We all know how passionate I am about kids and their rights and freedom. It's my thing. You know, everyone has something they get passionate about. For me it's kids and education.
When we first started the school we had in Asheville, I was sort of surprised that we attracted certain types of parents. One that surprised me a lot was the ultra permissive parent. I guess it was easy to mistake the philosophy of our school for that. After all students were allowed to do what they wanted all day long.
Permissive parenting is a little different from actual freedom. This type of parenting does often involve letting kids do what they want, but there are always exceptions where parents think they know best (food, plastic toys, electronics, etc.) More importantly, there are no consequences. Permissive parents often shield their kids from consequences. For example in the school we had a number of kids who were kinda bratty, and the parents thought we would force others to include them. In my mind the natural consequence of being a brat is that other kids aren't going to play with you. Permissive parents are also the ones who think their kids shouldn't be subject to the rules. You can imagine these types didn't like me much.
When I say we leave the kids alone, I mean it. They get to pick who they play with. You can't be aggressive or hateful. If you violate a rule, you have to go through the judicial system, but no one is forced to play with, share with, or be touched by anyone else. No one tells any kid what to say, learn, do, play with, or eat.
But why do we do this? It's not about permissive parenting, so what is it about? Every organization has its mission and founding principles. Ours were freedom, trust, and responsibility.
Let's look at each one and see how they intersect with the importance of play.
Freedom
Children, like everyone else, need freedom to explore the world. They need to figure out where their limits are, what they're interested in, who they are, and what they value. This only happens with the freedom to play. Children play in different ways with different people as a way to figure these things out. They explore all these avenues, ideas, and strategies through play as a way to figure out how to be an adult. Children must have freedom to explore and fail and succeed.
Trust
This is tough for a lot of parents. Very few cultures trust children. The prevailing attitude is generally either that children are stupid or that children are reckless. They are still learning to be sure, just like the rest of us, but try really trusting them, and watch them flourish. We have to trust our children to learn when to put down the tablet or candy. Consider that, if you have trouble with this as an adult, it may be because you never learned to regulate yourself as a child. Will they get it right every time? Absolutely not. We have to trust them to figure it out. Share your values and your observations about what you see when they eat too much sugar or whatever, but trust they will get there. We have to trust how they spend their time. The girl who watched a lot of movies ended up in theatre. The boy who loved computer games became a programmer. Trust them, and trust the process.
Responsibility
The permissive parenting crew really didn't like this part. At our school, the children were responsible for a lot of things. Mostly they were responsible for their own development and education. If they wanted to learn something, they had to ask, and they had to show up on time to any scheduled appointment or class. We didn't remind them because when they are really motivated to learn something, 1) they will be there on time and 2) they will retain all that info. If a child wanted a special kind of equipment for something out of the ordinary supplies, they often had to fundraise to get it. For example a group of kids would get together to form an art group and then have a fundraiser to raise money for a pottery wheel. Children were responsible for running the school, including the judicial committee. Though there were also staff there, the kids outnumbered us. They passed new rules, determined consequences for rule violations and voted on the hiring and firing of staff. As it turns out, children take this responsibility seriously. When they don't understand, they ask for clarification or don't vote. While this is not really play exactly, it is certainly practicing adulthood. They are practicing being responsible for themselves at a time in their lives when the consequences aren't so awful. They are practicing living in community, civic duties, holding themselves and others accountable and considering the different sides of any situation.
Ultimately, play in most animal species is about practicing what it means to be an adult. Play is how children grow, explore, and learn. The freer the play, the more opportunity for growth. What I mean is that, when adults aren't structuring the play for them or interfering with children's play, children learn much more. So much of children's lives are so structured. So often people try to do things for their kids, solve problems for them, offer them remedies for their boredom. Then we wonder why they can't function as adults. They didn't raise themselves. They need the freedom to play. They need you to trust them, and they need to be responsible and accountable for their own lives. This is how they learn how to adult.