These days, I am taking the time, the time needed for me so that I can process all that life has given me so far, the pain, the joy, the anger, the pain and acceptance. Accepting that this is my life right now, that at this moment this is my existence. I can not spend time trying to understand why, why me, why has so much happened to me right now. Because if I do that, then I only end up going round in circles, around and around I go. Never ending this circle of pain and pity.
No I need to face up to my pain, I need to say Yes this is shit right now, everything that has been thrown at me is shit. I need to own that pain, acknowledge it, honour it. I also need to embrace it and Allow it to give me the energy I need in moving forward. Because with everything that has happened to me, I am now left with the opportunity to heal.
I have found that what I am going through at the moment, has brought up trauma from my youth, it has exposed pain that is old and heavy, things that I have been holding onto for far too long. But now, here it is in front of me, plain as day, there is no burying that again. Now is the time to take that pain and allow myself to feel it, allow myself to feel. Now is the time to really get to know myself, the good, the bad and the ugly. Because each and every bit of those experiences, those reactions, those emotions have sculpted me into who I am today. And today is what matters.
Allowing Myself to Heal
it seems today I swim
between the present and the past,
that all that I considered
distant memories are now recast,
today a web is spun
to help me weave,
my memories into tools
to give me strength to leave,
to leave behind
these thoughts that held me down,
that were buried deep
and left me feeling like I could drown,
into an endless lake of acid tears,
that burn and stain my life
beyond my years,
but inside of me
these new connections are being made,
allowing me to move forward,
to no longer feel afraid,
Today I stand
my feet upon the ground,
my understanding and reflection
more profound,
my past I leave to rest,
the present leads the way
I rise to meet
the dawning of each new day.
My pain and hurt
forever my driving force,
the realization
that I no longer
need not feel such remorse,
Of a childhood lost,
of a loveless home
Today I stand in my power
and create my own.
