Confessions of a People Pleaser...

Oh why is he not smiling at me?
Did I do something wrong?
Did I not dress up like he wanted?
Or is it something wrong I said?
He hasn't uttered a word of admiration to me..
Oh this is killing me inside..
If only he would just tell me I look good enough, I am good enough..

Oh why does she not agree with me?
Is she mad at me?
Is it because I went against her just once?
Or is it because I dared disagree with her?
Or is it because I did not run an errand for her?
If only she would speak to me nicely and tell me I am her best friend...

Oh what can I do to make him happier with me?
What if I let go of my desires and work harder to please him?
Or how about I earn more for him?
Or how about I stop pursuing my passions and give him all of my time..
Maybe then he would tell me I'm his queen..
Maybe then he would tell me he'd never leave me alone..

Today I did everything as they wanted...
I dressed up nicely just like he wanted..
I ran all her errands for her..
I did not go against them..
I was on my toes all day long..
I did not say anything wrong and said all the right words..
Even then, they hate me..
Even then, they haven't spoken nicely to me..
Oh how bad this hurts..
How i feel pained and lost..
Oh why is this so bad..
Oh why...

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I know I am not a poet and am not good at it at alll like I know how bad I am at writing poems and even rhyming plain stuff so I get it that what I wrote above wasn't good, but it came straight from my heart. It describes my feelings and emotions that I nurtured and experienced deeply sometime back. Yes, I was once a people pleaser and had gone so overboard with it that it hurt me real bad. I was living a life that was hardly my own. A life that I lived mainly to keep others around me happy. A life that I had no control over. A life I was just living mechanically and that killed me from within.

If I am really honest with myself and all of you, getting approval and appreciation from others and being acknowledged for good things is a part of my personality. I like being heard, getting validation and credit for my work and being the one people come to for advice because I enjoy and love listening to people, am a pretty good listener and a great secret keeper. I explored myself a lot for that and realized that keeping people happy, listening to them and being appreciated for being a compassionate being is a part of me and I am fine with it.

While that is who I am, I had turned into a person who just lived for others and ignored all her own needs and I basically used that as a criterion to measure a good life. If I ever dared say no to those whom I wanted to please, I ended up feeling really bad. It wasn’t that those people used to complain often. I had somehow nurtured the belief that if I do anything differently or don’t do them a favor, they would get mad. I was creating all sorts of weird beliefs in my head. Yes, people did become offended and weren’t always nice to me if I didn’t do as they wanted, but it wasn’t always that way. Often, my own thoughts were the reason why I didn’t feel at peace and that happened because I had developed a strong need to always be approved, always be appreciated and always told ‘What would we do without you Sharoon!’

Because of my own unhealthy beliefs and thoughts, I was forcing myself to be a person I really wasn’t and was always working to please others. Oh God, how burdened and pressured I feel at that time. I had developed an addiction to be liked, to be relied on, to be the one others could depend on and get praises in return. It was like I was looking for ways to do anything nice for others just so they could know how amazing I was. It may sound silly to you right now, but honestly that was how I was functioning and although I felt I enjoyed all of that and that was who I really was, it wasn’t really true. Yes, I liked to be heard and appreciated like I stated before but I had become a person who had stopped taking into account what she really wanted and just wanted to prove myself to others for no real reason. When I think back of all those times, I now realize that was why I felt really stressed and cried a lot as well not in front of others but when I was alone.

Fortunately, I came across meditation and mindfulness at that time and were able to use the two to really explore myself and understand who I really was and what was happening to me. I started paying attention to what I was doing and how that was affecting me from within, and whether or not I really wanted to please people all the time. It took me sometime to understand my unhealthy addiction and then very slowly let go of it. This meant that I had to become comfortable with when people sulked if I didn’t do what they wanted and I had to understand that I wasn’t living to please others. For instance, if I didn’t do a favor for a certain friend who had a bad habit of misusing me, I had to be alright with her sulking for a while. I had given that power to influence me and now that I wanted to be myself, I had to withstand her sulks and understand that it is okay if she feels upset for a while when things don’t go her way.

For some days, things weren’t as stable as they used to be because I was changing and changes do bring instability with them and I had to be okay with that. However, I stayed consistent and kept going forward. I stayed strong throughout that time and stopped feeding myself of the constant supply of appreciation I needed from people to stay sane. It was a hard time for me, but the silver lining came soon enough too. Within a few months, I liberated myself of that addiction and came closer to being myself. I am still nice to people and do good things to them, but I don’t just do that just to please them or just because I want them to rely or depend on me. I do that because I want to do good things for people and only when I really want to do something nice for someone. This has brought a huge sense of calmness in my life and also helped me create time for the things I really wanted to do such as writing blogs and reading more.

I don’t know if any of you can relate to that, but it was something I felt I needed to let out. Do share your thoughts on the topic please. Thank you for all your support and love.

Love and light,

Sharoon