The latest and greatest game show to keep the wage slaves neutralized!
Scene: A raucous crowd cheers. Spotlights, strobe lights, and neon sparkles dazzle. A smoke machine mystifies. Stepping onto the stage, a clownish version of a ken doll, Captain Smiley, struts around to greet the adoring onlookers. This is the live, global broadcast of……
The Super Bright Loud Happy Fun Distraction Show!
Captain Smiley (grinning ear to ear into camera): Greetings, all you millions of laughing lunatics out there! Welcome to everyone’s favorite prize-pumping spectacle, The Super Bright Loud Happy Fun Distraction Show! I’m your host, Captain Smiley!
Crowd chants “Smiley, Smiley, Smiley!”
Captain Smiley: Let’s go ahead and meet our contestants, a couple from Bel Air, California, Winthrop and Abigail Kutzandslicer! (turns to face the couple) Tell us a little about yourselves.
Winthrop: Well, I was born into an upper crust family on the Eastern seaboard and ,although I…
Captain Smiley cuts him off…
Captain Smiley: Whoa! I don’t want your whole life story, and neither does our audience. Abigail, you give it a shot.
Abigail: Well, I’m a doctor and my husband is also in the medical field.
Captain Smiley: He’s also a doctor?
Abigail: Well, he’s not a real doctor. You see, he’s a psychologist.
Crowd guffaws, ooooohs, and ahhhhhhs.
Winthrop (offended, tosses well-coiffed hair back); Oh, there you go again! (turns to Smiley) You see what I have to put up with!
Captain Smiley: Well, you’re both very charming. (rolls eyes, crowd chuckles) Ok, enough with the introductions. Let’s play! In case you need a reminder, here are the rules! You’ll have to pass 3 tests, which could be in the form of trivia, a question, or in the form of a dangerous and dubious task. If you pass all 3, you win a million violence-backed tax slave survival tokens! If you don’t, well, you get a lot less! Are you ready?!
Winthrop (puffy, chin high): We both went to Harvard, so what do you think, Smiley?
Captain Smiley: I think that proves that you regurgitate well! Ok, let’s play!
The crowd roars with delight and strobe lights flash.
Captain Smiley: Ok, the first question is trivia. The question is:
What was the name of the medical drama starring George Clooney that aired on NBC from 1994-2009? Was it
A. Doogie Howser, MD
B. ER
OR
C. Doctor Quinn, Medicine Woman
Winthrop (cringing, speaking to wife): Well, you were the one that passed all your lonely nights in college watching reruns. You should know this!
Abigail: Oh, look who’s talking!
Captain Smiley: Clock is ticking.
Winthrop (speaking into Abigail's ear): Did Clooney play Doogie Howser? I’m terrible at such trivialities.
Abigail (sighing deeply): No, my dear, that was not Clooney. (turns to Captain Smiley) The answer is ER!
Captain Smiley: Yes, that’s correct! You really bailed out your hubby on that one!
Crowd laughs at Winthrop’s expense. Fireworks ensue.
Captain Smiley: Ok, you passed the first test. It gets more difficult from here on out. I need a volunteer for this dangerous and dubious task.
Winthrop (reluctant): Oh, I suppose I’ll do it. After all, I was on the varsity badminton team.
Captain Smiley (sarcastic): You must be made of solid steel, then. I’ll need my lovely humanoid assistant, Miss Robota to help with this task. (motions to Miss Robota)
Captain Smiley: Miss Robota, please bring out the syringes, gauze, etc.
Miss Robota wheels out a cart with medical supplies.
Captain Smiley: Ok, here’s the deal. Winthrop, you’ve got to take 10 vaccines in 2 minutes!
Winthrop (fluttery voice): Oh, I’d rather not. Is there a different challenge I can face?
Captain Smiley: Oh, come on, doc! Lots of vaccines are given to babies right off the bat, so a strong, adult, badminton jock like you should be able to handle this no problem, right? Vaccines are safe, right?
Winthrop (stammering): Well, um, I...I...suppose. Could I just, um, look at the ingredients first?
Captain Smiley: What do you tell your patients if they ask about the ingredients?
Winthrop: Well….
Captain Smiley: It’s ok, you don’t have to do it. You can walk away at any time. You’ll go home with some lame gift, full of shame, and probably be chastised by your friends, if you have any. Or you can carry on and go for the million violence-backed tax slave survival tokens! What’ll it be, doc?
Winthrop: I’m going for the million!
Crowd starts chanting “Win-throp, Win-throp!” Winthrop steps up to the medical cart and sits next to Miss Robota. Miss Robota rolls up Winthrop’s sleeve and starts plunging shots into his arm, one after the other.
By the fourth shot, Winthrop is screaming and begging for mercy. The crowd eggs him on chanting “Go, go, go!” Miss Robota switches arms and continues shooting him up.
After the tenth shot is crammed into Winthrop's bloodstream, the crowd goes into a riotous frenzy. Winthrop walks away with a slight wobble and stands next to Abigail.
Captain Smiley: Wow! I would never do anything so foolish! Congratulations, Winthrop!
Winthrop gingerly raises a lip and tries to smile. He turns pale and suddenly collapses. Abigail screams.
Captain Smiley: Miss Robota, please get Winthrop out of here! (turns to Abigail) If he dies, at least it was for the wrong reasons!
Captain Smiley (turns to speak into camera): And now, just a moment to let you know that this show is sponsored by Jerck Pharmaceuticals.
Jerck Pharmaceuticals – Your Pain Is Our Gain!
Captain Smiley (speaking to audience): And for those of you in our live audience, a special treat for you from Jerck! All of you will receive 10,000 milligrams of free Oxycodone!
Crowd goes wild!
Captain Smiley: Ok, Abigail, I hope you’re not too grief stricken to continue.
Abigail: I was for a moment, but then I remembered the huge life insurance policy Winthrop has.
Captain Smiley: Spoken like a true Satanist! Ok, it’s time for round 3! Abigail, it’s a multiple choice question. Which of the following is true, due to self-ownership:
A. Individuals have the right to choose what to put in their bodies and what not to put in their bodies, which means that forced vaccinations are wrong and the drug war is wrong.
B. Experts have the right to control what individuals put in their bodies
OR
C. Solipsism is the only truth
Abigail (biting fingernails): OH, my, what a question, indeed. I am a devoted solipsist, so I want to say C, but I’m also an expert and I know that it’s better for me to boss people around and force them to submit to my will. Are you sure this isn’t a trick question?
Captain Smiley (malevolent smile, grinning widely): Would a guy named Captain Smiley try to trick you?
Abigail: Oh, very well, I’ll say B. Experts have the right to control what individuals put in their bodies.
Captain Smiley: Awwww, I’m so sorry, Abigail. That is incorrect! The correct answer is A, individuals have the right to choose what to put in their bodies, and what not to put in their bodies because of self-ownership. It also means that the drug war and forced vaccinations are wrong. Don’t worry, though, Abigail. You won’t go home empty handed! You get a personal guided tour of the Council on Foreign Relations headquarters with CFR member George Clooney!
Crowd cheers, fireworks explode.
Captain Smiley (turns to face camera): That’s it for tonight’s show! Stay tuned for more distractions! Until next time, world!
Thanks for your time and attention!
Just say "NO" to slavery!
Top image is from wikimedia commons