So, What is Empathy?

So, What is Empathy?

There isn’t a day that goes by where someone doesn’t mention the importance of empathy as the key to succeed in business and in one’s personal life. After reading many definitions and listening to many as they express empathy, I am convinced few really know how to empathize.

In this essay, I am going to share my thoughts on empathy. Most people who believe they know how to empathize are actually deluded. Many are guilty of story stealing, one-upmanship, projections/conjectures, and actually saying, “I understand” which many times make the situation worse.

Here’s an example of story stealing: A colleague comes to work very frustrated and says, “This morning my car battery died. My neighbor was kind enough to give me a jump start, but within 5 miles, I experienced a flat. I was able to drive to the tire shop just off the highway. At the shop the mechanic told me I needed to replace all 4 tires since it was an all-wheel-drive vehicle. Where will I get the money? This just adds to my financial woes.”

Without missing a beat, everyone starts sharing their sad stories related to cars. The colleague may even hear about the transmission that blew up in a car that belonged to an uncle in Texas. Even though it was clear that finances were an issue, few will pick up on it and empathize. They fail to acknowledge how the unexpected expenditure will impact their colleague’s finances.

So, is there a time to share your story? Yes, but it must be done with a level of finesse. I am convinced after studying interaction patterns and listening to people the last thing someone wants to do is to listen to another person’s sad story or experience. I believe we can all relate to the disconnect when a parent tried to comfort us by saying, “When I was your age....” The parent means well, but the child has no desire to listen to the parent’s story. Similarly, few people are interested in hearing your story. Now, if the person is interested you can present the opportunity by saying, “This may not be the right time, but I do have some experience in that area. When you have some time I could share my experience.” If the person is interested, most likely s/he will say, “I am interested. Is now a good time?” Only after you are invited, you share your story.

Next, I will share an example of one-upmanship. This is common practice as people attempt to empathize. In reality, it is more like let’s play a game of one-upmanship. Referring to the example above, even if the financial hardship is acknowledged, they will share a story where they had to spend more money. So, instead of replacing 4 tires, they had to replace the 4 tires plus a few rims and a battery. There is the belief misery loves company. This may be true, but it is not empathy.

Instead of story stealing and one-upmanship an empathic response can be, “Dang, sorry to hear about these things. Sudden expenses are never good. This will probably mess up your plans to take that vacation and buy the new washing machine you had mentioned. Hey, we live in the same neighborhood. I could give you a ride if you need one.”

An example of one projecting would be a colleague telling you he did not get the promotion he applied for. Without fully appreciating the situation, common projection responses can be, “That is terrible, I bet you are bummed.” The conjectures can be, “I am sure the position was already filled even before you applied.” “Since the company applied to be a government contractor, I am sure some affirmative person was hired.” If the candidate is black, another person who believes in institutional racism could say, “Sound about white. White people like supporting their own kind.”

In reality, the colleague only applied to demonstrate he was interested in upward mobility. Truth be told, he didn’t really want the job. It required 25% travel. This conflicted with his commitment to coaching his kids baseball team, training a few dogs each year to be services animals, and he didn’t really want the extra responsibilities that went with the job. These are things he shared in the interview as to why he may have some concerns about the job. So while the hiring team felt he was fully qualified for the job, the other issues would probably negatively affect performance and satisfaction, thus they chose another candidate.

Finally, one of the biggest mistakes people make when trying to empathize is by saying, “I understand.” In our attempt to connect, we make the false assumption we have similar lives. For example, a colleague tells you his father died two weeks ago and immediately someone will inevitably respond, “I understand. I know how you feel. My dad died last year and it was tough on the family. We are still grieving over the loss.” This can be a form of story stealing as well.
Since you don’t know the situation you really don’t know what the colleague is going through. In this case, the father may have been an abusive absentee father and there is really no love lost. Or the father may have been suffering from pulmonary fibrosis and was gasping for air in his last months of life. Death was probably welcomed.
If needed, an empathic response can be, “Sorry to hear of the loss. Each family deals with loss differently. I wish you well in this major life transition. If there is any pressing assignment that I can do, I will gladly take it. Let’s do coffee next week.”
Depending on tone, an empathetic response may not be needed. In many cases, empathy is not needed. A lot depends on the individuals involved. The above example was one where empathy was not needed, but many assume it is. A neutral response can be, “I wish you well in this new phase of life.”
In many close relationships such as marriage and blood relatives we assume there is some warmth in the relation and go the empathy route. The reality is in many close relationships there is a high level of toxicity and pain. As a result, death may be a welcome exit from the relationship. When empathy is offered the recipient is caught in-between inwardly feeling relieved, yet guilty for feeling relieved, and outwardly showing a façade of loss.
I learned a lot of this from a colleague. She was divorced and she told me nothing ticked her off more than fellow divorcees telling her they understood how hard it was to deal with a divorce. In reality, in her case, divorce was freedom. It was her emancipation. For over a decade she experience physical and emotional abuse and after contemplating suicide she decided to divorce her abusive husband. For her, being single was a freedom she cherished. However, publicly she felt forced to show some sadness even though she was experiencing a freedom she had long forgotten. The reality was she could not tell people she was thrilled to be free. She didn’t want to be seen as weird. Besides feeling weird, other emotions such as anger, guilt, hate, disgust, etc., may be present in death and divorces. Yes, it can be complicated.
She told me everyone has a unique story and a unique life where circumstance may be very different. Regardless of many superficial similarities, never assume the stories are the same and you understand. As a result, today I seldom use the phrase, “I understand.” Upon reflection I have come to the realization, you can never walk in another person’s shoes.
Instead, I try to appreciate the uniqueness of everyone’s experience. Think about it for a second, how many times has someone said to you, “I understand” and your visceral gut reaction was, “no you don’t.” So, clearly, the phrase, “I understand,” has its limitations. As a result, I have decided to only use I understand twice a year. Some years have passed and I have never used it.
In closing, Empathy happens when the other person feels s/he has a voice. This voice is not noise. It is listened to and heard. Nothing is more powerful than knowing someone cares for what you have to say. The moment one believes s/he is not heard, s/he dies inside. Empathic listening is the equivalent to psychological oxygen. Without oxygen we die; when we listen empathically to others, we give them life. The “psychological oxygen” term comes from psychoanalyst Heinz Kohut. This concept grew out of his practice in the 1950s.

Dr. Raj Beekie is an associate professor in the DBA department at Saint Mary’s University, MN. To learn more about our DBA program here is the address https://www.smumn.edu/academics/graduate/business-technology/programs/doctor-of-business-administration-dba
Whether one agrees or disagrees with the thoughts and ideas expressed, he hopes they provide a broader foundation for discussion. Dr. Beekie received his bachelor's degree in Business Administration and Organizational Communication from Concordia College, Moorhead, MN, master's degree in Intercultural Communication from North Dakota State University, Fargo, ND, and doctorate in Organization Development from the University of St. Thomas, Minneapolis, MN.
Dr. Beekie also consults in the areas of career coaching, leadership development, diversity, emotional intelligence, and effective communication. To offer your feedback or contact me, I can be reached at rbeekie@smumn.edu