Some people have summarized this, the changes in the educational concept of Chinese people:
At one time, we put "the filial son under the stick" as a famous saying; now, we have become the "dead loyalty powder" for appreciation education.
When the traditional combat education was gradually abandoned, Chinese parents seemed to fall into the trap of killing education.
Many parents have begun to believe that good children are boastful.
Therefore, all criticisms have been praised and replaced:
The child who kept on the subway and finally sat down in the comfort of her mother, said: "Baby is awesome!"
The child who passed the exam just now, Dad praised him for his hard work;
The child has done the housework as much as he can, and the mother must praise him for being too sensible and too capable...
It seems that everything the children do is worthy of pride, so that parents need to maintain a high density of praise for them.
However, is praise really better than criticism?
A parent turned to a psychologist. The child recently fell in love with flying chess. As soon as he was free, he asked his parents to accompany him to "kill" a few sets.
In the process of playing chess, parents will always try to let him, because the child will be very happy after being won.
If a parent accidentally wins him, he will be angry and say, "Don't come," and even cry and get rid of the board.
It turns out that praise and criticism have different effects on children, and the key is to use the two methods.
1
Blind praise
"Aiko" became a "soul"
Child psychologist Rudolf Drex once said: "A child needs to be encouraged to be as important as a plant needs water."
After reflecting on the shortcomings of combat education, parents gradually turned to encouragement and praise education.
In the process, they often go from one extreme to the other.
I don't know which place should be boasted, and I don't know how to boast. Many parents are caught in excessive encouragement education.
After the child finished a bowl of rice, the parents praised the child's sincerity; the child put down the game machine under the repeated persuasion of the parents, the parents praised the child is awesome; the child stopped because the toy was not crying, the parents praised the child really sensible.
"Even if the rich are proud of their wealth, don't praise him until he still knows how to use his wealth."
It is clearly a small thing that children should do, but their parents praise it. This excessive praise will make the child unable to have a clear understanding of his or her behavior.
When praising children, some parents like to use exaggerated vocabulary, which also makes children misunderstand.
For example, often praise the child "you are really smart", will make the child think that he is talented and win everyone's favorite.
After that, in order to win the love again, they will choose something that is simpler and easier to implement. Therefore, in the long run, children will easily form a “natural way of thinking”.
Those who have this kind of thinking do not believe that they will spare no effort to fight, but will use the tricks to complete things that are not technical.
Because of the blind praise, the child will always live in the "fairy world" created by the parents, losing the ability to look at themselves correctly.
They think that they are really as good as others say, and they will become very confident. This seems like a good thing:
Children become bold and more and more like to show themselves and never show up;
Become more leadership when playing with children.
But when others raise doubts and they are opposed, they will show up.
It is difficult for them to admit their mistakes, and they will not correct them. In the face of the children's doubts, there will even be extreme actions of "separating others."
Excessive praise education will also make children vulnerable and have lower anti-frustration ability.
If you have not experienced a blow, you will never learn how to face it.
Because I have always been praised that I am doing the right thing, the child may not be able to endure the possible failure results after the change.
In the illusion of success, a dull, inaction life, not making a big mistake may be their best ending.
No parents will want to “destroy children”, but they will kill them and let them walk on the road to destroy their children.
2
Killing education
Blocked children’s expression of fragile exports
How high was the first time, how bad it would be to fall in the future.
Children who are praised by their parents in the cloud, in the face of adversity, will inevitably feel frustrated and powerless, a huge gap, the child's mental health is extremely vulnerable.
Parental over-praising is one of the incentives for the “impersonator syndrome” in psychology.
The imposter syndrome was discovered by clinical psychologists Pauline R. Clance and Suzanne A. Imes in 1978 and refers to:
According to objective criteria, someone has achieved success, but he himself believes that this is impossible. Instead, he feels that he is deceiving others and is afraid of others discovering this deceptive behavior.
If your child is over-instilled with "you are the best" and "you are the smartest" and is placed with high expectations, you may be afraid of failure.
When he grows up, encounters difficult problems, criticisms of others, or people who are better than himself, he will find that the evaluation criteria that were originally established have collapsed.
Therefore, he may go to another extreme - self-denial.
"The better I do, the more people praise me, the clearer my inner feelings are. I am afraid that one day, others will find that I don't deserve to have such achievements.
Even after playing Harry Potter, I am not confident that I will become an actor. I feel that I am just lucky. I need someone to affirm me. ”
This is a passage from Emma Watson in an interview with the magazine.
Emma became a well-known actress in the UK because of Hermione's corner. But deep down, she still often feels that she is not worthy of everything. It is just luck, and when she is praised, she will feel that she is a liar.
At the age of 13, starring "This is not too cold," Natalie Portman, a 22-year-old Bachelor of Psychology from Harvard University, said in a speech: "In fact, I have no confidence in my value."
Even Einstein, who was in his later years, once said that he was an "unconscious liar."
These celebrities have achieved success in the secular sense and are still so troubled. For ordinary people who grow up under the over-recognition of their parents, it is easier to get caught up in the quagmire of "impersonator syndrome."
These people tend to have the following phenomena: At the end of the period, they have achieved good results, but they feel that they are just "teachers releasing water".
Was admitted to a good university, only when you are lucky;
After entering the unit after work, Ming Ming also achieved some good results, but he was often criticized by the self-imagining leadership and was shocked by a cold sweat.
Over time, they are not only easy to fall into anxiety, fear, but also easy to escape from frustration, cringe, and miss opportunities.
In addition to the "impersonator syndrome", the habitually pleasing personality brought about by excessive praise is also worthy of vigilance.
To please others, often accompanied by self-doubt and negation. They don't know how to refuse, but try to cater to others' demands and look forward to what they expect.
The purpose of praising education is to let children grow up optimistically and develop good behavior patterns and thinking characters. Those parents who casually admire children all the time may let the children learn to observe and appreciate early in order to gain more praise. The song is welcoming.
When they step into the society, they will also find a sense of familiarity, show a part of their likment, and conceal their true thoughts in order to gain recognition. If someone expresses doubt and denial to them, they will fall into pain.
Because it is difficult to accept their own imperfections, they will habitually try to please others while skeptical of themselves and self-repression.
Excessive praise during the growth process is like a piece of tape that seals the child's exports that express fragility and reveal shortcomings.
3
How to praise children correctly?
The praise of Chinese parents is more like a cheap gift than a fuzzy one, rather than a positive affirmation.
Too much abundance of affirmation, and finally caused the child's psychological "immunity", to let them really get the benefits of encouraging education, parents need to properly praise the child.
1, boasting specific facts
Jim Taylor, a psychologist at the University of San Francisco, believes that “being beautiful” is the laziest compliment, the least valuable praise, and the most harmful compliment.
“It’s great!” “Good boy!” is the compliment of all parents, whether it’s learning, competition, or housekeeping, or even just doing a little thing, parents will use this sentence to practice compliments. education.
This general praise gradually became perfunctory, and the feelings contained were less and less.
When you get praise in a simple task, the child will doubt the authenticity of the parents' praise, or feel that the parents are stupid, which will make the child feel at a loss.
Fuzzy labels like "great" are emotional, but praise is based on the results of rational judgment.
In praise of children, it is advisable to use more descriptive language to affirm the child with specific facts instead of being a lazy parent.
For example, when the child cleans the room, use "Wow, you clean your room really clean" instead of "awesome."
2, the process of exaggerating efforts
Roel Dewijk, a professor of behavioral psychology at Stanford University in the United States, has done an experiment on "praising" and "encouraging."
He randomly divided the children involved in the jigsaw puzzle into two groups. One group heard the praise of IQ, that is, praised "you are very smart"; another group of children got a compliment about hard work, that is, encouragement: " You must have worked hard just now."
Dewijk said that the performance of these two types of children in the test is very different, the children who are praised for their efforts will try to solve the problem in various ways and enjoy the whole process; and those who are praised and smart think that the failure is because They are not smart enough, they will be nervous during the test, and they will be frustrated if they fail.
Praising the child's efforts is a process that affirms his challenge of the problem, allowing him to have a growth-oriented thinking and cultivate his independent and self-reliant quality.
To praise the child's intelligence, it is implied that his success is determined by talent, and the result is not under his control, instilling a kind of "obedient" mentality.
The phrase "you are working hard" is much more sincere than "you are smart." The former is a respect for the whole process, and it gives the child the courage and opportunity to try, rather than timidly retreat in the face of new things.
3, different objects different praise
Parents praise politeness for preschool children, children will have better social skills when they grow up, and have better independence, because for children, they have not yet been able to distinguish the specific meaning behind the praise;
For older children, this kind of simple compliment seems to do more harm than good.
Objective praise can make children with low self-esteem levels no longer fear failure and dare to challenge;
Reasonable praise will encourage children with high self-esteem to choose a more difficult task to show their strength.
This requires parents to understand their children before they can be praised.
Parents who don’t know the child’s casual praise will drown their children in this garbage heap of useless words, and at the same time they will lose their toughness, and they will gradually lose their armor that can protect them further.
The true appreciation of education has never been simply praised, but the parents and children are more closely attached through communication.