart to freely throw itself into the heart of life. I feel free to follow the real me, not the me that my mind wants me to be.
But that takes a lot of courage. The true self is emerging now, as I write these words. I feel it, it's so raw and pure. Finally, I am breathing again...
It is to be expected that the logical mind will doubt my heart's initiatives as I'm stepping more into my feminine, chaotic, watery, adaptable, flexible self. I am dispersing myself all over myself, melting the hard ice, dropping deeper into a relaxed and guided existence.
Follow your crazy, lose your mind, be the real you, your true self, let it emerge, it is so connected in the moment with the depth of your soul, and gives voice to it in physical form.
There is no true recipe, no manual, no roadmap. It's all just between you and your higher self, in any given moment. What choice are you making right now? To honour who you truly are and want to be, or what you think you should be?
My imagination has exploded. And I have to write now, it happens naturally. It is flowing out of me. I don't have to make it happen, the way I was pressurising myself before.
What did writing get turned into? A mental exercise, a following of an order, rather than a wildly creative outpouring, and now it has been unleashed, my imagination broke wide open and streams of insights are pouring into my being.
Nothing to edit, nothing to polish. The most complete and utter ecstatic release. A profound sigh of the mind. A relaxation into pure beingness.
Presence is the greatest present received recently, questioned in so many ways by the doubting mind but nonetheless, I got lured by its seductive beckoning whisper.
This is the real deal, the radically, almost brutally honest post, not written by the mind, but by the soul.
Breaking through artificial barriers. It's simple now, because it can be easily explained. The mind is now understanding itself better from the prism of the heart.
Oh, my beloved heart, I am sorry for having caged you again... Yet another lesson in self love?
Universe, please send me more, I know I'm shooting towards the stars and beyond now.
Finding so many ways of understanding my mind and my journey, putting fragmented pieces together, deflating the energetic tightening that has occurred recently. My being is breathing again and is shape-shifting itself into a more evolved, synthesized configuration.
People flourish in the light of undivided attention and loving compassion
The more you hold space for someone, the more they can blossom into their most genuine and healing self-expression. The more presence you hold, the greater a master you are. For yourself, others and the whole world.
Three chords and the truth.
I'm singing my truth and singing with grace: My true self is emerging, and loves to dare and shine!
All pictures are sourced from Pixabay or are mine.
Thanks for taking the time to read about my experiences and insights. It means a lot to me if any of this resonates or touches your heart in any way.
If you enjoyed this article, or if you have experience with meditation and its impact on your life, I would love to hear your thoughts in the comment section below.
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Be You, Be Wild, Be Free!
Bristena
#DiaryOfAFreeSpirit