I wanted to get started on this asap since it's really something I could write a book about.
You can find the original 
When do I know when it's time to give up?
First of all: I don't give up easily. And from what I know about most of the passengers on the
We're a big bunch of 'not-giver-uppers' and I guess that's one of the reasons why we all connect so well.
I'm like a pit bull. I'll bite myself into a project, goal or even a person and won't give up trying to achieve what I had my mind set on if I believe in it. And that's where the answer lies: I have to believe in it. As soon as I don't believe in something or someone anymore, I will drop it faster than it or he/she came into my life. But this doesn't mean I didn't try everything I could to hold on before this. In fact: it takes quite a bit of effort to get me to stop believing in something or someone. I think that this is my strength and at the same time, it's also my weakness.
Relationships
When I left the States and went back to Holland (I don't say: 'went home', because it never felt like home) it was I was pregnant and my relationship with my (then) husband wasn't perfect, to say the least. He was an alcoholic, and even though I had two alcoholics and one regular drinker in my family, I didn't recognize his illness as such.
He didn't drink for weeks, but then would binge-drink for days to weeks and I always thought that alcoholics had to drink every day. I was wrong. And I was naive to think that my pregnancy could change this. Of course they didn't, it made it worse. So after being with that man for 2 1/2 years, and married for 6 months, I decided to leave him while I was 3 months pregnant with our daughter. But even then, I didn't give up on him and our marriage completely. I gave an ultimatum: if he wanted to be in our lives and save our marriage, he could straighten up his act and either follow us to Holland or get us back to the US, legally. This was another reason for my departure from the country: I was illegal, and every time I tried to get the papers done to change that, 'something' came up. I was working, despite my immigrant status, and he was working, so there were really no excuses. However, he always found one not to do it. Now I know it was because he thought I would leave him once my papers went through, and he was probably right, but not for the reasons he thought. I didn't marry him for the green card, but the green card was one of those things that needed to happen for us to be together. I don't even want to know what could have happened if I had decided to have our daughter there. I know I did the right thing.
Anyway, our daughter was born, and in the beginning, he was happy, and even tried to get and keep a job in his home-town and it seemed like he was doing the things that needed to be done to get us there.
Then there were periods in which I didn't hear from him or couldn't reach him. Sometimes weeks, sometimes months.
When my daughter was 22 months old, I managed to get enough money together to fly us to the US to see if our marriage still could be saved. It was a trip and visit from hell and that should have told me something. However, it took another 2 years for me to finally realize that there was nothing left to fight for. I had to let go. It took another couple of years before the divorce was final.
Friends and family
I won't drag you through all of my messy break-ups (they're not that many either LOL), but I will share the reasons why I came to Ireland. The father of my two kids in the middle (number 2 and 3) went from perfect to not so perfect after my youngest daughter was born. Not long after our son was born, he went from 'not so perfect' to 'completely nuts'. After one relationship with a narcissist you would think I had learned my lesson, but no...
He and his parents (especially his mother) were toxic. There was a good reason why he was the way he was, and that reason was his parents. His father had pretty much no say in anything and his mother was a manipulating witch that always wanted to have things her way. We had to do two Christmasses, because 'that's how they used to do it when her kids were young', one at our house and one at theirs. The presents the kids got at their house, didn't come from Santa, but they clearly had to come from them. As if the kids were going to remember those presents. The clothes they bought for them were only to be worn at their house, and the kids couldn't bring them home. It was crazy. And that's only the tip of the iceberg. The rest of the story would require a book.
When my son was 10 months old, I decided to pull the plug on that relationship. He had betrayed my trust and on top of that, he was accusing me of things I didn't do. They became even more toxic.
When one of my best friends moved to Ireland, I was already playing with the thought of going too. Not long after that, we did.
It wasn't because I didn't try everything I could to make things work. I promise you: I did. But the more I thought about it, the more I knew that he and his family would ruin our lives if we didn't go. So we did. I never regretted leaving. It's probably the best thing I could have done. The court case that followed was proof of that. I won, by the way. By telling the truth, while he tried to win by lying and playing dirty tricks. But there is one thought that never left me: how would the result have been if we had still been in the country? Totally different ball-game.
Ireland
Ireland was only supposed to be a short stopover that turned into something else. There were times when I really thought I could make things work here. And I did. I made new friends, had my friend from Holland here and we were living in a nice house. We still are. But then one friend moved to Holland with her Dutch husband and kids, and the other moved across the country. I fell into a black hole and whatever I did, I kept falling back. It was time to make other plans and leave this place behind. And that's where we are now: after 8 years of good times but also bad times, it's time to move on.
The things I will never give up on
Over the years, I've had quite a few things and people I bit myself into. And as you can read above, it can take quite some time for me to let go. Then there were also things I let go of a bit easier. Like my waterbirth business here in Ireland. It was quite easy to determine that this was something that worked in the Netherlands but didn't here. People go to the hospital here to have babies, period. At least most do, and those who don't...well it's not worth my time and effort to stick with the business just for them.
But there are always things or people I will never give up on. Like my family. Two of my siblings have done things that could have been a reason to give up. But even though it is keeping me at a safe distance now, and I know what I can and can't tell them, I will never give up on them completely. They're my brother and sister after all.
And then there is this other thing I will never give up on. It's the knowledge that somewhere, someday there will be a place that we call home. Someday. Just not now. Right now, wherever I am with my kids, that's home. It's not bound to a place.
I'm sure there are also times when I gave up too quickly. Like some school subjects. Latin was one of them. I have regretted not keeping that any longer and trying a bit harder. And I'm sure there are things I could have given up sooner but decided not to. But it doesn't matter, it's all a learning experience, whichever choices we make.
Thank you for reading!
