Surely I'm not the only one. Perhaps you, too, feel like an adult impersonator.
Do you look around at the other adults and think, um, I am clearly not properly adulting here? Do you feel like there is some secret you weren't let in on? Do you still love fart jokes and silly faces? Would you rather swing than, well, pretty much anything else? Do you regularly find yourself thinking that playing with kids' toys is one of the best parts of having children?
It's not that I'm not responsible. I am. I may, in fact, be overly responsible in that I totally and completely overthink everything and strive to constantly be all things to all people. Except of course when I totally lose it and turn into a raging lunatic. Those are my two states of being: pretending really hard to have my shit together and totally ballistic. Ok, I may be exaggerating a tiny bit.
It has more to do with the idea you have in your head as a child of what a grown up is. Do you remember what you thought of adults as a child? They have their shit together and always handle all the things. As a child you can relax and play knowing everything is in relatively perfect order. Well, I don't have jack shit in perfect order, unless we want to dive into an existential conversation on the perfect order of chaos. I also have very few things handled before the very last minute.
Adults also get to do whatever they want. Again, this is not my life. I saw a meme the other day that said adulthood is having the “we have food at home” conversation with yourself. It's also having the “you can't go out with your friends because you have work to do” conversation with yourself. Me, myself, and I had this conversation earlier.
Who told us these lies? Why do adults maintain this illusion with children about what being a grown up is? Maybe because it's depressing. Maybe we don't want our kids to know how tentative it all is. Maybe we know it's supposed to be different, and we're embarrassed that it isn't. Maybe we don't want to admit that kids have it right, and we are the ones going about it all wrong.
I only know I still feel like I am floundering and have no clue how any of this really works. I really do sense we are going about it all wrong. I also sense we are on our way to fixing it, but we don't seem to know quite how to get there. I know I don't. My best clue is that I think it somehow involves living in community. Pretty sure it involves smashing the patriarchy and demolishing global capitalism. I think we are supposed to play more and struggle less. I think we are supposed to trust things will work out and that it's all handled. I think we were supposed to stay kids.
Much love, y’all!
As always, all pics are mine or pixabay unless otherwise noted.
